Page 55 of Something Tangled Something True (Rosa Ranch #1)

Ryder shakes his head. “No, ma’am. I try not to cuss much, but what I will say is that Russ never deserved Lola.

I can’t say if it was money, or maybe his family, or if he was always a horrific person, but unlike him, I plan to put in ten times the effort I had the day before, every day, for the rest of our lives to make sure Lola is happy, cared for, and feels safe to pursue her passions the way she should have always felt comfortable to. ”

His words wrap around me like a heated blanket, soothing the sting of the memory of my ex and his unkind words.

“I truly believe that, Ryder. I think you being here at all is a testament to how dedicated you both are to making this marriage a success. Couples counseling gets a bad reputation. A lot of people seem to believe it’s only for relationships that aren’t doing well, but that isn’t the case.

Sure, that’s what a lot of the couples I work with are here for, but I think it can be used as a way to fill your toolbox. ”

Ryder and I give her a puzzled look, unsure of what she’s going on about now. She’s lost me with this particular metaphor.

“Essentially, my thought is that you, as a couple, have a toolbox when you enter a relationship, and it starts out empty. Therapy is just another tool, and working through therapy provides you with more of them. You could end today with a more solid foundation for communication, but next week, maybe you add a coping mechanism for when one of you has had a hard day and doesn’t want to talk about it.

These are all tools you add to your toolbox for when you need them. ”

Ryder looks at me and then returns his gaze to Talia. “Like having a hammer? I only use it if I have something to hang or nail together, but I have it when I need it.”

He’s adorable for trying, and Talia lights up at his explanation.

“Exactly like that! Great, so you get the concept, but Ryder, could you dig deeper into your relationship with your ex-wife? It sounded like you and Lola both have quite a bit of animosity toward her, which I found very interesting. I think it could be cathartic to get some of it out, but if you don’t agree, we can circle back to this another time. ”

“I’d actually really like to discuss Lemmon if Ry is okay with it too,” I answer openly.

It’s actually laughable to think of a scenario where the roles are reversed and Russ is the one sitting beside me right now.

He thought it was a weakness to discuss our relationship problems with other people and would have laughed in my face at the prospect.

And that is precisely how I know I’m in the right place, with the right person.

“Of course, Lols. I’m okay with it too. Do you mind if I go first?” he asks.

I shake my head. “Not at all.”

He starts by talking about the early years of our childhood, how Lemmon was always really sweet to him.

Because I was too embarrassed to tell him how she treated me, he didn’t know until I was already gone and he was married to the monster.

“Things weren’t natural with Lemmon the way they had been with Lola, but I hadn’t dated anyone other than her and Lola, so I wasn’t sure what it should feel like.

And then, when my best friend died shortly before my college graduation, I’d been desperate to keep Lola unscathed from the depression trying to eat me up.

I didn’t want to derail her plans by needing her too much, and Lemmon was a familiar face from our same small town.

” He continues explaining all the things we’ve already discussed, things I’ve finally gotten clarity on and had the time to forgive us both for the way we’d handled things in our past. “I carry a lot of guilt over the fact that I think, deep down, I’d stayed with Lemmon to keep from chasing after Lola.

The thought makes me worry I’m not the man I’d thought I was. ”

“Is it okay if I ask him a question? Is that appropriate in couples therapy?” I ask, mind reeling.

“Yes, Lola, of course. Ryder can choose not to answer them, but you are free to ask.”

“Okay, well…” I chew on my bottom lip. “Do you think I’m terrible for staying with Russ even after I tried to leave?”

Ryder’s brows climb high on his forehead, and he looks like I’ve just struck him. “What? Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“Because you just explained your guilt surrounding Lemmon. It’s the same thing, Ry. I want you to give yourself the same grace you give me.”

“Lola, I appreciate that, but I stayed in that relationship with the knowledge I was using her to keep me grounded.” His words are rough, and it’s hard to listen to him speak so poorly about himself.

“Did you really though? Was it a conscious decision, or have you come to realize that those were your subconscious thoughts all these years later?”

