Page 42 of Tango (Hunt Brothers Search & Rescue #4)

The heavy bag swings, creaking the chain as I drive my fist into the side of it.

Again.

Again.

Every muscle in my body is warmed up, my skin slick with sweat, but I’m nowhere near tired despite being out here for nearing four hours. It’s not unusual, though. Sleep eludes me more often than not.

I step back, then spin and kick, slamming my foot into the bag and sending it swinging wildly on its chain.

The ache in my chest isn’t unfamiliar; honestly, I’d be worried if I woke up one day and it was gone, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with.

And ever since I saw Emma standing in the sunlight, her pretty dress flowing softly in the early fall breeze, it’s felt like an anvil on my chest.

If only it would crush me already and get it over with. This slow, torturous pain is killing me.

“I thought I saw a light on.” Tucker, my twin brother, steps through the open door of the gym. His dog, Tango, rushes to greet my dog, Delta, and the two of them almost immediately start wrestling.

“Wanted a quick workout in before bed.”

“Didn’t you work out earlier today, too?” Tucker questions, leaning back against the refrigerator holding all of our cold pre- and post-workout drinks.

“Yeah. So?”

“So, is everything okay?”

“It’s fine.” I slam my fist into the bag, wishing this conversation was already over. But, Tucker being Tucker, he only pries more.

“You haven’t been coming around as often, so I just want to make sure you’re good.”

“You just got married a few months ago,” I remind him. “So, no, I haven’t been around a whole lot. Seems to me you’d want some time to be alone with your wife.” I undo the cap of my water, not bothering to remove the wraps from my hands because I’m nowhere near tired enough for sleep yet.

“Fair enough, but you know we like having you around.” He crosses his arms.

I hate that he still feels like he has to take care of me.

And I hate it even more that I really do miss my brothers.

Even if I am happy for all of them and their newfound romances, love just isn’t in the cards for me.

Not now. Not ever. Which means this is the new normal.

They’ll be starting families and living their happily ever after while I grow old alone, waiting for the day I no longer have to live with cement caked around my ankles.

I set my water down and turn toward him. “Look, I did some work out at Charlene Thomas’ place earlier, and now I’m trying to get one final workout in today since I have to be up early to paint over there and likely won’t get one in tomorrow morning, okay?”

Tucker doesn’t look at all like he believes me. “You saw Emma over there, didn’t you?”

I drop my head into my hands and let out a frustrated breath. “She’s an off-limits topic, and you know that.”

“Do I?” Tucker crosses his arms. “Did she say something that upset you?”

“Emma?” I ask. “Of course not. She never says anything mean to anyone ever.” She’s pure light. Always has been. Which is why I can’t be anywhere close to her. The darkness in me will devour her light.

And this world needs her light.

It already has enough darkness.

“Tomorrow is her birthday.”

“I’m aware,” I growl.

“Just making sure.” Tucker uncrosses his arms and pushes off the refrigerator. “Want me to hold the bag? Might be easier to beat it up if it’s not going anywhere.”

“No, thanks.” I unwrap my hands. “It’s late. I’ll probably just call it a night.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” I hang my wraps up then grab my bottle of water on my way out the door. “ Hier, Delta,” I call my dog, using the German commands they were all trained with as puppies. Easier to control your dog when few others can interfere.

He hops up from where he was laying, and trots over toward me.

Tucker whistles for Tango, who also joins us as we step out into the evening air. It’s nearly eleven in the evening, and the moon is high overhead, casting a silver glow over the ranch that has been my home for my entire life.

If only it still felt that way.

Truth is I haven’t felt at home anywhere in a long, long time.

I doubt I ever will again.

“You sure you’re good? I can come hang for a bit. Alice is wrapping up some work stuff.”

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

Tucker offers me a nod before he turns away.

“Hey, Tuck?”

He turns back toward me. “Yeah?”

“I’m really happy for you and Alice. I hope you know that.”

Tucker smiles. “I know, bro. Love you.”

“You, too.”

