Page 36 of Slow Burn

I had been to Lisbon several times before, but had seemingly avoided most of the typically touristy things.

I had certainly never walked up to the Castelo de S?o Jorge.

I had noticed it from afar, its huge, fairytale-like structure towering over the higgledy-piggledy houses of the Alfama district, but I had never made the time to go up and see it properly.

It had been Lira who suggested we walk up here, the afternoon before our first show in the city. My instinct had been to say no. I did not know why at the time, but upon further analysis I realized it was because I was scared of what spending more time alone with her might mean for us.

Yesterday had been one of the most special times I had experienced on tour ever, which was worrying to say the least. Being alone with Lira in bed was one thing – sure, it was amazing, but I had amazing sex with lots of women – but wanting to go for long walks uphill in the sun and talk about things other than dance… that was not normal, not for me.

‘This area is gorgeous!’ enthused Lira, striding ahead, seemingly enthralled by the winding streets and the colourful tuk-tuks jostling for space, and the quaint little shops selling everything from bottles of port and custard tarts, to bath oils made with local herbs and flowers.

I watched her, smiling to myself. She looked lovely today, in a simple outfit of jeans and a T-shirt worn with flat sandals, her hair piled in a bun on her head.

I was in my trusty linen trousers again, which the hotel had kindly laundered for me after yesterday’s impromptu paddle.

‘I think the entrance is up here,’ she said, turning to me, her face sparkling with anticipation.

I nodded, following her, wondering for about the hundredth time whether this was a good idea.

I was already enjoying myself far too much, and could I really relax into it when I knew that it would be impossible for us to be together after the tour had finished?

Could I risk falling for her, knowing I was very likely to lose her all over again?

The castle was even more impressive close up. Its cobbled surroundings had a laid-back, chic atmosphere I had not expected. There were little huts selling food and wine, and I almost broke my no-drinking-before-a-performance rule and bought us both a glass of the local cherry liqueur, Ginja.

‘Don’t even think about it,’ warned Lira, who had seen me eyeing it up.

‘Spoilsport,’ I joked.

I grabbed us a cappuccino each instead and then joined Lira, who was leaning against the castle walls, taking in the view.

Below us, the rooftops of one of the oldest parts of the city tumbled down towards the Tagus, a sea of terracotta tiles and washing lines reaching from one apartment to another.

On the other side of the bay, green mountains loomed out of the water.

I breathed it all in, the scent of churros from a stall behind me wafting into my nostrils, a soft breeze licking the back of my neck, Lira’s arm pressing tantalizingly against mine.

It could not have been more perfect if it had tried.

‘I never knew Portugal was so beautiful,’ said Lira. ‘And then we went to Porto and, obviously, it was absolutely stunning, and now this. My mind is blown!’

‘You have caught the travel bug,’ I declared.

‘Why the hell haven’t I put myself out there and explored the world properly before?’ she said, impassioned, suddenly.

‘You still have time to do all of those things, Lira. There is no rush,’ I reassured her.

‘I do, don’t I? I don’t have to go back to my hotel and book myself a flight to New Zealand or anything like that. All in good time.’

I glanced across at her. God, her skin was perfect.

I wanted to run my thumb across her cheek right now, pull her into me, kiss her hard on that plump, pink mouth, but I owed it to Lira to have my head straight before I started promising her things I might not be able to come good on.

And, of course, there was the fact I didn’t know for sure what she wanted.

I felt something when she looked at me – it seemed like she liked me for who I really was, bad bits and all – but until we actually had that conversation, there was a chance that this closeness between us could all be in my head.

‘Why do I want to kiss you every time I look at you?’ she said, suddenly.

I laughed, my breath catching in my throat. She did feel the same way. I watched a blush creep into her cheeks and, without overthinking it, I put my hands on her face, pulling her close.

‘I like hearing you say that,’ I whispered.

‘What exactly is it that you want from me?’ she asked. ‘Because it’s really difficult to tell what you’re thinking; whether the feelings I have when I’m with you are reciprocated or not. Whether you have this kind of connection with everyone.’

‘Everyone?’