He scratches the nape of his neck, drawing his dark brows together as he sits in silence, mulling over my words. “It was a subconscious decision I’ve come to realize in the last two or three years as I finally learned how to effectively grieve Logan’s death.”

“So what I’m hearing is, you were dealing with the death of your childhood best friend, a sudden death you weren’t equipped to handle, and after years of being in an unfulfilling relationship with someone who didn’t make you happy but you didn’t outright hate, you learned how to grieve Logan’s death.

With that, you came to recognize the true reasons you stayed with Lemmon, and then you ended the relationship. Is that accurate?”

He stares at me for so long I worry I’ve said too much or picked things apart in a way that isn’t accurate and managed to offend him, but he breaks the silence with a quivering lip and a single tear.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone more than I do in this moment.

This level of vulnerability feels like he’s stripping himself bare for me, trusting I won’t do anything to hurt him. It’s such an incredible honor.

“That sounds right,” he finally manages to say, choking out the words.

“I didn’t go to therapy, but I started reading a bunch of self-help books, namely ones revolving around grief and childhood trauma.

I didn’t think I had childhood trauma because my parents have always been supportive of me and given me everything I’ve ever needed to thrive, but the more I read those ‘grieving loss at an early age’ books, the more I realized trauma comes in so many forms. It was unfair to myself not to recognize it for what it truly was: a traumatic experience in my young adulthood.

I might not have been a child, but I was too young to deal with it alone. ”

“On your questionnaire,” Talia speaks up, reminding me she’s here, “you had mentioned that Lemmon was not supportive of these books and often weaponized Lola. What does that mean?”

Shock ricochets through me at her words, causing me to recoil in my seat.

“Lemmon often belittled me for reading them, suggesting I wasn’t a ‘real man’ because if I was, I’d have gotten over his death more quickly.”

I scoff. “As if grief has anything to do with how manly you are.” I’d love to give that uppity bitch a piece of my mind.

“I know she was wrong, Lols, but her words wore me down. Eventually, when she saw how withdrawn I was, she started to use you as a weapon. She’d tell me if I wanted someone to treat me like a child instead of a grown man, I should have continued to follow you around like a puppy dog.

She’d say I’m not a man at all, that I’m definitely not man enough for her.

She made sure to tear me down at every turn and would yell at me about how she should’ve been smart like you and left when she had the chance.

When I tried to leave her time and time again, though, she'd change her tune and make me feel like the villain in my own story.”

My heart sinks. “Ry, I never wanted to leave you. I just wanted you to feel comfortable confiding in me, and I understand why you hadn’t then, but it didn’t make it hurt any less that you’d chosen to share with her, of all people.

I don’t blame you for any of it. We were so young,” I tell him, holding his hands a little tighter and pressing a kiss to each of his knuckles.

He smiles, and it cracks my heart in two in the best way, exploding with the love and admiration I can see and feel pouring off him.

“And Lola, do you want to share why you resent Lemmon?”

I let out a huff, not sure I should speak about her at all with how badly she made Ryder feel. I don’t want him to struggle any more than he already does, but I know we’re sharing, and I think he’d rather I get this out than hold it in.

“Lemmon always acted like the sweet Southern belle when in the public eye, and she was kind to Ryder from what I could see growing up. When they got married, it seemed like an odd relationship, but I tried not to worry myself too much with it because he wasn’t mine anymore?—”

“I’ve always been yours, Lola,” Ryder interjects, and I can’t help but roll my eyes at him.

“Okay, Ry, not the point,” I say with a laugh, moving on.

“I pretended it didn’t bother me as much as it did, but Lemmon was always downright cruel from the very first day I met her.

She’d kick dirt at me, push me into puddles of water, or trip me in mud.

She’d call me names but say it in that sickeningly sweet way of hers that made me feel like she thought I was stupid and wouldn’t notice.

And as we got older and she became more and more jealous of my relationship with Ryder, she’d make threats about having her daddy get me kicked out of school.

It was one thing after another with her, and I was exhausted, so when I found him confiding in her in the way I’d been desperate for him to after Logan’s death, it felt like she’d finally won. ”

“And you resent her for her actions during your formative years?”

