Page 23

Cuffed and Stuffed

W ord had spread throughout Cauldron Falls that the vampire hunter had arrived and captured the villan. A crowd gathered in the town square, eager to catch a glimpse of both the legendary Vlad Marcum and the disgraced Tandy Keyes.

Marty Tuey's protest had grown slightly larger, now featuring enchanted signs that flashed slogans like "Vampire Panic = Economic Damage" and "Fact-Check Your Fears!

" Directly opposite, a counter-demonstration led by Gwen Lewis and several other older witches brandished garlic bundles and chanted protective spells, their voices rising and falling in ancient rhythms that seemed to resonate with the very stones beneath their feet.

In the center of it all stood Tandy Keyes, handcuffed and surrounded by Shifter guards.

"This is completely unnecessary," she complained, jangling her handcuffs.

"These clash terribly with my outfit! Couldn't we use something more fashionable?

Maybe rose gold? Or at least something that doesn't completely ruin my professional image? "

Roam O'Reilly stood nearby. His expression grim, as he reviewed Vlad's report. "Your professional image was ruined when you tried to stab a vampire hunter and confessed to murdering our town's dark creatures expert, Ms. Keyes."

"Allegedly tried to stab," Tandy corrected. "And it wasn't even a real vampire weapon! Just a TV prop! That should count for something, right? Like attempted murder with reduced dramatic effect?"

The crowd of onlookers grew as word spread that Tandy Keyes had been arrested as Ronald's accomplice. The look of betrayal on their faces was unmistakable---this wasn't some outside threat but one of their own who had plotted against them.

"I can explain everything," Tandy announced to the gathering townsfolk. "It was all a big misunderstanding! I was engaging in speculative real estate development with an unusual demographic! It's called niche marketing!"

No one looked convinced.

Leahnora Loveridge approached Tandy with an expression of profound disappointment.

"Tandy Keyes," she said, her voice carrying throughout the hall. "Vlad Marcum has provided evidence of your collaboration with Ronald Bitterhump. We have recovered Evangelina's records from your office, along with Ronald's communications and the anti-magic formula used on the cross."

Tandy straightened her shoulders, attempting to salvage some dignity.

"Mayor Loveridge, may I just point out that vampire real estate is an emerging market with tremendous growth potential.

I was simply positioning Cauldron Falls for inevitable industry expansion. It's called being ahead of the curve!"

Honey and Roam exchanged incredulous glances.

"You murdered Evangelina Coal," Roam stated flatly.

"I facilitated an unfortunate property rezoning via structural accident," Tandy corrected primly. "That's the proper real estate terminology."

Leahnora's expression hardened. "We will be conducting a full investigation, but the evidence is overwhelming. You will be transported to the Salem Correctional Facility for Magical Offenses pending trial."

"Salem?" Tandy gasped. "But their real estate market is terrible!

All those witch trial tourists drive up prices while creating unsustainable seasonal demand fluctuations!

" She paused, considering. "Although, I suppose the prison itself represents an untapped selling opportunity. Captive audience, quite literally."

"This isn't about real estate, Ms. Keyes," Leahnora said firmly. "This is about betrayal and murder."

"Can't it be about both?" Tandy asked hopefully. "I'm excellent at multi-tasking. I’ll make new business cards: 'Tandy Keyes: Multi-Tasking Property Specialist.' I could sell prison cells between court appearances!"

Throughout this exchange, Vlad stood by the window, keeping watch. The blood moon was rising, and despite Tandy's capture, Ronald was still coming.

"Mayor Loveridge," he interrupted. "While I hate to cut short Ms. Keyes' career planning session, we need to prepare for Ronald's arrival."

"Yes, about that," Tandy perked up. "I have extensive notes on Ronald's aesthetic preferences for the resort.

He's very particular about color schemes---everything must coordinate with his spray tan.

Burnt orange is his signature color, though I've suggested a more subdued palette for the formal dining areas---"

"Ms. Keyes, nice try but drop it," Leahnora cut her off. "The resort will never happen."

"What happens now?" she asked, looking suddenly lost, her ambitions of a vampire real estate empire evaporated before her eyes.

"Now you tell us everything you know about Ronald's plans," Roam said firmly. "Every detail that might help us protect the town."

Tandy hesitated, then straightened her shoulders. If she couldn't be Vampire Real Estate Queen, perhaps she could salvage something by cooperating.

"Ronald has maps of all the underground water channels," she began. "He's planning to enter from the north side of the falls. He has fifteen vampires with him."

As Tandy shared what she knew, the town officials gathered around, taking notes and adjusting their defense strategies. Even in handcuffs, she couldn't help slipping into her professional presentation mode.

"The ritual must be performed at the apex," she explained, gesturing as much as her restraints allowed. "Ronald is very specific about timing. He gets quite annoying about it, honestly."

"And the anti-magic powder?" Vlad prompted.

