Page 42 of Slow Burn

‘I’m fine, honestly,’ I said, grappling around for a tissue.

I blew my nose, taking some deep, scratchy breaths, letting air file out of pursed lips.

Why did I feel so emotional at the mention of Gabriele’s name?

Sure, it was horribly sad what he was going through, but it wasn’t like I’d known his dad.

It wasn’t the kind of thing that would usually reduce me to tears.

‘Talk to us, Li,’ said Nolo, her voice softening into a tone I’d literally never heard her use before.

Lulled into a sense of being able to lean on someone in my family for support, I thought I may as well tell them everything.

‘Gabriele and I have become… close,’ I said.

‘You’ve shagged him. I knew it,’ said Sedi, triumphantly.

‘Really?’ said Nolo. ‘How did you know?’ she asked Sedi.

‘Well, have you seen him? He’s gorgeous. It was obvious. Plus, the press can’t stop raving about the chemistry they have on stage. You can’t fabricate that stuff, not when it’s powerful enough to translate to seasoned audience members and jaded reviewers.’

‘Good point,’ said Nolo.

‘How close are we talking?’ asked Sedi, who was simultaneously plaiting her hair, so that eventually it would hang in two cute braids on either side of her head.

‘Nothing serious,’ I said, although it felt serious, but I thought that said more about me than the reality of the situation. ‘I’ve spent a few nights in his hotel room, we’ve been on a sort-of date in Lisbon, and yes, we’ve slept together and it was… kind of out of this world.’

Nolo gasped, as if she’d never considered that I might be capable of having wild, passionate sex with anyone .

‘I’m insanely jealous,’ she said.

‘He does look like he’d be amazing in bed,’ reasoned Sedi.

‘So how did it happen?’ asked Nolo. ‘Was it one night after rehearsals?’

‘Oh my God!’ said Sedi, suddenly remembering something. ‘He was here that night, wasn’t he? When I turned up late, banging on the door, a bit drunk. I knew something was off! Your face was all flushed and the mirror was steamed up.’

‘Hmmm,’ I said. ‘That was kind of the beginning of it. Although not quite. It started when I was nineteen. At the World Championships. Remember “G”?’

Nolo’s mouth dropped open and I filled them in on everything that had happened since.

On how Gabriele had looked utterly shocked and pissed off when he saw me walk into the audition room all those years later.

How it had taken ages for the ice to melt between us, for us to even talk about what had happened before.

‘You need to be more open, Li,’ said Sedi. ‘We had no idea any of this was going on. You’re so closed off all the time!’

‘Good to know what you really think of me,’ I said, bristling.

I was only closed off because I didn’t think either of them were interested in hearing about my problems. They rarely asked me what was going on in my life because they were far too busy talking about theirs.

Sedi went through guys faster than the speed of light, and Nolo always seemed to have men fawning over her, hanging off her every word, but it was like she thought she was too good for any of them.

I’d always felt less-than in comparison – I was rarely asked out, and although I’d enjoyed spending time with Jack, it had been painfully obvious that it wasn’t likely to go anywhere.

‘But that still doesn’t explain why you’re crying,’ said Sedi, narrowing her eyes at me. ‘Are you in love with him or something?’

I swallowed hard, still feeling choked up. It must be some kind of misplaced empathy for Gabriele, I supposed, but I wasn’t going to be much help to him if I turned into a blubbering wreck every time I set eyes on his beautiful, mournful face.

‘I don’t know,’ I squeaked.

‘You are, and you have to tell him!’ shrieked Nolo. ‘Enough of this pretending not to like each other. You’re going to have to put yourself out there and explain how you feel, otherwise you’re risking losing him all over again.’

‘How can I? His dad’s just died! He’s hardly going to be up for embarking on some hot new romance, is he?’

That shut them up.

‘Fair enough, you might want to give him a bit of time to deal with that,’ admitted Sedi.

‘I do talk sense sometimes, you know,’ I said.

‘The fact that you’re extremely sensible has never been in doubt,’ said Nolo.

