Page 30 of Tempted by a Highland Beast (Tales of Love and Lust in the Murray Castle #9)
But this wasn’t a fight, she realized. This was a choice.
A real one, offered by a man who’d proven himself honorable even when it cost him.
Constantine might be calculating and strategic, but he wasn’t cruel.
He might be demanding and impatient, but he wasn’t dismissive of her opinions or her worth.
He was nothing like her uncle, and she’d thrown that comparison at him like a weapon.
Rowena closed her eyes, thinking of the way he’d moved through the village during the crisis, calm and competent and utterly focused on helping his people.
The way he’d carried that feverish child with such careful gentleness.
The way he’d looked at her afterward, not with calculation or self-interest, but with something that might have been admiration.
That wasn’t the behavior of a man who saw her as a commodity.
She straightened her shoulders and smoothed her skirts. She’d made a mistake and it was time to correct that error, to be brave enough to take the leap he was offering.
It was time to give him her answer. But first, she had to make sure it was the right thing to do, and there was only one person she could have that conversation with.
She found Lilias in the solar, bent over a piece of embroidery with focused concentration. The girl looked up at Rowena’s entrance, her face brightening with the uncomplicated pleasure that never failed to warm something in Rowena’s chest.
“There ye are,” Lilias said, setting aside her needlework. “I was beginning tae think ye’d decided tae take yer morning meal on the battlements.”
“Something like that,” Rowena replied, managing a smile that felt only slightly forced. “Would ye care fer a walk? The morning’s grown fine, and I find meself restless.”
Lilias’s sharp eyes caught the tension Rowena was trying to hide, but she merely nodded and reached for her cloak. “Of course. The outer yard, perhaps? Away from all the bustle?”
Rowena felt a rush of gratitude for the girl’s intuition. “Aye, that sounds perfect.”
They made their way through the castle in comfortable silence, past servants preparing for the day’s tasks and guards changing shifts.
The outer yard was quieter than the main courtyard, bordered by the kitchen gardens and the practice yards, but far enough from both to offer the privacy Rowena craved.
The winter air was crisp against her cheeks as they began to walk, their footsteps crunching softly on the frost-brittle grass. For several minutes, neither spoke, content to move in the kind of easy companionship that had developed between them over the past week.
“Ye look troubled,” Lilias said finally, her voice gentle but concerned. “Is everything well with ye and Constantine?”
Rowena glanced at the younger woman, struck once again by her perceptiveness.
Lilias might be only seventeen, but she had an emotional intelligence that belied her years—perhaps a result of growing up in a household where reading the moods of powerful men could mean the difference between safety and danger.
“Well enough,” Rowena said carefully. “We’ve... reached an understanding.”
“But that’s good news, isn’t it?” Lilias’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Ye’ve agreed tae marry him?”
“Aye, I think so, although I havenae yet told him.” The word came out heavier than Rowena had intended, weighted with all the complicated emotions she was struggling to sort through.
Lilias stopped walking, turning to face Rowena with searching eyes. “Then why dae ye look like ye’re attending a funeral instead of planning a wedding?”
The question, asked with such genuine concern, cracked something open in Rowena’s chest. She’d always been private with her thoughts, trained from childhood to keep her own counsel and present a composed face to the world.
But something about Lilias’s earnest warmth, her complete lack of judgment, made the words spill out before Rowena could stop them.
“Because I dinnae ken what I’m daeing,” she admitted, the confession feeling like a relief and a betrayal all at once. “Because everything about this terrifies me, and I’m nae used tae being terrified.”
Lilias’s expression softened with understanding. “Come,” she said, linking their arms. “Let’s keep walking, and ye can tell me what’s really troubling ye.”
They resumed their slow circuit of the yard, and bit by bit, Rowena found herself opening up in ways she never had before.
She told Lilias about her uncle—not just that he was pursuing her, but the full extent of his ambition and cruelty.
She explained about the power vacuum her father’s death had created, how Alpin had moved swiftly to consolidate control while the clan was still reeling from their loss.
“He told everyone I was grief-stricken, that I needed time tae mourn before taking on me responsibilities,” Rowena said, her voice bitter with remembered anger.
“But what he really wanted was time tae establish himself as the clan’s protector, tae make himself indispensable so that when he finally announced our betrothal, it would seem like the natural solution. ”
Lilias made a sound of disgust. “And the clan believed him?”
