Page 35

ALANA

“Here.” Caroline places a shot of tequila by my shaking hand, then a second, with a lifted brow and eyes that brook no argument. “You need to take a damn breath and calm down before your heart gives out.”

I don’t hesitate like I did with the others. I just grab one, toss it back, then the other, and repeat. “Thanks.”

“He’s a lot, huh?” She ignores other waiting customers, setting her elbows on the bar and hitting me with an expression of sympathy. Which almost feels worse than anger. “He always was a whole big bunch of muscle operating on emotion. That ain’t likely to change, no matter how old he gets.”

“I made a mistake coming here.” I push the glasses away and exhale a shuddering breath. “I should’ve known better.”

“Coming here to Darlene’s? Nah, that was just bad luck. I can count on one hand how many times he’s been here in the last year.” She grabs the bottle of tequila and pours me a refill. “The universe was just being especially mean, dropping you both here on the same night.”

“No.” I grab the first and drink again. “Coming here to Plainview. You wanna know a fun fact my kid told me? There are, like, nineteen thousand towns, cities, and little villages all across this damn country. Some of them are big, like New York, and some of them are small, like Plainview. I figure I should just grab a map and pick literally any other place except this one. Tommy deserves to move on without seeing me everywhere he goes, and I would do anything to not feel this… this…” I slam my shot glass down and press a hand to my stomach instead.

“This! This hurt and anxiety and anger and sadness. I want to exist in a place where I’m not equally terrified and hopeful that I’ll run into him, wondering if maybe this is the time it won’t turn to hell. ”

“You want to see him?”

“I want to own him! Because he owns me. I want to have what I used to have, and feel how I used to feel, and be adored the way only he knew how to adore me. I want the life we planned for us , and I want Franky to be there, too. I wish I’d married Tommy, not Colin, and I wish he was the father of my child.

I want to rock on a rocking chair and drink lemonade on the porch with Chris when the sun goes down.

I want the plans we made. But they were stolen from me, too. ”

I grab the next shot and tip it back, desperate for the burn of tequila in my throat rather than the ache of a broken heart in my chest.

“I didn’t give my permission for those things to happen.

” I set the glass down with a bang. “But they did, and now I’m the monster in everyone’s stories.

It’s not fair, Caroline! It’s not fair because I didn’t do anything wrong.

Not like they think I did.” A horrifying sob bursts from my throat, squeezing my lungs and humiliating, because I know people can hear me.

The jukebox is loud but not loud enough to drown out the sound of my tears.

“He thinks I’m the worst person in the world.

And I can’t even tell him different because…

” Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair.

“ Because . He isn’t strong enough to carry this truth.

He isn’t capable of processing it. Or accepting it.

Or sitting with it. He would self-destruct, and I can’t be the reason he does that. ”

“So, you hurt him… to help him?” She lowers to her elbows and studies me from under the curtain of my falling hair. “Are you protecting him, Alana?”

“Always.” I choke on the tears clogging my throat. “For the rest of my life.”

“What the hell happened?” She does to me what I do to Franklin, grabbing my hair and pulling me up to look into her eyes. “You can tell me, ya know? You can share the burden. I won’t tell anyone.”

“You’d tell Pete.” Alcohol swims in my veins, happily pushing pain aside and slowing my heart.

There’s a reason people become alcoholics.

Or drug addicts. There’s a reason these things are regulated and not given to children.

Because when the world hurts too much, and life is intent on crushing your soul, booze has the power to alleviate the torment.

“I know you’re gonna say you won’t. But you’d be lying.

‘Cos people in love have no secrets, and even if I promised to keep yours, I’d have told Tommy back in the day. ”

I look down at my empty shot glasses and lick my lips, and just like magic, despite Caroline’s unhappy face, they refill anyway.

So I grab them both, one in each hand, and shoot them back to back.

Setting them down with a slam—one, two—I squint and search the mirrored wall at her back, making sure my lipstick is still cute. It totally is . Then I slide off my stool and turn. “I’m going out to the smoking area.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea! Alana!” Her voice carries over the music, announcing to the whole world my plans. But shit, who cares? The whole world is watching anyway. “Alana? Tequila and Tommy don’t mix.”

