Page 18 of Slow Burn

The day of our first performance had come all too soon.

My heart immediately felt as though it was stuck in my throat when I walked into the theatre to prepare for opening night and was directed to the backstage area and the dressing room I’d be sharing with the other girls.

Only Gabriele had his own dressing room, and so he should – he was the star of the show; it was his photo on the posters, it was his reputation at stake.

In some ways, I should feel much less pressured – I was an unknown in this industry and I had nothing to lose, because if things went badly, I could revert to running the studio.

Except, I would know how it had felt to dance like this again, and I suspected that going back to my own life would no longer be enough.

I took a moment to acknowledge the fact that, in a few short hours, I would be performing with a professional dance company in the heart of Theatreland, minutes from Covent Garden and in one of London’s beautiful old theatres, complete with sloping floors and ornate balconies and red velvet seats.

When I passed a door leading into the auditorium, I peeped inside, almost tearing up when I saw how magnificent the stage looked, with its red velvet drapes hanging dramatically to each side and the huge lighting rig suspended from the ceiling.

This morning we would be having a light check before taking a break and returning late afternoon for a warm-up.

I was confident in the work we’d done, but tonight’s performance would be a chance for Carlos and the producers to gauge how each dance – and the show as a whole – landed with the audience and make any necessary changes before the all-important press night.

The feeling of euphoria at the prospect of dancing in front of an audience again was quickly replaced by a sickening sense of fear. I didn’t feel ready, certainly not for my duets with Gabriele.

We’d simply run out of time and, although we hadn’t repeated the grinding on the mirror from a couple of nights ago, mixing business with pleasure was never a good idea, and we should have saved all of that sexual tension for the stage, not succumbed to it in one moment of madness.

Plus, he’d been cold with me since then, suggesting I’d thrown him out of the studio because I was embarrassed to be seen with him.

That was far from the case, as I’d tried to explain, but he hadn’t been interested in listening, choosing to brush me off instead.

And so here we were, even more awkward around each other than before.

I supposed the only saving grace was that it hadn’t gone much further than a – spectacularly exquisite – kiss.

Oh, and that Sedi seemingly had no idea that anyone – let alone him – had been with me that night.

I hadn’t lied to her exactly, but nor had I told the truth.

I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

As I walked down a corridor, a warren of carpets and doors that led to the dark, underground bowels of the theatre, the door to a dressing room flew open and Daniella appeared.

‘Oh. Hello,’ she said, as if she was surprised to see me. I had the same call time as her and the rest of the cast, so why was she pretending otherwise? Then her startled expression turned into something else – a smirk, perhaps; I wasn’t sure. ‘Gabriele’s in there if you’re looking for him.’

She pointed to his name on the door.

‘I’m not,’ I said, smiling tightly and carrying on.

I knew I had to talk to him sometime, but it didn’t have to be now. My head was full of nerves and the steps that, in a couple of hours, I would have to perform. I couldn’t allow anything to throw me even remotely off.

Annoyingly, because I wasn’t really in a chatty mood, Daniella fell into step beside me as I headed for the communal dressing room. I couldn’t hear any of the usual chatter from the other dancers, so we must be the first in.

‘What is it with you two?’ she asked. ‘You and Gabriele?’

I swallowed hard. How much did she know? Surely he hadn’t told her?

‘I’ve no idea what you mean, and honestly all I want to think about right now is the show,’ I said, trying not to sound defensive.

Apparently, Daniella was not to be deterred.

‘Because I hope you know how lucky you are to have been given this role. It’s unheard of for a dancer as inexperienced as you to be handed something like this on a plate.’

‘Of course I realize what an opportunity this is,’ I said, put out by her tone. What was she suggesting here?

‘As dance captain, I will be watching you closely, as I will every other member of the cast. And if you’re not on your absolute A-game every single night, we’re going to have a problem.’

Was she threatening me? I bet she’d love it if I messed up and had to be replaced by either her or one of her adoring hangers-on, a group that included Carlos’s stuck-up assistant Emily, and who seemed to be gossiping together – sometimes about me, no doubt – every time I looked at them.

‘Trust me, there won’t be a problem.’

Daniella looked at me sideways.

‘Some advice, for what it’s worth. Gabriele needs to be focused on the show, not on some new romance that probably won’t last more than five minutes, anyway.’

I shook my head, reminding myself to keep calm, that she probably had no idea what she was talking about and was fishing for clues.

Little did she know that romance wasn’t even an option – I was hardly going to make Gabriele fall madly in love with me, was I?

There was some unresolved lust between us, that was all.

And it wasn’t worth risking my reputation – or the wrath of Daniella.

‘There’s absolutely nothing happening between us,’ I lied.

Then I found a small section of the mirror that I could make my own and began to unpack my make-up from my bag, trying my best to ignore Daniella, who was still hovering next to me.

‘He doesn’t do relationships, anyway. You know that, don’t you?’ said Daniella, leaning her back against the mirror, refusing to go away.

‘Why would I care either way?’ I said, scraping my hair back into a bun.

‘There’s a spark between you, anyone can see that. But if you think it would ever be more than that, you’re mistaken. He’d never give you what you want.’