Perhaps it was that which gave me the strength to say what I said next; the idea that I had a reputation for being closed off and sensible. Who wanted that? It wasn’t exactly sexy, was it? And sure, I might be both of those things – at times – but it wasn’t all that I was.

‘So on another note, I’ve decided I don’t want to go back to running the studio full-time,’ I said, my throat feeling so tight I wondered if it was about to close up completely. At least that way I wouldn’t be able to speak at all; wouldn’t be able to say the wrong thing and cause a row.

‘Really?’ said Sedi, her expression darkening.

Nolo stared at me with her eyebrows raised so high they practically disappeared into her hairline.

‘Who’s going to run it, then?’ asked Nolo eventually, after an unbearably long and awkward silence.

I cleared my throat, keeping my cool to the best of my ability. ‘I haven’t had time to think it through properly yet. We need to have a family meeting at some point. I’ll arrange it with Mum and Dad and let you know.’

‘Maybe you should just chat to them about it first?’ suggested Sedi, who I could tell was desperate to check out and get off the call so that she could pretend that none of this had anything to do with her.

‘Are you worried they’re going to ask you to step in and cover some of my shifts?’ I asked, deciding directness was in order.

‘I’d never have time for that,’ said Sedi. ‘This time in two weeks I’ll be in Australia.’

‘Seriously, guys!’ I said, losing patience altogether.

‘I’ve taken this on without complaint for all these years.

I’ve given up on my own dreams to keep the family business afloat.

Sure, I could have said no, and that’s on me.

But you two could also have stepped up and offered to help me out.

Or even just asked me if I was okay; if I was happy doing what I was doing. Even that might have been nice!’

Nolo went to say something and then stopped.

She looked upset and I should feel bad, but I didn’t.

Welcome to the real world, I thought. Sure, she might be resilient when it came to her career, she had to be in the ballet world.

But when it came to life, to family, she was overly sensitive.

If there was even the tiniest hint that somebody was criticizing her, she’d crumble, leaving the other person feeling guilty for having said anything in the first place.

But I didn’t feel guilty, not this time.

Because she needed to hear it – in fact, she’d needed to hear it years ago.

‘I think you’re both quite selfish, if I’m honest,’ I said, thinking in for a penny, in for a pound.

‘We all have our faults, and so here I am pointing out one of yours – it’s time you two start thinking about somebody other than yourselves.

Because it might be cute when you’re in your twenties, you might just about get away with it then, but once you hit thirty, it’s really not a good look.

You have a responsibility to me, to this family, to Mum and Dad. ’

‘What about them?’ protested Sedi. ‘Why do they get to swan off and do whatever they like? Aren’t they selfish, too?’

‘Yes. And I’ll be telling them as much,’ I said, doubting it even as the words came out of my mouth. ‘Perhaps not in so many words. But yeah. It’s their studio, ultimately. I will officially hand my notice in and then we can take it from there.’

Sedi and Nolo stared at me in stunned silence. I bet they wished we were doing this in person so that they could join forces against the tyranny I was inflicting on them, look to each other for support, but on Zoom it was every woman for herself. You had no idea who was with you and who wasn’t.

‘I feel terrible,’ said Sedi eventually.

I frowned – this was a different emotion from her.

‘Go on,’ I said.

‘I can be a selfish prick at times, I’m well aware of that. You’re not the first person to say it,’ she said.

‘Obviously,’ I said. I couldn’t help myself.

‘And I’ve never given much thought to all the opportunities I had,’ said Nolo. ‘Coming to New York at such a young age. There’s just so much privilege in this industry, that you forget not everyone is as lucky as you are. Not everyone gets to do what I did.’

‘I didn’t,’ I said.

‘I know,’ said Nolo, grimacing. ‘And it’s shit, and I’m sorry.’

I nodded, tempted to let them off the hook, to say it didn’t matter, that I’d been fine, anyway, without their help.

But I held back. Because I wanted them to sit with this feeling, for it to really sink in.

I meant it this time when I said that things needed to change.

And I might not know what that looked like yet, but I would, at some point, and I was one hundred percent sure that it didn’t look like running straight back to Castlebury.