Page 31

It’s been five days since Mali found out Zach was leaving. Five days of small talk, lingering looks in the office, smiles across the hallway. She’s losing her fucking mind. It’s what he asked for, and she has to try and give it to him, but every second that she’s not with him seems like a monumental failure. She sits on the couch looking at places to rent in Scotland because she knows Zach hasn’t started. He’s still in his delusion, and she’s terrified.

Mali has spreadsheets for everything. Train routes from her to him in case his car breaks down. Last year’s Dougals’ schedule so she can figure out when he might be on his off season. Dates she can visit him planned out for the entire year. There’s no doubt in her mind that Zach is the love of her life. She wants to keep him. She doesn’t want him to disappear over a few hundred miles. He means more to her than that. Lately, when she lies wide awake in her room, alone, she wonders if she should tell him that. That she’ll be here, that she loves him, that distance means nothing to her if she gets to be the one to have his children.

Sometimes, she thinks maybe she’s in it on her own. It’s been a few months and one night together, but then she sees the way he looks at her, and she’s so sure he loves her back. There’s nothing terrifying about telling him, because she thinks he won’t say it back. She’s just not sure he knows how to let himself be happy.

Then, because she’s been thinking about him too hard, he knocks on the living room door. It’s open, and just last week, he would have strolled in with a cup of tea and sat on her feet. He would have kissed her forehead and stolen her cat and made her laugh because he liked the sound. Now, he’s like a stranger she knows everything about.

“Hey, bro,” she says, and he laughs.

“Can I sit for a sec?”

“Yeah, of course you can,” she replies. She wants to tell him casual doesn’t mean not talking at all, but every time he looks at her, he looks like he might break down. He’s already battling with relocating his mum or leaving her here; the betrayal of his brother; moving to a town where he knows no one. He doesn’t need to deal with her too. But she’s not sure how they’ll survive him moving like this. There’s no lingering glances from hundreds of miles away. It’ll be one too many missed phone calls, and then he’ll be gone.

“So I went to therapy,” he says, walking into the room.

“You did?” she asks, sitting up slightly.

“I did, and I just want you to know that I’m—well, I’m trying not to make any of this worse for you, and I know it’s too little, too late…” He huffs as he sits opposite her on the couch, his thighs nowhere near her feet. “I guess I’m saying that I know we’re supposed to be being brave,” he says, looking down again.

She sees his phone, and she hopes she loves him for all her life. “Did you write it down?”

He looks up at her. “Yeah.”

She smiles at him, and the thought that he won’t be here next week aches in her chest. There will be no humming in the shower. Buffy will wait on the windowsill for him, and he won’t be there.

Zach takes a deep breath. “I know we’re supposed to be looking at this positively, but I miss you already. Like, I didn’t even know I could miss someone like this. I had no idea that everything could hurt this much, and you’re expected to just keep breathing. Fucking joke,” he says, with a small smile. “I’m not great with words, and it felt cheap to google it, but I miss you. That’s all.”

Mali smiles, but she’s not sure how happy she looks.

“You don’t need to write things down,” she says, “and you don’t need Google. I liked you before I knew you.” Zach looks at her, his eyes flicking over her face before he stands up. He clears his throat, rubbing his hands against his thighs.

“I just wanted you to know that. I’ve got some things to sort out upstairs,” he says, then, “I wanna finish as much of the house as I can before Scotland steals my soul.”

“Scotland is going to be great,” she replies, looking up at him. Then, because she’s being brave, she adds, “and I’ll miss you the entire time.”

Zach takes a deep breath, smiles, then leaves.

Mali doesn’t cry, but not because she doesn’t need to. Just because she doesn’t want him to hear her. She’s been saving it for her showers. She knows he can hear her in her room now, and she sleeps with the door open because it feels like he’s there with her. The other night, he called her name at three a.m., and then scoffed because she answered. He told her how his day was, as if them not being able to see each other means they’re still being casual. As if the way she thinks about him is casual.

