Page 24
24
Kalen
I t was a long-ass drive back from Connecticut, my mind swirling with all the lies, fed to me by the finest actress I know. Jesus, how did I not see it coming? Oh, probably because she didn’t give me any reason to think she was messing with me. But seriously, talk about past lessons learned doing nothing to give me a head’s up. Honestly though, I’ve always had lessons learned in the back of my brain. It’s why I haven’t been able to commit. After my talk with Taylor, who reminded me I needed to let the past go before I could move forward, I began to do that, not completely, but little by little, which is why I grew closer to Sahara.
She was different, sweet, kind and so caring.
I bark out a laugh, because yeah that was all an act. Hollywood is definitely going to come calling.
Sahara Monroe is Darien Lewis, from the closet.
I shake my head, still unable to wrap my brain around that as I pull into my driveway and stare at my big, empty house. I don’t actually want to go inside. I’ll see Sahara everywhere, laughing with me, helping my sister with her lines, eating at the kitchen table…making love in my bed.
Correction: having sex in my bed.
None of this was real, and that’s the hardest part to accept.
I tap my fingers on my steering wheel, as my phone rings. I reach for it and slide my finger across the screen. “Hey,” I greet my buddy, Ash. Fuck, I can’t believe Gina knew about this. Why didn’t she tell me? I’m not mad at her, but it’s not fair that she had to keep a secret.
“How’s it going?”
Did Sahara call Gina? How much does my buddy know?
“I’m home,” I exhale, exhaustion getting the better of me.
“Yeah, I just saw you drive by my place,” he says quietly, and that one word says it all. He knows who Sahara is, and he knows that I know. “Why don’t you come over?”
“It’s late.”
“It’s not that late. Come have a beer and crash here.”
I stare at the big oak tree on my lawn, the branches moving in the breeze. “I loved her, man.”
Ash takes a big breath, and in a low voice whispers, “I know. I’m sorry, Kalen. You shouldn’t be alone right now. I’m going to come get you, okay?”
As I stare at the house, big and empty, and consider his offer. But then another idea hits, and I know in a heartbeat what I have to do. “No, it’s okay.”
“At least come for dinner.”
“I’m good. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be alone.”
“You sure, buddy?”
“Never more sure about anything.”
“Okay, we’re here for you if you need anything.”
“I know.” With that we end the call, and I hop from my car. With exhaustion pulling at me, and not wanting to fight traffic or parking, I call an Uber. Forty-five minutes later, thanks to favorable traffic, I make my way through airport security. Thank God, I forgot to cancel our flights.
A few hours later, I step off the plane in New York, and since I only have one carry-on bag with me, I head straight outside and call for a car. I give him the address and an hour later, nighttime blanketing the city, I stand on the stoop and knock on the door.
I glance around. Maybe they’re asleep. Shit, I should have gotten a hotel for the night, and come back in the morning. It is getting late.
I’m about to call an Uber, only to turn back to the door when it inches open. “Who is it?”
His voice falls over me, and in that instant, I honest to God don’t know whether the sound of it adds to the hurt or begins the healing process. All I know is a bevy of emotions race through me and throw me off balance.
“Dad, it’s me.”
The door swings open and my father’s jaw is practically on the ground as he flicks on the porch light and gazes at me like he might be dreaming, or I’m some kind of unexplained apparition.
“Kalen…”
“Can I come in?”
“Yes, of course. What are you doing here? Miles is sick and I didn’t want you or Taylor to catch anything. I thought we’d rescheduled. Not that I’m not happy to see you. I am.”
I step inside his place, and the lights are dim. I hear an old hockey game playing in the background. “Is this a bad time?”
He gives a fast shake of his head. “No, I was…” An almost embarrassed look comes over his face “I was just rewatching an old game.”
As I listen to the play, it becomes evident it’s one of our old games against Chicago. I scored a hat trick in that one.
“You watch my games?” Equal measures of sadness and warmth swirl around my stomach, yet I still hold onto anger. Anger that is weighing me down and that’s why I’m here. I have plenty of friends to talk to, but I think I’m here because what I need can only come from my father.
“I do,” he answers quietly. “Come in.” He guides me into the living room and turns the TV down. “Have a seat. Can I get you a drink?”
“No, I’m okay.”
He sits across from me, and while he seems genuinely happy to see me, he’s confused as well. Why wouldn’t he be? I haven’t talked to him in years.
“Kalen, why are you really here? Are you okay?”
I lean forward, plant my elbows on my knees and press my fists against my eyes. “I don’t think I am.”
“What can I do?” he asks, his tone worried, cautious.
Is he afraid I’m here to hurt him, to yell at him for what happened all those years ago…for needing someone during the most difficult time of his life…
“Why did you let us go live with Grandma?” It was a question I always thought I knew the answer to, until Sahara.
Sahara….
Goddammit, I reacted, walked out on her because I’m still holding onto anger, unable to completely forgive.
You need to let the past go before you can move forward.
Maybe if I had done that, moved past the pain of my father’s infidelity and lies, I would have reacted differently with the woman I love, instead of saying some pretty shitty things to her.
Fuck me.
