Page 31

Chapter Thirty-One

Mikah

Tension radiates from Dominic. He’s nervous. Hell, I’m nervous for him. He’s keeping it together better than I would be. If this were me? I’d likely decline coming to the event. How the hell would I go up there in front of all these people and accept an award? That’s too much for me. But Dominic totally has this. He can do this. I know he can.

They go through the nominees, and I grit my teeth when I see Gerard, the douche from the airport, up on the screen. I don’t recognize the next guy, but Dominic is after him. He’s got someone bent over that stupid couch, his hand on the back of his head, pushing him down as he grips the guy’s hip, pounding him hard from behind. He’s sweaty, flushed, and really going hard.

I’ve never seen him like that.

He doesn’t get that way with me. Yes, he fucks me hard, but he’s always in control with me. In the short clip they show, he looks crazed. Like he’s lost himself. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Is that a compliment or an insult? Am I not good enough to make him lose control? I shake the thought from my head because this isn’t about me. None of this is about me. That is all acting. He probably did it on purpose, just for the video. Meaning it means nothing. I get the real Dominic, the one who has feelings for me and cares about me.

I miss the fourth nomination, but the fifth is playing as everything comes back into view. Royce Barnes, who I’ve talked to before. We’d talked about making a video together, but I ended up changing my mind. Would be nice to run into him and just say hey. We’ve never met face-to-face before. The screen cuts to the view of Sabrina, so everyone in the far back can see her.

Dominic is stiff and not breathing as Sabrina pulls the paper from the envelope. She smiles, showing off beautiful white teeth. She’s short, petite, adorable. Bleach blond hair and pale skin.

“And the winner for Best Dominating Male is… Dominic Blake!” she calls out.

“Holy shit,” he mutters in disbelief, not moving as the crowd booms with applause.

“Fuck yes,” I say quietly, grinning and putting my arm around him. I lean in to kiss his cheek, then get up as he does to clap like I’ve never clapped before. He adjusts his tie, smiling a mile wide as the cameras pan in on him, showing us both up on the big screen. He walks to the stage somewhat in a daze. When he stands up there, behind the podium, accepting the statue from Sabrina, the amount of pride and emotion I feel has me dizzy. I sit back down, not wanting to be in the way of anyone being able to see my boyfriend up there, accepting his award for a job well done.

Fuck, he’s really my boyfriend. We’re really doing this.

All of this feels like a dream. Being here. Being with him. My whole life. How did I go from being a hermit, to being the boyfriend of Dominic Blake? Fuck, this is crazy. As I watch him up there, glowing with pride, that voice is back. Louder than ever.

He’s up there winning awards; what are you doing?

He’s not going to want to take care of you all the time now that he’s going to be more famous.

He won’t deal with your shit anymore after tonight.

He’s going to forget all about you.

He’ll find more well-known people to fuck.

You aren’t good enough.

You aren’t good enough.

You aren’t good enough.

The thoughts shut down when Dominic takes his seat, and I feel awful that I missed his speech all because of that ridiculous voice that’s ruining my life. Dominic puts the award on the table in front of him, then leans over, takes my face between his large hands, and kisses me silly.

It has my stomach twisting and my heart fluttering. Fuck, I almost want to smile. But that voice is lingering, reminding me that I’m nothing. This is only temporary. Dominic won’t be here forever.

I push them away and when he pulls back, I smile at him because I won’t ruin this for him. I won’t. This night is about him, and he can have it. He can have anything he wants for as long as he wants—including me.

Because the reality is, I’m too far gone now. I’m addicted to Dominic Blake. The way he makes me feel. Who he is. I’m his as long as he’ll have me.

That voice can tell me how I’m nothing. As long as Dominic sticks around, I’ll know I’m something. Because at the very least, I’m his. And that’s priceless. But no matter how hard I try to push the voice away, it just won’t stop. I can argue points all day, but it just keeps coming at me.

There’s never been someone in my life who wanted to be here, who chose me over everyone else. And though Dominic has done that so far, discussing changing his platform for me, that isn’t going to last. Why would it? Especially after this.

He just got an award for Best Dominating Male. He isn’t going to win more awards fucking the same guy for the rest of his life. He’s going to realize that. One of these days he’s going to realize I’m a mistake—same way everyone else has. Then he’ll get rid of me.

I’m disposable. Expendable. Unmemorable.

I’m not good enough to be kept long-term.

That’s a harsh fucking reality to face, but one I should accept sooner rather than later. It’ll make the hit easier to take when it happens. If I were smart, I’d break it off now. Save myself the pain that will eventually come, but I can’t. I’m too weak to give up this feeling. I’m too obsessed with how Dominic makes me feel, what he gives me. It’s a freedom from myself I didn’t know I was capable of.