But if she sits here, listening to him create her perfect home, knowing he won’t be here, she’ll break down. So, she makes a tea. Everything is better with a cup of tea. Making a tea for Zach as well has become muscle memory, and Mali wonders if she’ll crack in half when she makes him one next week and he never drinks it.

Mali should leave the house. Fresh air always makes her feel somewhat better. It’s almost sunset, and she could sit at the riverside and contemplate jumping in. It’s a slow-flowing river, so she wouldn’t die or anything, but it might make her feel something other than utter despair. She sighs. It’s a weird feeling, knowing she wants Zach to get everything he can from Scotland and still wanting him to run back. She takes a deep breath, walks up the stairs, and before she knows it, she’s standing outside his room. Mali’s not even sure she was supposed to turn up here.

“You bought a chest of drawers,” she says, leaning against his doorframe. His door has been wide open all week, and she’s glad, because it’s the only time she’s seen him.

He looks up at her from where he’s crouched around a lamp. She’s not sure why he hasn’t put the big light on, but he looks so young, all bent in half. She can imagine him as a kid, playing with his action men under his duvet when he was supposed to have his lights out. She wonders what he’d have turned out like if he’d had the protection he deserved when he was younger. If his father had stayed and he didn’t have to spend his time worrying about his brother. He managed to turn into the best person she knows, and he had so many hurdles.

He smiles at her. “Yeah, and a wardrobe. Theodore gave me homework.”

Mali frowns. “Who’s that?”

“Doctor Teddy, the therapist to end all therapists,” he says, with a light laugh. He went and he listened. She might cry. She bites on her lip instead. “Do you like them?” he asks.

Mali steps in, taking a closer look at the images on the boxes. The chest of drawers is in pieces right now. “I do.”

He was going to stay. Zach hasn’t unpacked properly—his clothes still sit in boxes or in her room for the ones she’s pilfered—but he was going to stay. He was finally admitting to himself that he was going to stay here with her, and now they don’t have a choice. Is it selfish to tell him now how she wants to be with him? Will it hurt him too much to know that she’s here?

Zach says, “They’re like, literally so modern with traditional vibes, right?”

Mali laughs. “Did you google that?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you need help?” He looks at her hands, and she remembers the mugs of tea. “Oh, here.”

“Thanks, ba—bro,” he says, and she laughs like she did the first time he said it. He’s trying so hard. “But I don’t need help. We all remember the spice-rack incident.”

“Oh my God,” she groans. Mali forgot to tighten the screws, and three (very small!) spice pots fell over and almost touched his foot. “It wasn’t that bad!”

“I almost died.”

“It was a couple screws!”

Zach pouts at her, and she sighs. If he doesn’t need her help, is she allowed to stay? It’s possible the rules in her head are just that. They decided to be friends only, and that was fine because he’s her best friend. But now she knows what the weight of his hands feel like against her back, and how his tongue feels in her mouth, and now she’s not sure how she’s supposed to pretend she doesn’t want to be touching him all the time.

Mali doesn’t know if she wants to move to Scotland. She’s not even sure she’s allowed to think about it, because he hasn’t asked her to go with him. Maybe he knows it would be a difficult decision to make. Not because of him. She loves him, and she’s certain she’ll love him for the rest of her life. But she bought a house here. She has a job she loves here. Her family are here. And there’s a chance the Dougals might not work out. Maybe he’ll get moved again; maybe he’ll come back. All she really knows is that she wants to be with him regardless.

“Wanna go for a walk?” she asks. “We can pour these into flasks.”

He drops the Allen key. “Yes.”

Mali changes into her leggings and fluffy socks before her tea has had a moment to cool down. When she gets to the hallway, Zach has the flasks and is wrapping something around his waist.