There’s a long beat of silence, and when I lift my head to look at him, he begins in a shaky voice, “Because I love you and Taylor, you both mean the world to me and I wanted to do what was best for you both.” As I continue to stare, he nods and expands with, “I thought you needed distance from me, to find yourselves and reach your goals. You couldn’t do that with all the anger you were holding. Anger I put there. I understand that.” He rubs his hands on his pants, much like I do when I’m stressed, and glances down like he can no longer look at me. “I’m so sorry, Kalen. I’m so sorry for everything.”
The sadness radiating from every pore in his body pierces my heart, and my eyes grow wet as I take in the dark circles beneath. He’s been hurting. My heart squeezes tight, and I pinch the bridge of my nose to fight back a sob. Fuck, we’ve all been hurting—we’ve all lost loved ones because of the hurt—and goddammit, it’s gone on long enough.
Forgiveness is hard.
Yeah, it’s hard, but I can do hard.
“Hurting you and your sister, I’ll never forgive myself. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I only ever wanted what was best for you both. I knew you couldn’t stand to look at me. I couldn’t stand to look at myself. I was afraid and what I did was wrong, son. I know that, and I own that mistake and regret it every day.” He chokes on his words as a sob catches in his throat. “I loved your mother. I wish I could have taken her cancer away. I wish it was me, and not her, and?—”
“Dad,” I begin to stop him, his fear and hurt and sadness pushing back the last of the pain inside me, making room for love and…forgiveness. “You looked out for us. You did. You tried to do your best in a difficult time, but what I didn’t understand for a very long time was how much you were hurting too, how you had no one helping you.” My heart pounds fast in my chest, as I make a fist and hold it to my chest. “No one was taking care of you, Dad. I didn’t understand that then.”
Who’s taking care of you, Kalen?
As Sahara’s words bounce around inside my brain, my stomach clenches. Jesus, she was the one taking care of me, and look how I treated her.
Dad is about to speak, to no doubt keep blaming himself, but I speak first. “You needed Miles,” I decide. “You were broken, too.”
His shoulders sag, and his head falls forward. “I was broken, son. That’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have…not during…”
“I know, I get it, but I no longer think it was a matter of shouldn’t. You had three people to take care of. I think it was a matter of need, the only way you could physically and mentally get yourself through a horrible time.”
“Son…” He gives me a shaky smile as the mood in the room shifts, the darkness lifting.
I shift forward. “I’m sorry I didn’t know how to take care of you.”
He gives a hard shake of his head. “That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.”
“I know, but it’s who I am.”
He nods and lets me own it. “I guess we all have to take care of each other, son.”
Silence falls over us for a long time, and we let it as we sort through our thoughts. I finally break the quiet. “There’s a girl…” I lift my head to see worried eyes. “The whole time we were together, she was pretending to be something she wasn’t.” He nods, understanding the question, even though I didn’t pose it as one.
“Sometimes we hide who we are, Kalen. It’s true. I did it. But we do it, not to be mean or spiteful, but to protect ourselves and the ones we love, for fear they won’t like who we really are inside. We present a different version of ourselves.”
“She said I never paid the quiet, shy book nerd any attention in high school.”
“Is that true?”
“It is. We ran in different circles. It’s not that I didn’t like that version—I didn’t know that version—it was because I was busy with hockey, and had a girlfriend, and then there was a closet incident…” I steal a glance at Dad, but there’s no judgement on his face, just quiet understanding. “I thought she was my girlfriend when I went into the closet, and when my real girlfriend found us, Sahara ran away. It was only recently she found out that I knew it was her.”
“Ah, I see.”
“I went looking for her back then.”
He angles his head and states, “You liked what happened in the closet.”
“Yeah, I did. She’s a friend of Taylor’s and we met one night at a play. She thought I liked the character she was playing, so she pretended to be her.”
“Because you wouldn’t like that girl from the closet?”
“Right.”
He rocks back in his chair and it squeaks. “All this time you were with her, is that the only version she showed you?”
I consider it a moment. “I…I don’t know. I mean, she was fun, exciting, bold, like her character, but there were times she was deep, caring and understanding. She was the one who encouraged me to talk to you, and talked about forgiveness.”
“Sounds like she really cares about you.”
“She cares about Taylor too. She’s been a good friend to her.” A beat and then, “When she moved to Boston, she said she wanted to find herself. She said she didn’t know who she truly was.”
“Sounds like she had some work to do on herself.”
“I just…don’t think she had to hide it from me.”
Dad leans forward. “Son, she was protecting herself, and in a way protecting you, by trying to hide the girl you didn’t like, or rather the girl she thought you didn’t like.” He gives a humorless laugh. “Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”
“Yeah…”
Wise eyes latch on mine. “If you ask me, everything she presented to you might have been a part of who she really was.”
“Yeah…” I murmur as I consider all the time we spent together, and apart.
“Do you think she’s found herself, Kalen?”
I can’t deny that I watched a woman blossom before my eyes. She might have done things that were out of character or out of her comfort zone, but in my heart, I know there was truth and honesty in everything that transpired between us. “I do.”
“And what about you? What did you find?”
My pulse jumps in my throat and with zero hesitation I answer with, “I found a multifaceted woman that I’m in love with.”
His lips thin as he nods. “If she found herself, maybe you should go find her too.”
I swallow hard. “I said some things…”
“Forgiveness is hard, but it’s in all of us. Look at us. Forgiving each other, and ourselves.”
I jump to my feet, grab my phone and call my sister. She’s breathless when she answers on the third ring, and normally I’d ask what she was up to, but the panic inside me has me blurting out, “I need your help.”