Page 74 of The Biker and the Baker

“You wanted him to stay so you could be with him wheneveryouwanted. But not completely.”

When I don’t answer, she nods, as if her point is made. I hate her. “Did you think New Guy was unavailable when he began showing interest in you and you in him?”

I shrug. “Maybe. He was a flirt with the girls at work. Men who look like him are never single.”

More scribbling. “In our past sessions, you said you would feel ‘relief’ whenever you saw Calvin with a new girl, but that you’d still hook up with him because you loved him, just not enough to marry him.”

“That’s right.”

“How do you feel about him now?”

“That’s over. Dead in the water.”

“Because of New Guy?”

“Maybe.”

“If you went out and saw New Guy with someone else, how would that make you feel?”

What the hell kind of bullshit question is that?“He can’t do that.”

“Why not? You ended things. He’s a free agent now.”

“Yeah, but he’s still mine.”

She taps her pen on her bottom lip. “Howdo you want New Guy to be yours? In the same way Calvin was yours? That is, only if he’s unavailable?”

“No. I don’t want Onyx with anyone else. Ever. What the fuck, Kyor?”

Something strange flits across her face, and she blinks. “Onyx? That’s New Guy’s name?”

“His nickname.”

“And you don’t want to be with him while he’s available, but you don’t want him to be unavailable either. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see how this is different from Calvin’s and all the other abandoned relationships you’ve had since?”

“Yeah, that’s why I called you. So you can fix this.”

“Just when I think I’ve got you pinned, you always throw me a curveball, Pia.” She sighs and sets down her pen and notebook. “I’ve never said this to a client before, but I need a coffee break.”

~

I left Kyor’s office no better than I went in. As usual, she was useless to me, but she’s still the best, the most helpful anyone else has ever been.

“What did you hope for with this session, Pia?” she’d asked me right before she ended the session.

What I’d hoped for? Nothing, really. I knew she wouldn’t be able to fix me. I’m unfixable. Just needed to talk to someone who knew the real me. The mentally messed-up me. Not the perky, happy-go-lucky, ray-of-sunshine me. And no one knows that me. No one but Kyor.

Family or friends, no one knows I see a therapist or that I have emotionally debilitating issues. I hide it all behind my flamboyancy and confidence. If my therapist and I don’t understand, then they won’t either.

I’d called in sick this morning. Not only to accommodate my session with Kyor, but also because I’m not ready to see Onyx after last night. I hurt him, and as much as I want to undo it, I don’t know how to.

Not wanting to be at home alone with my thoughts either, I drive straight to Saxena’s Deli. As I expected, things are busy when I arrive. Being one of the more popular Indian delis around, Saxena’s is nevernotat full capacity.

My father, who works the front with Rishi, is surprised to see me.