"He has enough to create a pathway through standard magical barriers," Tandy confirmed.

"But not enough for the entire town. It's quite expensive---cuts into the profit margins terribly.

I suggested a more cost-effective alternative, but he's oddly attached to his orange-tinted versions of everything. "

As she continued providing details, Leahnora signaled to several officials at the back of the hall. They nodded and slipped out, presumably to strengthen the town's defenses based on the new information.

"As I told Vlad, the one thing Ronald doesn't know," Tandy added, lowering her voice conspiratorially, "is that the falls water only works if it's freely given. I found that in the journal I stole. If taken by force, it could actually harm vampires rather than help them."

"And why didn't you tell him this?" Honey asked, surprised.

"Well, I was saving it for contract negotiations," Tandy admitted. "Thought it might help me negotiate a higher commission percentage. I was thinking 7.5% is fair for eternity, don't you think? Not too greedy?"

Roam shook his head in disbelief. "You were willing to let Ronald take over the town, but you held back information that could help him because you wanted a better commission rate?"

"It's called business leverage," Tandy sniffed. "Standard practice in high-stakes negotiations."

A commotion at the door interrupted them. One of the Shifter guards entered, looking alarmed.

"Scout report from the northern perimeter," he announced. "Multiple bat sightings. They're coming earlier than expected."

"Ronald never could read a lunar chart properly," Tandy muttered. "His timing was always off by at least twenty minutes at our planning meetings. Very unprofessional."

Leahnora turned to Roam. "Get her to the secured holding cell. We'll deal with her fully after we've handled Ronald."

As two Shifter guards moved to lead Tandy away, she suddenly called out, "Wait! I can help! I know Ronald's weaknesses!"

Vlad raised an eyebrow. "Such as?"

"He's pathologically vain about his hair piece," Tandy explained rapidly.

"Completely loses focus if it's threatened.

And his spray tan? He keeps touch-up bottles in his pockets at all times.

If they're damaged, he has absolute meltdowns.

I once saw him abandon an entire meeting because someone spilled water on his sleeve and his tan started to streak. "

The assembled town officials exchanged glances. This was certainly unusual tactical information, but it might prove useful.

"Also," Tandy continued, warming to her subject, "he has this ridiculous catchphrase he insists on using whenever he makes a big entrance: 'Ronald has entered the building!' He practices it for hours. If you interrupt it or don't react properly, he gets completely thrown off script."

"Anything else?" Roam asked, signaling the guards to wait.

"Yes!" Tandy nodded enthusiastically. "He's terrified of fashion critics!

Absolutely petrified! There's a vampire fashion critic named Count Federico who once called Ronald's style 'aggressively tasteless' in 1989, and Ronald still has nightmares about it.

Just mentioning Federico's name could distract him. "

Vlad looked thoughtful. "This might actually be useful. Count Federico is currently the Chief Justice of the Transylvanian Tribunal."

"He is?" Tandy gasped. "Oh, Ronald will hate that! Federico once said Ronald's choice of gold accessories made him look like 'a pawnshop that gained sentience.' Ronald cried for days!"

Despite the gravity of the situation, several people had to suppress smiles at this image.

"Take her to the holding cell until we need her," Leahnora instructed the guards. "And send for the Salem transport. They should arrive by dawn."

As Tandy was led away, she called back over her shoulder, "If anyone wants to list their property before the vampire attack potentially decreases market values, I'm still technically licensed until my hearing! Special end-of-the-world rates available!"

The guards exchanged exasperated glances as they escorted her out.

Once Tandy was gone, Leahnora turned to address the assembled townsfolk.

"Citizens of Cauldron Falls, the threat we face tonight is real.

Ronald Bitterhump and his vampire coven are coming to claim our town and our falls.

But now, thanks to Ms. Keyes' cooperation---however self-serving it may be---we know what to expect and how to prepare. "

As they began organizing defensive positions throughout town, Vlad approached Roam and Honey.

"That woman is something else," he commented, shaking his head. "Twenty years hunting vampires, and I've never met an accomplice quite so..."

"Shallow?" Honey suggested.

"Commission-focused?" Roam offered.

"I was going to say 'on-brand,'" Vlad chuckled. "Even facing imprisonment for murder, she's still trying to sell properties."

In a few hours, Ronald Bitterhump would arrive expecting to claim Cauldron Falls as his vampire resort. Instead, he would find a town united against him, armed with knowledge of his ridiculous weaknesses and prepared to defend their home.

And in her holding cell, Tandy Keyes was already drafting plans on a napkin for a new business venture: "Reformed Villain Properties---Specializing in Second Chance Real Estate for the Magically Incarcerated.

" There might not be vampire commission in her future, but there was always a new market to explore.

Perhaps they'd let her keep her license on probation?

"Prison consultant does have a certain ring to it," she mused, adding "Corner office with barred windows?" to her notes. "I could make this work!"