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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Kade had never been less restful in his life.
He knew Theo felt the same. He had to. But he was pulling this stupid display of resting : unknotting Kade’s yarn for him, his vacant gaze on a David Attenborough documentary. All for Kade’s benefit, of course. Kade could see him twitching to do something useful , but he would keep unknotting yarn if he thought it made Kade feel better. They didn’t take care of themselves, but they always took care of each other.
Sparky headbutted Kade’s knee, whining curiously.
“I’m fine,” Kade assured her, tapping the fourth thermos of blood Theo had gotten for him since they got home. “I’m resting .”
“You’re pacing,” Theo said without looking up. “Sit down. I got your favorite knitting needles.”
Kade growled. It felt satisfying in a way it never did when he was alive, his vocal cords finally capable of the viciousness he had been aiming for all these years. He did it again, Sparky’s whining getting louder underneath it.
“We don’t know if it’ll happen tonight,” Theo reminded him. “They might just do another reconnaissance mission. See if they can find something.”
“Yeah, the last thing.” Kade stopped, digging his fingers through the holes he’d clawed in his jeans back in the woods. “I can’t believe you let them run off with that bag! When your enemies drag a mysterious bag out of the woods and you know they need two more things to complete their dark ritual, newsflash, you grab it off of them!”
“We were distracted,” Theo replied, voice tight.
Kade snapped his jaw shut. He could feel his fangs form around his tongue, which was ridiculous. There was no blood around, unless you counted Sparky, who had weird, sludgy blood that smelled bad. This wasn’t about hunger—that constant dull thud that never went away no matter how much Kade fed—this was just his monster coming out. He still couldn’t trigger his venom and he sucked at flying and he flew off the handle at the first drop of blood, and yet some parts of vampirism felt natural in a way very few things did. But natural the same way poison was natural. Recoiling from a punch. Blood flowing from a wound.
“Hey,” Theo said.
Kade blinked. Theo was standing closer all of a sudden, the yarn forgotten on the couch.
“Let’s try flying again,” Theo continued.
Kade sighed. They’d tried that once, their first sleepless night together.
“I never got more than an inch off the ground,” Kade said sourly, forcing his teeth blunt again. “Not exactly Peter-Panning it.”
“We can try again.” Theo took his hands, both safely gloved, and led him into the bedroom.
“Come on,” he said, closing the door so Sparky couldn’t follow. “Just focus.”
Kade didn’t want to focus. Kade wanted to bite something. He wanted to cry. He wanted to get wasted and get into a fight, a real one, bruises swelling and his mouth all cut up on the inside, stinging for days after. He wanted to kiss his goddamn boyfriend. But if he couldn’t take that, he’d take flying.
“Fine,” he muttered. “Remind me how to do it again? Oh, right. You just do it .”
“Look, I don’t know . You just…” Theo looked at the ceiling where he’d pinned Kade the first day of being dead. Effortless , he’d said . I didn’t even think about it .
“Your body gets lighter,” he said. “You feel…powerful. It tingles a little. Try closing your eyes.”
Kade glared. But his eyes drifted shut, his arms crossed firmly over his chest.
Theo tapped his elbows. “Might want to loosen up.”
“This is as loose as I get right now,” Kade snapped.
Silence. Kade squeezed his eyes shut, willing his eyes to get less watery. All that time watching Theo ignore him at school, wishing Theo would be sweet to him, and Kade was screwing it up. Why did he have to ruin everything? He had this one glimpse of happiness before everything came crashing down on him, and instead of enjoying it, he was dragging Theo through the mud with him. Destroying something good, like he always did.
Theo touched his shoulder with a gloved hand. The gentleness of it startled Kade, his eyes flying open.
“We’re having fun,” Theo said, like it was a decision they’d already agreed on. “Cool vampire powers. Right?”
“Right,” Kade said after a moment. He let out a breath, his shoulders forcibly deflating. “Light thoughts. Okay.”
Theo drifted into the air, tugging gently on Kade’s jaw.
“Come on,” he said. “Join me.”
Kade bit his lip, trying to squash the pitiful hope. He had grown up wishing for magic. For adventure and drama and fate. Now it had happened, and the story was proving darker than he’d hoped. He needed some light.
“Doing great,” Theo said.
“Shut up,” Kade told him. But it was tinged with longing. He needed this. He deserved this. For all that Theo complained about being a vampire, there were some good bits, and goddammit, Kade should get to have them too.
Theo opened his mouth, probably about to give another weak encouragement. Then he stopped.
Kade felt his feet lift off the carpet. His legs tingled with lightness, at the freedom from gravity. Slowly, haltingly, he rose in the air until he was face-to-face with Theo.
“Oh shit,” Kade whispered, suddenly aware of a gentle pressure on his head as his short hair skimmed the ceiling. “Oh man . Oh wow . I’m flying!”
“You’re flying,” Theo agreed.
They grinned at each other. This was what they’d both been hoping for when they talked about turning Kade: giddy excitement, the light in Kade’s eyes just as bright as when he was alive.
The tension drained out of Kade’s body with each passing second. He felt like he was full of bubbles, and also like he might cry. From gratitude this time, more than anything else. He didn’t get a lot, but he got to have this.
“Race you.” Kade took off across the room, pinwheeling his arms.
Theo laughed and followed. It was easy to catch up to Kade, who was moving through the air like this was a breaststroke competition.
“Hey, you,” Theo said, floating over him.
Kade grinned, turning in midair to face him. “You got me!”
“See? It’s like you always said.” Theo leaned in, flicking his hair into Kade’s face. “Being a vampire isn’t all doom and gloom. We get superspeed. Super strength. We get to fly. We get black blood, which is?—”
“Totally goth,” Kade finished. “Thank you. I—I really needed this.”