I merely lift my hand and wave goodbye, then I work my way through the crowd, their tightly packed bodies becoming leaning posts for me to pretend not to lean on.

I mean, to be completely and utterly objective, not all of them know who I am. And not all of them care what I’m doing. Some folks actually have better things to do and more important things to focus on. But damn, it feels like every pair of eyes in the place are on me.

Well, except for that one couple I pass, kissing with their tongues and grinding on each other… is that Eliza Darling ?

“She sure grew up.” A soft, silly giggle weaves through my chest and out to touch the humid air. Then I shove the back doors open, surprising the Watkins posse crowd as they mill around a picnic bench and chug their own shots.

That’s what we do out here in Bumfuck Plainview. We drink, and we have sex with our high school sweethearts, and sometimes, we get the happily ever after.

It’s not guaranteed, though.

“You should probably turn around and go back inside.” Oliver Darling— such a darling —scampers my way and becomes the first line of defense, protecting his sweet Tommy Watkins.

“Alana?” He grabs my arms, holding me up when my legs tremble.

“Go inside, sweetheart. This ain’t gonna do anyone any good tonight. ”

“I’m sad about you too, just so you know.

” I want to hug him. Punch him. Press a kiss on his cheek and ask him who he’s in love with.

Because Oliver Darling is a darling. He always was.

“I know everyone is focused on Tommy right now and how horrible his bitch ex was to him. And of course, I’m focused on him most of all, ‘cos my heart hurts and my eyes cry sometimes. But you,” I poke his chest, digging my finger in just a little further to drive my point home, “you were my friend. You were the reason he had to bail you out of jail. And do you remember that time Tommy’s piece of shit dad beat the crap out of him?

Like, I know there were lots of times?—”

“Alana, stop.”

“But you remember this one specific time I’m talking about. Tommy was home with a broken freakin’ sternum ‘cos his daddy stomped on him. He was sore and couldn’t get out of bed for a few days, and there was this guy giving me trouble at school.”

He’s back there. I see him. Tommy Watkins, glaring at me from the corner of his eyes while he takes his shot.

“I tried to make the guy leave me be, and I definitely wasn’t gonna trouble Tommy with it.

He had his own stuff to worry about. But he grabbed me, you remember?

Right here on my,” I look down, giggle-whispering, “he grabbed my boobs. That was the first time some guy touched my body without my permission. You swooped in like my very own Superman and flattened that asshole. And then we promised not to tell Tommy.” Smug, I lean to the side and meet Tommy’s ferocious glare.

“We kept a secret from you, Thomas. ‘Cos we didn’t want you to worry.” Then back to Oliver, I try, so, so hard to stop my jaw from trembling.

“We were friends, and you cared about me, and I cared about you. And you’re a doctor now!

Which is so freakin’ cool, especially since you were the idiot arrested for streaking that time.

But I can’t even talk to you about any of this ‘cos you’re Team Tommy. ”

“Alana…”

“And that’s fine.” I sigh. “You should be Team Tommy because he’s the best fucking human I ever met in my whole life.

But I miss being part of that team, too.

” I push him aside and stumble around, zeroing in on Chris perched on the table, his feet on the bench seat and his elbows on his knees.

“And I’m sad about you because there are different kinds of love in this world.

There’s the love I have for him.” I point toward Tommy and ignore the way his eyes flash with…

anger, probably. “ Had. Have .” I shrug.

“But then there’s the love I had for you.

It’s different but still so special. I cry for you, too.

Then and now. For so many nights, over so many years, I’ve laid in bed, begging for sleep, and wept for you.

I never cried for Oliver.” I turn back, snickering. “No offense.”

He drops his hands into his pockets, raising his shoulders. “ None taken.”

I bring my eyes back to Chris and search his dark, shadowed, and a little-bit-drunk gaze.

“I love you like I would’ve loved a brother if I ever had one.

Love the same way I love my child. You’re Team Tommy, too, and that’s entirely okay because you were his first. But I swear to you, it feels like I lost half of my soul when I lost you. ”