‘How would you know what I want?’ I asked, turning to her, wishing more than anything that she’d just leave me alone and go away.

She shrugged – she’d rattled me and she knew it.

‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ she said.

I tutted as she walked away, looking at myself in the mirror, knowing she had a point, even if I could have done without her rubbing it in.

Luca chose that moment to poke his head around the door.

‘Is it safe to come in?’ he asked, raising his eyebrows hopefully.

I smiled. ‘It’s only me in here, so sure.’

Luca scooted inside.

‘What did she want?’ he asked. Daniella had probably just flounced right past him.

‘Quizzing me about Gabriele. Warning me off him,’ I said.

Luca rolled his eyes. We’d developed a pretty close friendship considering we’d only known each other for three weeks.

He was Gabriele’s understudy, so we’d rehearsed the duets together as well as the group dances.

I loved Luca, but was it bad of me to hope that I’d never actually have to dance with him on stage?

He and I shared a laugh together, and we enjoyed bitching about how snippy some of the other dancers could be, but I knew we didn’t have a fraction of the chemistry on stage that Gabriele and I did.

‘She’s clearly in love with him,’ said Luca, flinging himself into a chair and watching me lay out my make-up and hair products for later. ‘And you’re making her insanely jealous.’

I laughed softly to myself. ‘I don’t think anyone’s ever been jealous of me in my life.’

‘Rubbish,’ said Luca. ‘You’re beautiful and you know it. And so does Gabriele.’

‘He doesn’t.’

‘Oh so that’s why he looks at you like he wants to rip your clothes off, is it?’

‘That’s hatred you’re picking up on, not desire.’

‘I know what I see,’ said Luca infuriatingly. ‘Come on, you can tell me, we’re friends now. You’ve slept together, right?’

I bit my lip. I desperately wanted to tell someone, to say the words out loud, to hear the opinion of another person instead of listening only to the relentlessly punishing voice in my head.

‘Ages ago. We were kids,’ I said.

There. It was out there now. I was almost too scared to look in the mirror because I would see Luca’s facial expression reflected back at me and I would be able to tell what he thought of it all. And Luca was the kind of guy who said it as it was.

‘Knew it! And there’s something more recent. Isn’t there?!’ he demanded to know.

‘No.’

‘Do not lie to me, Lira James. No couple has that much of a connection on stage without shagging, or at least wanting to.’

I sighed, checking over my shoulder. For all I knew, somebody could be skulking around outside, and if one of Daniella’s henchwomen overheard, the entire cast would know all there was to know about mine and Gabriele’s sex life – or lack thereof – within minutes.

‘Fine. We kissed. A few days ago.’

‘And now what?’

‘And now I’m trying not to do it again.’

Luca sat up straight in his chair. ‘What’s stopping you?’

I turned to face him. ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

‘Er, not really?’ said Luca, looking genuinely perplexed.

‘Daniella said we shouldn’t mix business with pleasure.’

‘Probably not, but everyone does. We’re dancers – who else are we going to meet if not each other? Also, I wouldn’t necessarily listen to anything Daniella has to say – she has an ulterior motive, as discussed.’

‘Also, Gabriele is hardly the relationship type. There’s no point in us having some casual fling that will only make things awkward afterwards.’

‘Has he actually said that’s all he wants?’ asked Luca.

He didn’t have to. It was obvious, wasn’t it? ‘Not in so many words.’

‘Well, I wouldn’t make assumptions, Lira. I don’t know him that well,’ said Luca, getting up to leave, ‘but he seems like a bit of a deep, sensitive soul to me. If he’s not into relationships, it’s probably because he hasn’t met the right person.’

‘Hmmm,’ I said.

‘Better go and get ready for the light check,’ said Luca. ‘But, Lira, maybe it’s worth taking a risk? What’s the worst that could happen if you let things take their natural course?’

I shuddered. ‘I dread to think.’

I watched Luca leave the dressing room and turned back to look at myself in the mirror.

Did he have a point? I’d never really thought of Gabriele being sensitive before, but what if underneath all of that confidence and bravado there was someone more vulnerable, someone who was just as scared of falling in love as I was?

I thought briefly of the moments after we’d slept together in Paris.

He’d fallen asleep with me tangled in his arms, and even as he’d drifted off, his breath slowing and softening, I remember noticing that he didn’t loosen his hold on me.

I’d never felt like that after sex before, so contented, so safe, so wanted .

He hadn’t seemed like a womanizer then, but he was only twenty-one; perhaps he’d grown into it.

In fact, if I thought about it, it had been me who’d set a precedent that this was simply a casual hook-up, not him.

I’d known we were only destined to be together for one night, or at least I thought I’d known, and as a result, there had been none of the usual will we or won’t we see each other again ? We wouldn’t, and that was that.

My flight had been at 6am that same morning, my taxi due to arrive at 3.

And so, an hour after watching him drift off, I gently removed myself from his arms and got dressed in the bathroom, throwing my remaining things into my suitcase and sneaking out of the room with only a very brief glance back at the beautiful man sleeping naked in the bed.

My life was going to be different from then on in, and it was pointless taking any of the old along with me.

It had felt like all or nothing. And in my case, seemingly, it had been nothing.