Page 24

Fang-tastic Failure

R onald made his grand entrance. He had insisted on a dramatic approach---his vampire coven moving in formation behind him as he strutted down Main Street toward the town square, arms spread wide like a supernatural game show host.

"Citizens of Cauldron Falls! Ronald has entered the building!" he announced to the seemingly deserted streets. "Your new proprietor has arrived! Resistance is futile, but also unnecessary! Under my management, things will be great. Really, really great!"

Ronald had dressed for what he considered appropriate vampire resort-owner style---leather pants too tight for his pudgy frame, a silk shirt open to reveal his pale chest adorned with gold chains, and his prized leather jacket with "Bite Me" bedazzled across the back in rhinestones.

His blonde comb-over had been freshly styled and heavily lacquered to withstand the night air, and his skin glowed with an unnatural orange luminescence that made him look like a traffic cone that had achieved consciousness.

From Tab's Café, Marty Tuey and his former skeptical followers watched in stunned silence as the procession of actual vampires passed by their window. Marty's protest sign reading "Vampire Panic = Economic Damage" slipped from his nerveless fingers.

"Is that... is that a vampire with a fake tan?" one of his supporters whispered in horrified fascination.

"And a bedazzled jacket," another added faintly.

Marty's worldview crumbled before his eyes. "Vampires are really real," he murmured. "And they have terrible fashion sense."

Behind Ronald, his coven moved with less enthusiasm than their leader.

Most were newly turned---former tourists from Ronald's last failed venture in Denver---and their control over their vampire abilities was tenuous at best. They looked nervously at the seemingly empty town, sensing something wasn't right about this easy entrance.

At the rear of the procession, several vampires guarded a small group of human captives---hikers with terrified expressions who stumbled forward with their hands bound.

From hidden positions throughout town, Cauldron Falls' defenders watched the vampire procession.

Roam, positioned on a rooftop with several Shifter officers, signaled to teams stationed at strategic points.

Honey and Leahnora monitored from the town hall, ready to activate the magical barriers when needed.

In the town square, Tandy waited nervously.

As part of the trap, she had been seemingly "freed" from custody, positioned to lead Ronald into the prepared ambush.

Her role as bait wasn't voluntary, but with magical restraints hidden beneath her sleeve that prevented her from warning Ronald, she had little choice.

When Ronald swept into the square, his coven arrayed behind him and his captives guarded at the rear, Tandy hurried forward with an ingratiating smile.

"Ronald! Thank goodness you've come! I've prepared everything just as you---"

"Tandy Keyes," Ronald interrupted coldly. "My loyal real estate agent. Or not so loyal, considering your capture."

"That wasn't my fault!" Tandy protested. "That vampire hunter---Vlad Marcum---he tricked me!"

At the mention of Vlad's name, Ronald's orange complexion paled slightly. "Marcum is still here? In Cauldron Falls?"

"Yes, but I've evaded him," Tandy assured him quickly. "The square is prepared for your ritual. I've made sure of it."

The blood moon reached its zenith, bathing the town square in crimson light. Ronald stepped into the center of his vampire circle, raising his arms dramatically.

"I, Ronald Bitterhump, claim this territory and its magical waters in the name of the Eternal Night Vacation Consortium!"

Leahnora gave the signal, and Honey and Maisie activated the enhanced falls water, creating a shimmering blue barrier that encircled the vampire coven. The water's magical properties, freely given by Cauldron Falls' protectors rather than stolen, glowed with power against the undead intruders.

But as the barrier formed, one of Ronald's vampires stepped forward, removing a small vial from his coat. With practiced precision, he hurled it at the water barrier. The vial shattered, releasing a cloud of shimmering orange powder.

"Excellent work!" Ronald crowed, his confidence returning. "See? This is why I'm the best vampire entrepreneur! I hire people who prepare for contingencies!"

Where the powder touched the barrier, the water hissed and dissipated, creating a widening hole in the town's primary defense. Several vampires immediately leapt through the gap, seizing two of the Shifter guards and dragging them back into the circle.

Panic rippled through the defenders as their supposedly impenetrable barrier failed. From his position on the rooftop, Roam signaled desperately to Miles Montgomery, who scrambled to activate the backup light crystals.

"The barrier's failing!" Gloria cried out, clutching her anti-vampire powder sachets uselessly. "They're getting through!"

Maisie, seeing their primary defense collapsing, closed her eyes and reached deeper into her connection with the falls. Unlike her previous controlled channeling, she now opened herself completely to the water's magic, becoming a conduit for its raw power.

"Maisie, wait!" Honey called, recognizing what her sister was attempting. "That's too much---you could hurt yourself!"