‘Other women. Daniella, for example.’

It took all of my strength not to pull away, because that was what I always did when I came up against something that felt difficult emotionally; when something required me to dig deep, to make myself vulnerable.

Of course I wanted to dodge her question, to shut it down.

Tough question? Ignore it. Hope it went away.

Although they never did, of course. Everything caught up with you in the end.

‘You know my history with Daniella. And it is not like it is between us.’

‘She said something happened recently. Since, you know… we’ve been spending time together,’ said Lira.

She was the one to pull away from me this time, looking out over the castle’s walls at the city below.

I wanted to touch her again. It felt easier to be honest when I was, but I could see that she was grappling with something, too, and if she needed space, I would give it to her.

I wondered whether Daniella was purposely trying to cause trouble, perhaps realizing that what I felt for Lira was special, because if I could feel it so strongly, I was sure that other people must be able to see it, too.

‘Anyway, we can both sleep with whoever we like, right?’ she said.

‘Can we?’ I replied, hating the idea of her being with somebody other than me, although of course I had no right to feel this way. ‘And just so you know, there has been nothing with Daniella for a long while.’

Lira took a moment, seemingly taking it all in. ‘She said you’re incapable of having an actual relationship. That you have a list of women you call whenever you’re in the mood for sex.’

I rubbed at my brow, realizing how bad that must sound. And, honestly, it felt bad, too, and quite often I had gone to delete every single contact in my phone so that I would not be tempted to reach for them whenever I felt lonely.

‘I am not quite as callous as that makes me sound,’ I said, feeling ashamed that this was how people saw me.

How did Daniella even know? Had she been through my phone?

‘Lately, I have not enjoyed meeting women just for that. It feels… pointless. We both know nothing is ever going to come of it, other than the obvious. And afterwards, when they leave, I don’t feel all that great. ’

‘Not great how?’

‘Alone. Like my life is one big, gaping hole of nothingness.’

Lira looked as though this was not what she had expected me to say.

I had never admitted how lonely I felt to anyone, ever.

I had never told a single person that the only time I felt truly happy was when I was on stage performing.

And how sad it was that my happiness was entirely tied up with my role as a dancer.

That my job – one of the most insecure, fragile, volatile careers you could choose – was the only good thing I had going for me.

‘Then why have you never been in a relationship? And I’m not sure I can really talk here, because I haven’t either. And I get it – I get what you mean about feeling alone. I feel the same way, even if I don’t have a huge list of men to contact when I feel like having some company,’ said Lira.

‘No?’

‘Well, I do have one person. Jack. My personal trainer.’

I felt a shot of jealousy, which I had no right to feel.

‘Classic,’ I said, trying to laugh it off.

‘I’m nothing if not a cliché,’ she said, half-smiling.

I relaxed a little. We were talking about us, about feelings, sex, love, and sure, it was a little awkward, but it was definitely not unbearable. And now Lira had started talking, it was like she could not seem to stop, which gave me a small reprieve from having to say more. One step at a time.

‘Maybe we’re both too scared to actually feel something for somebody,’ said Lira, slowly, as though she was choosing her words carefully.

‘To risk getting hurt. I can only speak for myself, but I like to be in control of my emotions. My whole life, really. I like to know that I’m good at something, and to feel safe and secure in what I’m doing.

But then Carlos came along, and the show and you, and it shook everything up.

And now, I’m just not sure. Because nothing has ever felt as thrilling as these last few weeks on tour with you.

And how am I going to go back to my real life knowing how good this felt? ’

I cupped her face in my hands, needing her to know I understood, that I felt the same way. I did not want to go back to feeling alone any more than she did.

‘I have missed you, Lira,’ I said, resting my forehead against hers, closing my eyes because it felt easier to be truthful that way.

‘Over the last thirteen years, I have thought about you so often; about the night we shared. There was something about you leaving that tore my heart into pieces, and I can assure you that it was not just my ego taking a bashing, it was because I could not stand the thought of losing you when I had only just met you. Crazy, when you think about it. We were so young. It was one night. And yet, I can still remember every detail of it.’