“What’s that?” she asks. His stomach is so unfairly sexy. Prick. Zach laughs, and Mali wants to bottle the sound. When he’s clipped it in place, she’s still confused until he whistles, and Buffy comes running. He clips the end of the now obvious lead to Buffy’s collar.

“Now he can come with us.”

She’s so stupidly in love with him. She might just tell him. There’s no way she wants him to leave having any doubts.

“Look how cute he is. I love him,” Zach says, with a seriousness that she’d think he was commenting on diplomatic issues and not her cat, who chews on his slippers.

“He’s ruining your shoes,” Mali replies. It’s pathetic, really, to be so jealous of a cat (her own cat, whom she loves with her entire heart) that she’ll willingly throw him under the bus just so Zach might acknowledge she’s also here. Instead, he moves his hands over Buffy’s cheeks, mumbling over and over again that he’s such a good boy.

“I love him anyway,” he sighs, then turns to look at her. “What is love if not seeing their flaws and continuing to love them with that knowledge rather than blind affection?”

Mali smiles. She wonders if Zach even has any flaws. He doesn’t leave enough milk to make a tea sometimes, and he puts his washing in the machine and doesn’t turn it on, and he’s made her think about him every second of the day since she met him. Are they flaws?

“Ready?” Zach asks.

She nods, and Zach locks the door behind them. It’s quiet for a while, and Mali takes a thousand photos of Buffy exploring the road. Mali can’t believe there was a time when she thought he was just a grumpy guy. Like he isn’t the type of person to realise Buffy might like the river, but that Mali freaks out when he goes running. Like he didn’t google cat leads. Like he doesn’t look so ridiculous with his large shoulders and a tiny cat lead wrapped around his stomach.

When they get to the trail along the river, Mali asks, “Do I get my cat back when you go?”

Zach pouts as he looks at the sky in thought. “We should ask Buffy who he wants to stay with.”

Mali laughs, her arm bumping against his. “But he’s a little traitor.” Her fingers linger against the back of his hand. It might be foolish, but there’s no part of her that wants to pretend to just be friends.

They walk along the riverside, their knuckles bumping every few steps, and Buffy stays close by. He keeps meowing like he’s the happiest he’s ever been, and Mali wonders if it’s cruel to not let him go with Zach. She’s just not sure she’ll survive losing them both.

Mali slows down to look at the different colours of the tree leaves instead of ahead, so she doesn’t realise when Zach stops walking. His phone is high, like maybe he was taking a photo of her. She bumps into him, but quickly takes a step back. He hasn’t touched her on purpose since they decided to be friends. It feels like she’s crawling through glass every time his fingers skip over her skin. Every time his arms hover, like hugging her just makes sense to him. Every time his eyes drop to her lips.

“Sorry,” she mumbles. Zach smiles, taking another photo of her. If she tells him she wants this to work, they could take photos together in Scotland. Prettier photos than this, probably.

“Let’s sit,” he says. Mali sits first, and Zach follows. He’s not close, though. They could get another, albeit small, person between them. Buffy wanders around the grass behind the bench.

Zach gets closer. When she looks at him, he’s already looking at her. He turns, resting his elbow on the back of the bench, his chin in his palm. Mali thinks about tracing down his neck with her finger. She clenches her hands instead.

“You’re my best friend,” he whispers.

Mali smiles, feeling the familiar burn at the back of her eyes. “You’re my best friend.”

“Fibber.”

“You’re my best friend, bro,” she says, her entire face twisting as the word comes out. Zach looks at her lips, but she doesn’t think it’s on purpose. He’s not taunting her; he’s not begging her to make a move. He’s just looking at her. He blinks, swallowing as he looks away. There’s a light blush on his cheeks.

“I miss you.”

“I’m right here,” Mali replies. “I’m always going to be right here.” He smiles, and she lets her knee rest against his thigh.

“I regret this week,” he says. Mali rubs her fingers against his jaw. He has stubble now. She wishes she was in a better space so she could give it the attention it deserves. “I should have spent every second with you. I dunno why I ever thought it would make it easier.”