He thought about flying away. Keeping the chase going. But Theo was staring at him so softly, and Kade wanted a hundred impossible things and he couldn’t have any of them.
Except this.
He concentrated and floated up until Theo had no choice but to press himself into the ceiling. Their chests brushed.
“Careful,” Theo reminded him quietly.
“I know.” Kade curled his fingers into Theo’s belt loops. “I just…I want to pretend it worked. For a second.”
Theo nodded distractedly. His pupils were so big Kade could see himself in them.
Kade wet his lips. Surely now was the time to bring up the mortifying, no-touching sex ventures he’d been thinking about.
“Theo,” he whispered.
“Kade,” Theo replied.
Kade’s throat worked. He paused, letting himself imagine it. But his mind quickly turned to impossible things: the soft, giving plush of Theo’s lips. Running his bare hands through those curls, his broad shoulders. Touching him, truly touching him, no burns or goddamn gloves in the way.
“Kade,” Theo repeated. “What is it?”
Kade shook his head, his dead heart squeezed in his chest. All his giddy joy from before vanished, replaced with that same bitterness from before. He didn’t want to have sex with Theo if they both had to hold back. And what good was flying when he couldn’t have what he really wanted? When he’d probably ruin it if he had it? He wanted Theo to be sweet to him, and he was being an ass in return. He wanted to be a vampire, and it sucked— no pun intended. He wanted to be in a story, but he never specified the genre, and now it might kill him before he ever got to kiss his goddamn boyfriend.
“Shit,” he whispered.
Theo frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“I want a cigarette,” Kade blurted.
“Oh.” Theo blinked, his pupils returning to a manageable size. “Okay.”
Kade tried to fly back down. He lost it halfway through and landed on the ground with a hard thump.
“Whoa,” Theo said, landing gracefully next to him. “You okay?”
Kade didn’t reply. He marched to the nightstand and swiped a cigarette and the snake-flower lighter.
“I’ll get you more blood,” Theo tried.
Kade ignored him, flicking the lighter. It sputtered uselessly.
“One thing,” Kade muttered, shaking with the injustice of it all. “Just?—”
He cut himself off, swearing. Still sparks and no flame.
“Give me this one thing,” he growled, flicking it faster and faster. “Come on, let me have this one! Bloody! Thing !”
He flicked it hard. One last spark, the barest hint of flame before it sputtered out.
“We can refill it,” Theo started. “I can?—”
Kade threw the lighter. It smashed into the lamp, which lurched sideways and tipped the entirety of their nightstand onto the floor. His strawberry needle caddy pinged across the room; cigarettes rolled under the bed.
“SHIT,” Kade growled. The sound kept going, a wordless, guttural roar that made Sparky start scratching at the door. He launched himself at the bed, their useless bed that they used as a couch, and started ripping into it.
“Kade,” Theo said. “ Hey !”
Kade kept screaming, tearing the mattress apart. An inhuman, horrifying screech radiated from his throat. A few years ago, Kade would’ve been overjoyed to be able to make such a noise. He would’ve brought it out during homeroom, excited to watch his classmates duck and hide. Now it made him want to destroy everything in the room, especially the mirror.
He charged toward it, grabbing it off the dresser and throwing it into the wall. Glass rained over the floor, bouncing into corners.
“What the hell?” Theo yelled.
Kade ignored him. This felt good . This felt like doing something . He couldn’t help his friends and he couldn’t stop this prophecy but he could always, always destroy something.
Next was the sewing machine. The stupid machine he spent so much time slaving over, making his dumb little clothes like he actually had a future in fashion. Like he had a future, period . Kade sped toward it, reaching out?—
“Don’t you dare!” Theo grabbed Kade’s shoulders, holding him back. “Dude! You’re freaking Sparky out!”
Kade stopped, panting. Ribbons of bedsheets dangled from his claws; glass powdered his hair. Sparky was clawing in earnest now, barking loudly.
Theo picked up the sewing machine, eyeing Kade warily. Then he headed to the door and blocked the doorway before opening it. So Sparky wouldn’t come in and cut her paws, Kade realized as he watched Theo soothed her.
He looked around the ruined room, flooded with self-loathing. Ripping shit up, throwing things, screaming—who was he, his dad ? He’d always told himself he wouldn’t end up like him, and now Theo was petting Sparky and using that soft tone that Kade’s mum always used with him after his dad’s outbursts.
“Shit,” Kade said shakily. He bent down, kneeling in the glass and patches of shredded duvet to search for the lighter he polished every night, even when Theo teased him for it.
“I’ll clean this up,” he blurted. “I’ll—I’ll fix it. Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay,” Theo said after a second. He put the sewing machine down on the wrecked bed. He didn’t look scared, at least. Just worried. He crouched down, stroking Sparky absentmindedly.
“It’s under the bed,” Theo said.
Kade looked up. “What?”
“The lighter.” Theo pointed.
Kade bent down. Sure enough, there was his beloved lighter. Plus his strawberry needle caddy and a book he’d been missing for weeks.
“We’re going about this the wrong way,” Theo said as Kade retrieved the lighter. “We have to do something . We can’t just sit here or we’ll go crazy.”
“Now he says it,” Kade muttered. Then he winced. “I didn’t mean that. I just?—”
“It’s okay.” Theo stood, determined. “Want to go for a run suspiciously close to the Emmerson place?”
Kade opened his mouth to say yes.
Then he stopped.
Something was itching at the back of his head. Hard and pointed, like it wanted him to know. He had known, deep in a memory. He’d known it as he was dying, half in a dream. Then he’d forgotten it.
He took a deep breath, tasting fabric and glass and strange, charred florals.
“I think we need to go back to the flowers.”