Page 47 of Summer Weddings

“Bethany,” Ben called, “if you need any help making that gravy, you let me know.”

“I will. Thanks for offering.”

Not until she was outside, with the cold clawing at her face, did she realize there were tears in her eyes. She quickly brushed them away and hurried to the church.

* * *

Christmas was supposed to be a joyous time of year. It would be, Matt Caldwell thought, if Karen was with him. He glanced around the Anchorage church. The harder he tried not to think about his ex-wife, the more difficult it became to concentrate on the hymnbook in his hands.

Perhaps it was because the last time he’d been in this church was after his grandmother’s death. The sadness that had taken hold of his heart then hadn’t faded in the weeks since.

Matt hadn’t made church a habit of late. The fact was, he and God weren’t on the best of terms. He was quite comfortable ignoring the presence of an almighty being, since evidence of God had been sorely lacking in his life these past few years.

It didn’t help that he was once again the only family member who was alone. His parents stood on one side of him, and Lanni and Charles on the other. Those two were so much in love it was painful just being around them.

Although Lanni enjoyed her work with the Anchorage News, she hated the long separations from Charles. April couldn’t come soon enough as far as she was concerned.

The Christmas Eve church services continued, and the members of the congregation lifted their voices in song.

Matt wasn’t in any frame of mind to join in.

He’d worked hard during the past few months.

Damned hard. Other than his obvious purpose of getting the lodge ready, he’d driven himself in a single-minded effort, but whether it was to impress Karen or get her out of his system, he no longer knew.

He couldn’t help wondering how his ex-wife was spending Christmas. He was pretty confident she wouldn’t have a white Christmas in California.

Was she alone, the way he was? Did she feel empty inside? Was she thinking of him?

Somehow he doubted it, considering how impulsively she’d left Alaska. It still bothered him that she hadn’t so much as told him she was moving. Instead, she’d contacted his sister, knowing Lanni would tell him.

Once the interminable singing ended, there was the predictable Christmas pageant. Despite his misery, Matt found himself smiling as the Sunday school children gave the performance they’d no doubt been rehearsing for months.

This year, instead of a doll, they had a newborn infant playing the role of the baby Jesus. This child was anything but meek and mild. In fact, he let out a scream that echoed through the church and started all the children giggling.

Well, that was what they got for using a real baby.

A baby.

He froze on the thought. Babies. Children. He glanced around the congregation and noticed a number of families with small children.

Karen had wanted children. They’d had more than one heated discussion on that subject.

Matt had been against it; he didn’t feel ready for fatherhood.

Not when his future and career remained unsettled.

In retrospect, he could see he’d been right.

Dragging a child through a divorce would’ve been criminal.

Now the likelihood of his having a family was remote at best. He discovered, somewhat to his surprise, that the realization brought with it a new pain. Great. Just what he needed. Another resentment to harbor. Another casualty of his dead marriage. Something else to flail himself with.

He was relieved when the church service ended. At least he hadn’t been subjected to a lengthy sermon on top of the singing and the pageant.

Once they were home, his family gathered around the Christmas tree. Traditionally they opened their gifts on Christmas Eve. It had taken some doing for him to dredge up enough energy to spring for gifts, but he’d managed it.

“How about hot apple cider?” Lanni asked.

“Sure,” he said, faking a smile. It didn’t seem fair to burden everyone else with his misery.

His sister brought him a cup, then sat down next to him. Their mother was busy in the kitchen and his father was talking to Charles.

“I hoped we’d have a minute alone before opening the gifts,” Lanni whispered. She searched through the mound of gaily wrapped presents; beneath one of them she found what she was looking for. An envelope. She handed it to him.

Matt looked at his name on the envelope and instantly recognized the handwriting as Karen’s. His heart skipped a beat, and he raised his eyes to his sister’s, not sure what to think.

“How’d you get this?”

“Karen mailed a gift to me and to Mom and Dad. It was in the same package.”

“I…see.” His hand closed tightly over the envelope.

“There’s something else,” Lanni said, her gaze avoiding his.

“Yes?” He was eager to escape to his room and read what Karen had written.

“Our wedding…”

“What about it?”

“Would you mind very much if Karen served as my maid of honor?”

Matt stared at his sister, not understanding. “You want her in your wedding party?”

“Yes,” she said, then quickly added, “But only if you don’t object. I wouldn’t want it to be uncomfortable for you, Matt. You’re my brother, after all, and she was your wife—but she’s still my friend.”

“Why should I care?” he mumbled. “It’s your wedding.” With that, he left the room.

Once he was inside his old bedroom, Matt threw himself on the bed and tore open the envelope. A single sheet of paper fell from the card. Heart pounding, he unfolded it and read:

Merry Christmas, Matt.

It didn’t seem right to mail gifts to Lanni and your parents and send you nothing. But at the same time, it’s a bit awkward to buy my ex-husband a Christmas gift.

I hope this card finds you well.

Sincerely,

Karen

Sincerely. She’d actually signed the note sincerely. As if it was some kind of business letter or he was merely a casual acquaintance. He picked up the Christmas card he’d discarded earlier and found she’d written nothing but her name.

Still, sending a Christmas card was more than he’d done for her. He supposed he’d have to add that to his long list of failures and regrets.