But Maisie was already immersed in the water's consciousness, her body beginning to shimmer with blue light as the falls responded to her desperation.

Water suddenly erupted from every fountain, hydrant, and well in the square---not in the controlled streams they had planned, but in powerful jets that shot toward the vampires from all directions.

Ronald, mid-gloat about his imminent victory, was struck directly in the face by a particularly forceful water spout. His spray tan began to dissolve in orange rivulets down his face and neck.

"My tan!" Ronald shrieked, "Do you have any idea how long the application process takes?"

The vampires who had breached the barrier found themselves being pushed back by walls of water that seemed to target them individually.

One particularly unfortunate vampire was lifted completely off his feet by an upward-shooting fountain and deposited, sputtering and humiliated, back in the center of the circle.

Ronald was further compromised when his hair situation finally detached completely from his mostly bald head. The heavily lacquered hair piece flopped onto his shoulder like a dead animal, revealing a pale, shiny scalp, and two wisps of white hair.

A collective gasp rose from the assembled vampires and townsfolk. Even Vlad seemed momentarily stunned by the sight.

"That's..." he began, struggling to find words.

"Horrifying," Bartie supplied, having flown down to perch on Maisie's shoulder as she joined Honey at the edge of the square.

Ronald, realizing his carefully constructed image was literally falling apart, made a desperate grab for his hair piece, attempting to reattach it while simultaneously trying to maintain his threatening vampire demeanor.

"This changes nothing!" he declared, his voice rising to an undignified squeak. "I am still Ronald Bitterhump, future ruler of the most exclusive vampire resort in North America!"

But his credibility, like his comb-over, had irreparably slipped. The newly turned vampires looked uncertain, their faith in their leader visibly shaking as water continued to pummel them from all directions.

Meanwhile, the captured Shifters took advantage of the confusion to break free, transforming into their animal forms---a mountain lion and a wolf---and bounding to safety through the chaos of spraying water and disoriented vampires.

Vlad, who had been positioned to deploy his specialized vampire-hunting equipment if needed, lowered his crossbow and simply watched the spectacle with amused appreciation.

"Sometimes," he remarked to Roam as they observed from the rooftop, "the best vampire defense is just good old-fashioned humiliation."

Below them, Ronald was having a complete meltdown, alternately trying to reattach his sodden hairpiece and wipe the streaming orange from his face and neck.

"This is impossible!" he wailed, holding his dripping toupee like a dead animal. "This was supposed to be my triumphant moment!"

As the water's assault continued, the vampires found themselves being herded back together in the center of the square, effectively contained once more.

Maisie, still glowing with blue light, guided the water to reform the barrier around them, this time creating a dome that completely enclosed the vampires from above as well.

"This is bad for my hair and my brand!" Ronald moaned, looking utterly defeated as his coven huddled miserably in the center of the water dome, all of them soaked and several sporting orange spray tan stains transferred from their leader during the chaos.

With the immediate threat contained, Miles finally activated his light crystals, which exploded in blinding flashes around the square. The trapped vampires howled in pain, covering their eyes.

Vlad descended from the rooftop, landing gracefully in front of the contained vampires. "Ronald Bitterhump, for crimes against magical communities and crimes against fashion, you are hereby under arrest."

Ronald's desperation grew as he watched his followers' fear and his plans disintegrating. "This isn't over, Marcum!"

"It is for your resort schemes," Vlad replied cheerfully. "Though I do hope we meet again. You're my favorite vampire to thwart."

As the Shifters began escorting the vampire coven and their leader out of town, Tandy made one last desperate attempt to salvage something from the disaster.

"Ronald! What about our agreement? The exclusive selling rights?"

Ronald turned back, his expression a mixture of disdain and embarrassment. "Selling rights to what, exactly? There is no resort, Tandy. There never will be. And your commissions exist only in your imagination---just like my hair."

With that devastating parting shot, Ronald was led away. His vampire resort dreams permanently shattered, leaving Tandy standing alone in the square, surrounded by the community she had betrayed.

Marty Tuey and his former skeptics had emerged from Tab's Café, their worlds completely rearranged by what they had witnessed. Marty approached Tandy with an expression of profound disappointment.

"You were going to sell our town to... that?" He gestured toward the departing Ronald, who was still trying unsuccessfully to reattach his toupee. "A spray tanned vampire with a bad toupee and a bedazzler?"

As the blood moon waned, its crimson light fading from Cauldron Falls, the town's residents gathered in the square. After erasing the memories and transporting the humans back to civilization, all the dangers had passed. The vampires were defeated without a single casualty.

For now, Cauldron Falls was safe from vampire resorts, bad toupees, and orange spray tans.