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FIVE

Olivia

I give up on sleep somewhere around three in the morning.

I toss the pillow I had flung over my eyes onto the floor and click on the bedside lamp.

The sky outside my window is still pitch black.

I can’t blame jetlag. Despite the fact it’s morning back home, I adjusted to the time difference over a week ago.

It’s morning and Justin still hasn’t called or messaged back.

A swell of acrid tension rises in my belly as I replay the last twenty-four hours in my mind all over again. It’s been happening on repeat ever since I rushed from The Snapper and back to my room hardly knowing what to do.

With shaking hands I pick up my phone from the nightstand and dial.

He answers.

It rang so many times I think it’s his voicemail at first. And then he speaks. “Olivia, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so early. I thought it was still nighttime in Australia.”

A little of the sick feeling subsides when I realize he must have been thinking about me to have considered what time it was for me. Perhaps all my stupid worries have been for nothing. Perhaps something really did come up for him at work.

My voice cracks with emotion when I try to reply. “J-Justin. Hi! I’m so glad I caught you. I’ve been missing you.” Another knot twists in my throat, and I have to press my lips together or else give in to it. He hates it when I cry.

“Oh come on, Liv. It’s only been a couple weeks. Haven’t you been having a good time?”

“Yes, but I still miss you.”

There’s a long pause. It’s so long I lift the phone from my ear to check that reception hasn’t cut out.

Justin clears his throat. “Listen, Liv. We probably need to talk. I was gonna wait until you got back, but maybe now is a good time after all.”

Oh god. Do we ever! I don’t think I’ll get another wink of sleep until I’ve confessed to him. Suddenly I can’t wait another moment. Whatever he has to tell me, it couldn’t possibly be as bad. “There’s something I have to tell you,” I say suddenly.

“Oh?”

“You’re gonna be mad. I know you will. I just need you to know that I love you, OK?”

“Liv—”

I can’t let him stop me now, so I blunder on, afraid to stop. “I kissed someone else!”

There’s another horrible pause and my heart thunders in my chest so violently I’m sure I can hear it.

“You what?”

I take a deep breath and try to be coherent. “I was upset. I just miss you. I was drinking and I wasn’t myself. There’s really no excuse, I know. But we kissed and he um… he touched me.”

I expect anger. Disgust. I’m disgusted with myself.

What I don’t expect is what comes out of his mouth. “Well, shit. I never thought you’d do something like that, but I’ve gotta say I’m relieved.”

I blink. “You are?”

“Sure. I think it makes this whole conversation easier for both of us.”

“It does?”

“Here’s the thing. We’ve both been busy lately, and I guess we’ve grown apart a little. Truth be told, there’s someone else. I wasn’t going to say anything about that, only it seems like we’re both on the same page.”

“We are?” I can’t seem to stop stupidly repeating back what he says without really processing what’s happening here. What is this? Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

“Yeah. I mean. I’m glad we can still be friends. We’ve known each other a long time after all.”

My mouth falls open, but try as I might, I can’t make any words come out.

“Listen, you don’t know how relieved I am that this doesn’t have to be awkward. I was so worried,” Justin continues. “I just have to follow my heart, you know? And you should follow yours. You know I only want the best for you.”

I don’t think his tone would be quite so breezy if he could see my face right now.

“Listen, I’ve gotta go, but maybe we can talk some more about this later on, OK? I’d like you to meet Rechelle. I think you two would really get along great.”

Rechelle? As in Rechelle Oaks, the one all the gossip sites have been speculating about for months?

Heat rises up my throat until sweat prickles the back of my neck. “Justin, what are you talking about? I was calling to confess. To apologize. Because I thought you’d care. I didn’t expect you to turn around and rub your own cheating in my face.”

“Babe, what’s the point in getting wound up about things now? We’ve both done things we’re not proud of.”

I grit my teeth around a particularly ugly insult. He’s not wrong. Why does it seem like only one of us is actually sorry about it? “So that’s it? You don’t want to try to work things out?”

“Liv, I think we can both admit we’ll be happier this way.”

I swallow all the things I wanted to say. The part where I tell him I still love him. That I never stopped thinking about him. What good would it do?

He clearly doesn’t feel the same way.

I wonder how I could have been so blind.

“Justin?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How long have you and Rechelle…?”

“Oh um… well I was going to tell you. I guess it’s been about six months.”

Six months!

All the time we were planning our trip and shopping for houses. How could he have done this to me? The nausea rises in my belly again.

I have to end the call then. I can’t even say goodbye. I drop it on the bed and race to the bathroom to stand bent over the toilet for a long few minutes, bile bitter in my throat. But the vomit won’t come out. Nor will any more tears.

When I stand and wash my face and stare into my reflection, my eyes are red and my skin is pale. But my cheeks are dry.

At least now my conscience is clear.

The little niggling feeling of guilt is lessened, but something is still eating away like acid at the bottom of my stomach.

The memory of Noah’s horrified expression last night flashes in my mind’s eye.

I still have to make that right somehow.

So that’s why, at five twenty in the morning, I open up my laptop and begin typing the review.

After a few lines, I get up and dig through my handbag to find the notes I made. And by the time the sun is shining through the window of my room in the bed and breakfast, I’m already editing the video.

I’d normally start a story with a little clip from my table at the restaurant. But I didn’t film one last night, since I wasn’t expecting to post. Luckily I did take pictures of all my courses. So once I’ve filmed me talking, I can edit them in to show each one and the elegant way they were plated.

Just looking at them all makes my stomach rumble, and I remember I’ve been up for hours and have had no breakfast.

I push the feeling aside and keep working.

Normal me would never skip a meal. No one needs to see me when I’m hangry!

But there’s a good reason today. This video needs to be perfect.

It’s the least I can do after putting Noah in a situation that clearly made him uncomfortable and after all the care he took to cheer me up and to prepare a beautiful meal for me.

It’s not only that. The place truly deserves recognition. It would be a crime not to let everyone know about The Snapper.

When I’m satisfied that it’s done, I publish right away and close the app.

There’s still one more thing I need to do before I can stomach eating today.