“Some did. Others were suspicious, but they had nay proof of his true intentions, and they were dealing with their own grief and uncertainty. It’s easy tae be grateful when someone steps forward tae shoulder the burden, even if their motives aren’t pure.”
“Until he overplayed his hand,” Lilias said quietly.
“Aye.” Rowena’s jaw tightened at the memory. “When he came tae me chambers and announced we’d be wed immediately, that the clan needed the stability of leadership... I knew I was out of time. If I’d stayed even one more day, I would have been trapped.”
They walked in silence for a moment, the weight of Rowena’s revelation settling between them. When Lilias spoke again, her voice was carefully measured.
“And now ye’re facing another marriage, another man making decisions about yer future. I can see why that would be frightening.”
Rowena felt a surge of gratitude for the girl’s understanding. “It is different with Constantine,” she said slowly, working through her own thoughts as she spoke. “He’s given me choice, time, respect. He’s naething like Alpin. But still…”
“But still, yer afraid of losing yerself,” Lilias finished gently.
“Aye.” The admission felt like exhaling a breath she’d been holding for weeks. “I’ve spent me whole life preparing tae lead me clan, tae be the voice of me people. Marrying Constantine means becoming part of something larger, and I don’t ken how tae dae that without disappearing entirely.”
Lilias was quiet for several heartbeats, her expression thoughtful. When she finally spoke, her words were careful yet firm. “May I ask ye something, Rowena? Please dinnae take offense.”
“Of course.”
“What exactly are ye defending by staying unmarried? What are ye protecting by keeping yerself separate?”
The question caught Rowena off guard. She’d been so focused on what she might lose that she hadn’t fully considered what remaining alone would cost her and her people.
“I’m protecting me autonomy,” she said, but even as the words left her mouth, they felt hollow. “Me right tae make decisions fer me clan without outside interference.”
“And how well is that working fer ye?” Lilias asked, not unkindly. “Yer uncle has already seized control of yer lands and people. Yer autonomy is already compromised, isn’t it? The question is whether ye’ll let him keep it, or whether ye’ll fight tae reclaim it.”
Rowena felt something shift in her chest, a perspective she hadn’t allowed herself to consider. “Marriage tae Constantine would give me the strength tae challenge Alpin’s claim.”
“More than that,” Lilias said earnestly. “It would give ye a partner in that fight. Someone who understands strategy and warfare, who has the resources and reputation tae stand against yer uncle’s ambitions. Ye wouldn’t be facing this alone anymore.”
The thought sent a complex mix of relief and terror through Rowena’s veins. She’d been carrying the weight of her clan’s future on her shoulders for so long that the idea of sharing that burden felt almost foreign.
“But what if I lose meself in the process?” she asked, voicing her deepest fear. “What if becoming Constantine’s wife means I stop being Rowena MacKenzie?”
Lilias stopped walking again, turning to face Rowena with fierce intensity. “Dae ye really believe that? After everything ye’ve told me about him, after the way he’s treated ye, dae ye honestly think Constantine would want ye tae be anything other than who ye are?”
Rowena considered the question, thinking of Constantine’s patient respect for her opinions, his willingness to negotiate rather than demand, the way he’d looked at her when she’d insisted on being his equal partner rather than his subordinate.
“Nay,” she said quietly. “I dinnae think he would.”
“Then what are ye really afraid of?” Lilias pressed gently.
Rowena was quiet for a long moment, searching for the courage to voice the truth that had been lurking at the edges of her consciousness. When she finally spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.
“I’m afraid of caring about him too much. I’m afraid of wanting this tae work so badly that I’ll compromise pieces of meself tae make it happen.”
The admission hung in the cold air between them, raw and vulnerable. Lilias’s expression softened with understanding and something that might have been admiration.
“Ye care about him already,” she said, and it wasn’t a question.
“He makes me feel…” Rowena paused, the word feeling like both confession and revelation. “…safe. Like I could trust him with pieces of meself I’ve never shown anyone else. And that terrifies me more than any threat me uncle could pose.”
“Why’s that?”
Rowena shook her head. “Because I’ve never felt that way before. Because I dinnae ken how tae want something that much without losing meself in the wanting.”