“Zach,” she whispers. She didn’t need to call him; he was already looking at her. “I miss you as well.”

“Don’t tell me that,” he mutters, pressing his lips against her palm. “Tell me you can’t wait for me to leave.” Mali laughs, the tears falling from her eyes quicker than she can realise it’s happening. Zach wipes her cheek with his thumb.

“Distract me,” she says. “How was training?”

“Okay,” he replies, his voice as low as hers. “I think the team’s real solid.”

“Yeah,” she replies, and she rests her head against his shoulder. “They can showcase it at the Titanian Fun Day.”

“Are you going?” Zach asks, and she knows he leaves before it’s on. She’s already packing a bag, but she doesn’t think he is. “I thought you said Ezra and I were too annoying and you were bailing.”

Mali laughs. “You are so annoying.” She looks up at him because she thinks he might be smiling, and she smiles back when she sees she’s right. “I’ll be there. I need to decide what top to wear, and who else is going to send you all the photos?”

Zach hums, shuffling until his arm is around her shoulder. “What are your options?”

“I have an orange one or a green one.” She links her fingers with his, looking at the movement of the river. This water probably came from Scotland. If she thought about it, she could figure it out. There’s a chance it’ll end up there at some point. She wishes she were philosophical enough to figure out something to tell Zach. Something about it linking them together.

“If you wear the green one, you can match your wig.”

Her fingers trail across his stomach, up his chest. “God, you’re so right.” He laughs, pressing his lips to her fingers when they roam his face.

“The green one is Groundhogs. That would look cute with the hair, wouldn’t it?”

Zach looks down at her with a frown. “My old team?”

“Yeah. I told you I have a top from every team.”

“With my name?”

She hums again, her hand lightly against his throat. “I’ll always wear your name. I’ll even get a Dougals one, even though blue is not my colour.”

“You’re supposed to be telling me you hate me,” he whispers. He might be moving closer. “But I know it’s not true.”

“It’s not,” she replies.

Zach hums. “You know, I missed you so much this week that I recorded like a million voice notes pretending I was talking to you, like an absolute loser.”

Mali gasps, moving back a touch. “I need them immediately.”

He laughs, pressing his lips to her forehead. He looks at her for a moment, and she wonders if he knows what she’s thinking. Maybe he knows how terrifying it is to tell someone how you feel when they might turn you down. All she knows is that it’ll be worse not to try. Mali can heal from a broken heart, but she won’t get over him being a what-if.

“I love you,” she says. Simple. Open. Truthful. “You don’t have to say it back, I just have to say it to you while you’re here.” Her heart skips a beat as his jaw drops. She’s going to love him forever, and she’s not scared to admit it. “I just want you to know that I love you. Completely. I want to love you for the rest of my life.” Mali blinks as Zach links their fingers together.

“I love you,” he replies. He takes a deep breath, like he’s physically taking a weight of his shoulders. “Fuck, I wanted to tell you first.”

Mali smiles. “It’s not a competition.”

Zach laughs. “I’d win.”

“Did you not just hear me?” she asks with a frown, but it doesn’t last long.

“Yeah,” he replies. “But I write it on your skin whenever I touch you, and I think it every time you say anything, or look at me, or I’m thinking about you, so all the time.”

“All the time?” she asks.

He might be moving towards her again, or maybe she’s moving towards him. Maybe it’s the universe, she doesn’t know. All she knows is that her eyes are on his lips the entire way. When their lips touch, it feels like three years is nothing. His hand slides behind her neck, and it feels like they’re going to make it. His tongue touches hers, and she thinks Oban is just a town in Scotland, and her home is right here.

“Tell me now,” she mutters against his lips.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Her hands grasp the back of his neck, holding him closer. “Tell me again,” she whispers.

Zach ducks his head, his lips against her ear. Just for her. “I love you.”