“I don’t resent her for that, no. I feel pity for her because her father was kind but not around enough, and it’s no secret her mother left when she was five.

I think she had her sights set on Ryder, and I was in the way of that, so she bullied me, hoping she wouldn’t feel so small anymore.

What I resent her for is hurting him when she finally got him.

” I look up to find Ryder already staring at me with tear-filled eyes, and it’s like a punch to the gut.

I love him, painfully so, and I hate Lemmon more with each passing moment.

“Every time I came home to visit, she made a point of running into me for that reason alone, and my visits home became fewer and farther between as a result. I resent her for conditioning me to believe this place was no longer my home, for making the most incredible man I know feel like he’s less than amazing. ”

“It sounds like you’ve both experienced some very difficult things in your formative years, and while you might have some regrets about how you went about things, I get the sense you’re both well on your way to working through those struggles and doing that together. ”

“I appreciate you suggesting this today, Talia. I think we would have gotten here on our own eventually, but having your guidance has been really helpful. If Lola is okay with it, and if you have time in your schedule for us, I’d really like to have these sessions periodically,” Ryder tells us.

“I think so too. I’ve always felt safe with you, and I know I can tell you anything, but therapy has been great at pulling things out of me that I hadn’t noticed I was bottling up at all.

” I aim my words at Ryder so he can feel my sincerity and heal from that too.

I never want him to think I don’t trust him implicitly.

“I’d love to have you both work with me.

I appreciate the time you took to really dig into your pasts.

Do Thursday evenings work for you both? Eventually, I’m sure you’ll get to a place where you’ll want to see me less frequently, but I still suggest checking in every few months once you’re in a good spot so you can refresh the tools,” she says.

“That sounds good to me.”

We end the call after a few more minutes of working out logistics, and Ryder puts my computer away, pulling me into his lap to nuzzle against my neck.

“Do you ever feel guilty for leaving Lemmon?”

He kisses the side of my neck and pulls away to meet my gaze. “I don’t. I feel guilty for other reasons though.”

“Like what?”

“For not leaving sooner when I realized we were doomed. For not chasing after you. For missing out on years of loving you the way you deserve. For not feeling guilty about leaving Lemmon.”

I cup his cheeks, his stubble scraping my smooth palms. “You can’t change the past, Ry.

She was manipulating you, and if you tried to chase me, I would probably have kept on running.

We were so young, we can’t say what we would have done because we don’t know.

Who’s to say we would have been capable of loving each other the way we deserve?

Neither of us knew any better, and I think it took years of being unhappy in other relationships for either of us to truly grapple with an understanding of what we wanted. You don’t know what you don’t know.”

He places his hands over mine, warming my chilled skin. This feels right. Everything about this moment feels so uniquely us. Opening up, sharing our fears, not hiding from our pasts.

“Besides, the only thing keeping me from diving headfirst into this fake marriage is the guilt I’ve felt for leaving Russ, running straight into your arms, and not looking back. I haven’t missed him for a single second, and I feel guilty about that too.”

“Let’s make a promise then, darlin’.”

I quirk a brow. “What kind of promise?”

“I promise to not allow guilt to keep me from the things I love and want most if you won’t.” His voice rings with such finality I find myself nodding along with him.

“Okay. Pinky promise,” I say, dropping my palms from his face as he does the same. I hold out my pinky, and he grabs onto it with his.

“I, Ryder Maddox Lockhart, promise to never let the guilt of the past keep me from the beauty of the future,” he says.

“And I, Lola Lima, promise to remind myself there’s nothing to feel guilty for in the first place, and to instead allow myself the joy and love of those willing to offer it.” His smile matches mine, and it sends a beam of light straight through to my soul.

“Good. Then you shouldn’t have any problems letting your husband be big spoon tonight, right?” he asks, standing from the couch with me in his grasp, pulling me against his body. He carries us to bed, tickling me as he does. Nugget follows behind us, barking at my laughter.

Allowing myself to be loved feels so much better than I could have imagined.