Delta and I climb into the utility vehicle I drove over here earlier, then wait until Tucker has pulled his truck out of the way so I can head home. As soon as he’s out of the way, I make the five-minute drive over toward the acre of land my parents gave me to build my house on.

We each have an acre—including our youngest sister, Lani, though she’s still living in an apartment in town and hasn’t started building anything on her land just yet. Personally, I think she’s waiting until she finds her happily ever after, too, though she will never admit as much.

My home comes into view—a simple, single-story, three-bedroom cabin that has been my home since I built it a couple of years after returning home from my last deployment. It’s a good house. Sturdy. But that’s all it is to me—a structure built to protect me from the elements.

I thought time would make it feel more like home, but the truth is, no matter how many days pass—it’s still just a house. And I’m still a man barely alive.

Used to the routine, I don’t have to call Delta as I climb out. He simply falls into a trot beside me while we climb the porch steps. I unlock the door, and he trots inside, so I follow, hanging the UTV keys up near the door and retrieving my truck keys and wallet from the counter.

With them in hand, I grab the glass vase I’d picked up earlier, add some water, then head out and lock up behind me. The wildflowers I planted in front of my house are the only part of this place that brings me any spark of joy.

Because they remind me of her.

Colorful, chaotic yet organized, beautiful—they’re Emma.

It’s a sweet kind of torture to see them and see her, but it’s the closest I can get without dimming the light burning bright within her soul. So, I take what I can, though it’s never enough to satisfy the starvation I’ve suffered since losing her.

Tucker knocks on the doorjamb but doesn’t pause before coming into the hospital room. I can’t bring myself to look at him. Even though we’re not identical, my twin is a painful reminder of who I was before hell descended upon me.

“Hey, brother. Look who’s here?”

I don’t even have to look to know it’s her. I can sense her like an animal can sense a storm headed their way. That’s what she is to me: a storm sent to sweep me away and carry me into a past that no longer exists and a future that will never come to pass.

“Hey, Dylan.” Emma’s gorgeous face comes into view as she steps in front of me. Her blonde hair has been swept out of her face and braided down over her shoulder. The light dusting of freckles on her face are apparent even in the dim hospital light.

I don’t respond. What can I say? I’m not who she’s looking for. Not anymore.

She steps up beside the bed and reaches down to touch my hand. The moment her skin touches mine, I jolt away. My breathing turns ragged, and I clench both hands into fists as I close my eyes tightly.

I’m not in danger.

I’m not in danger.

But no matter how many times I repeat the mantra over and over again, I’m still unable to put a leash around the panic clawing through me.

Fight. I need to fight. They’ll kill me if I don’t.

I’m not in danger.

They’re going to take what little is left of me.

I’m not in danger.

“Brother, breathe.”

“Get away from me!” I roar, shooting up off of the bed. Everything around me is gone, and all I see is red. My hand closes around skin, and I hold on.

A woman screams.

Hands grip my shoulders and shove me back down. But I will not be kept down. Not again. Never again.

“Stay down!” a man yells.

He’d like that. They all would. But I won’t give up without a fight.

“Dylan, it’s me!” That woman screams again. Her voice is familiar, but they’d want it to be, right? A trick to keep me from fighting.

“You’re hurting her, Dylan!”

“Dylan, you’re safe,” that woman whispers to me.

The red begins to dissipate, and my surroundings return. I’m not in the pit—I’m in a hospital room.

I’m not alone—I’m with— Oh no. I release the hold I have on Emma’s arm, giving Riley the ability to rip her away from me. Tucker’s hands release me, and he steps back.

They’re all staring at me like the monster that I am.

“Get her out of here!” I yell. “Now!”

“Dylan, it’s—” Emma starts.

Hot tears sting my eyes. “Get out! I don’t want to see you!”

Breathing is nearly impossible with the vise around my lungs, but I do what I can to draw in ragged breath after ragged breath while Riley ushers Emma out.

Tucker remains where he is, but I barely see him as I curl onto my side, one hand gripping the hospital railing with such force my knuckles turn white.

I could have killed her.

I could have killed her.

I would have killed her.

Why couldn’t they have killed me first?