The voice is back with a vengeance, but it won’t be here for long. I know without a shadow of a doubt that when we hit the bedroom, it’ll go away again. It will. It always does. It has to. Dominic makes it go away, and I just need to focus to make it stop. None of what it’s saying is true. I mean, maybe some of it is, but Dominic isn’t that kind of person. He won’t pick fame over me. He won’t.

I keep my shit together, pushing the voice away every time I hear it. The only thing keeping my head straight is telling myself this is for him and not me. This is his night. I won’t ruin it. I won’t be that person.

The show takes a pause as Chelseigh gets back up to the podium.

“The next group of categories has some more depth to them. A bit more creativity is involved. Take inspiration as you see fit, and maybe your video will be up here next year.”

People clap as a woman walks out on stage, getting to the podium to announce what’s next. A glance down at the itinerary tells me Dominic will be up again after this one. He’s still grinning from his award. I see him sneaking glances at it, and I can’t blame him. Even sitting this close to it is crazy. Knowing I know someone who’s won an actual award is nuts .

The first category is Best Girl on Girl Outside Scene. When the clips come up, they play for longer than they did last time, and I notice each video has two names on the bottom instead of one. Makes sense, if it’s a girl-on-girl category. They both deserve the award.

“And the award goes to… Raven Grey and Esme Wilson!”

Two girls walk up on stage, holding hands. One has blonde hair, the other black. Both are in high ponytails, their hair long and sleek. Their boobs are fake, for sure, skin tan and shiny. Their dresses are tight and short. They look like schoolgirls.

They give a quick speech, each of them taking an award before going back to their table. Sky Bunny is at the microphone now, a girl with bubble gum pink hair.

“How y’all doing tonight?” she asks into the mic with a sweet southern drawl.

Everyone whoops and claps.

“Our next category is Best Male on Male Couch Scene. I love myself some male-on-male action, just saying,” she says, then giggles. A bunch of people in the crowd cheer. I laugh and so does Dominic.

I take his hand again, hoping it gives him some sort of calmness. I’m not sure that’s the energy I’m exuding, but I’m trying. I’m also trying like hell to keep it together and get out of my head.

Dominic’s video is the first to be shown, and as much as I don’t want to look at it, I can’t pull my eyes away .

There he is, up on the big screen, sitting on his couch while some twink rides his dick. He jerks him off, lust-filled eyes staring at the guy on his lap. I grit my teeth, sucking in a slow breath as my heart threatens to lunge from my chest.

It’s just his job. It’s just work. It’s his past. He isn’t doing this anymore.

But now that he has a taste of what it’s doing for his career…

He’s going to change his mind and tell me he’s going back to it. That he needs to do it. That he has to fuck other guys on that stupid couch in order to keep up his persona. Dominic Blake can’t have a boyfriend…

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

I take calming breaths and finish my drink. When the waiter walks by, I ask for another.

The rest of the videos play, but I can’t get the image of Dominic and that guy out of my head. And it’s so stupid because I’ve seen so many of these videos before. I watched so many of them, but he didn’t mean anything to me at the time. In fact, I hated him. It was easy then. Now, it infuriates me.

I hardly hear it when Sky calls out Dominic’s name… along with someone named Trent Ballz, who is obviously the guy in the video. What a stupid fucking name.

My face wants to frown, but I force it to stop. The last thing I need is someone snapping a photo of me being pissed over this. Never mind ruining his night, it’ll ruin my career. And probably have a shit ton of guys flocking Dominic’s way with promises to be a better boyfriend. I make myself smile. I clap, I’m happy, I do everything I can to make it seem like I’m thrilled about this.

And I am. My boyfriend just won a second award. But he’s walking up there with another man. A man who is definitely his type, because he’s like all the other guys in his videos. A guy who isn’t like me. One who looks pretty damn good in a pink suit, not something many people could pull off. A man who is now holding hands with my boyfriend, pulling them up high and grinning. Grinning because of Dominic, who fucked the hell out of him, causing them to win this award. Dominic, who is my boyfriend.

They each have an award in their hand now and look at them up there together. They look so good. They each say a few words, and though I don’t hear any of them because the blood is rushing in my ears, I certainly see it when Trent grabs Dominic by the cheeks and kisses him on the lips.

On the fucking lips.

Dominic laughs.

He fucking laughs.

He laughs and then shakes his award in the air and everyone around me is clapping and cheering and celebrating, and here I am, turning to fucking ice.