Understanding the Answer

Despite the night, Chiharu felt like the sun blasted her with a blinding beam of light. It didn’t make any sense to her. A glow seemed to be around Yumi that defied Chiharu’s mind. She saw a fragile and wavering strength that continued to be broken and rebuilt endlessly. Chiharu could see the old pieces of the foundation that failed to be reused as chunks in the new. It held countless pieces, always recycled. Nothing was ever wasted. ‘What is this answer?’

Chapter 137 – Understanding the Answer

‘Change herself?’ Yumi’s words ran through her mind repeatedly. She didn’t feel that the girl made any change, even if it was her desire. Everything she saw showed her to be weak and easily controlled by emotions. The only thing she found worth something was her determination, but even that seemed to falter at times. ‘She always backs down when the slightest thing fails on her. She starts out strong and then collapses under pressure. She can’t change. You are who you were when you’re born.’

The return of silence from Chiharu pulled in Yumi. It made her fear she said something wrong to Chiharu again. She always expected a quick answer from Chiharu. She never seemed to stutter in her response, but it happened before and again. Yumi leaned over to Chiharu hoping to get her attention. “Chiharu? Everything ok?”

Yumi’s voice roughly pierced through her thoughts and snapped her attention. Distracted in her words, Chiharu narrowed her glare for Yumi to push her back. “I’m fine. I’m just not satisfied with your answer.” She crossed her arms, locking herself back away from Yumi. The wall came up.

An awkward feeling filled the air around Yumi. She didn’t understand the sensation, but it made her pull away from Chiharu. The unease tried to drill into her stomach to ferment a sour liquid. Yumi fought to keep her nerves together. “W-Wh-what’s wrong with the answer?” Yumi pressed her hands together at her waist for comfort.

“It’s that.” Chiharu pointed at Yumi without actually moving her hands. It focused everything on her.

Startled a bit, Yumi pulled herself tighter. “W-what do you mean?”

“You’re weak. You collapsed too easily.”

“W-we’re all weak…”

Chiharu angled her head over to Yumi a little. “That’s not what I’m talking about.” She dug in her gaze. She planned to pull out the answer. The only option was to be ruthless.

Pressure from Chiharu didn’t help Yumi calm herself. She felt surrounded from all sides. Each direction had the eyes of Chiharu aimed at her. Yumi didn’t understand what she wanted anymore. She thought she gave her what she wanted. ‘I thought I was starting to understand her…but now…Chiharu’s so scary…’ Feelings and sensations no longer mattered. All it did was overload her. She had to find another way out. However, Chiharu didn’t look to be backing away from her. Yumi was out of answers.

“Already out of words?”

“But…I…”

“You’re already doing it.”

A wall stood before her blocking her path. Yumi had no place to return and no place to move again. Everywhere a barricade came down. She didn’t understand what Chiharu wanted from her. ‘She feels different from before…’ Chiharu refused to give a clear reply. She didn’t know what to do.

“You don’t even understand do you? You really are just dumb…”

Yumi pulled further away from Chiharu. She already went beyond uncertainty and confusion. She lost the chance to say anything. Her every turn threatened her with biting jaws of angry fangs. “Pl-please stop…”

Letting loose a puff of air, Chiharu tightened her arms. “Already making me the villain?”

“Why?”

“That’s what I want to know. Why you?”

“I-I don’t understand what you’re asking!”

Chiharu turned a little in their walk to face Yumi better. “Why are you doing all of this? Why do you act strong, but are actually a coward? Is it all for him? Because of some pointless crush? Why? I want a real answer from you.”

Yumi felt the slam of all of the words against her chest. Her past conversations with Chiharu ran mostly indirect and even when it seemed like they were direct there was still confusion left. It was the first time that Yumi actually felt that Chiharu was being direct and not jumping around words. ‘Was everything from before about this? She’s still bothered by it?’ Most of the nervousness in Yumi faded away. If it was a question such as that, she felt confident in an answer. “I did provide you a partial answer already.”

“You want to change yourself?”

A nod in agreement came from Yumi. She managed to smile a little, feeling the warmth returning to her body. “Yes, that’s correct.” The image of Yuki painted through her mind as she thought about her words.

The tone in Chiharu’s voice cracked slightly as she spoke, “What do you think you can do with such weak and naïve ideas?”

She shook her head a bit at Chiharu. Yumi began to see that she really didn’t understand. Originally, she thought she might have been too young, but she didn’t know Chiharu’s past. Their chats showed her that Chiharu had maturity. She still lacked something else. What she lacked prevented her from understanding. Yumi knew that finally. “I guess it could be seen as that to you. But you sure that it is not you that is weak for not being able to see?”

“I’m not weak,” Chiharu immediately replied. The tone in her voice broke again in her words. Her arms tightened in further. Any further movement from Chiharu would begin popping her joints.

Yumi’s smile weakened a bit seeing the unsettling stress from Chiharu. “There are different types of weakness. I think…” She needed to explain herself. It was clear to her that something still bothered Chiharu enough to keep pressing the issue. Yumi didn’t claim to understand her reasons, but she felt the importance of it to her. “I already know that I’m not very strong. I have to keep picking myself back up. I’m always doubting what I can do. The truth is that I probably shouldn’t even be here.”

“If you know this, then why are you still here?”

“I already answered that question four chapters ago,” Yumi quickly commented with a grin.

A quick glare jumped from Chiharu at Yumi. “I mean what makes you think you can do this. You know you’re weak and not suited to this. How can something so soft as the notion of change be your reason?”

“Well honestly a lot of it is because of Yuki. He’s the reason I want to change.” Some bits of nostalgia floated through Yumi’s mind calling her back. However, a low growl from Chiharu snapped her out of her memories. Yumi saw the look of ‘no more flashbacks’ in her eyes. It made her sweat a little, but she pushed on. ‘I guess a lot of it I didn’t really fully understand at the beginning either. It just sort of happened…’

Yumi let her hands rest back at her side. She forgot that they still walked under the moon towards her brother. The conversation with Chiharu completely absorbed her. “Back at home, I didn’t really mind being ordinary and normal. If anything I wanted that more than anything, but I knew I wasn’t. I was below average and I had to struggle just to try to be average. During all of junior high school that was always my dream, just to be normal. And I thought I felt the same for high school too.”

“Don’t tell me, because of the weakling you changed your mind.”

She giggled a little at the thought, but shook her head. “No, I don’t really think he had much to do with that. After everything that happened with Japan changing, I didn’t know what to think. Everything had changed and I could no longer see things the same anymore.” Her left hand rose up to rest on her right upper arm to hold on for safety. She saw things that defied nature out of her window. Everything no longer had the same meaning, at least she hoped. It gave her a new chance.

Chiharu would have crossed her arms in disbelief, if she hadn’t already. She couldn’t even tighten anymore as a show. All she could manage was narrowed eyes to carry any further disbelief within her. “You’re saying he had nothing to do with it? That since the country changed you came to the conclusion?”

“I guess he triggered things or was part of it. But the changes happening around me definitely changed my way of thinking.” The impossible happened around her. People with strange powers surfaced in every corner. Nothing was as she knew. Her thoughts changed then. “I didn’t think much of it at first. All of it scared me too much. Even from the window of my home, nothing felt safe anymore. But slowly I felt something different. I started considering something. Back then I couldn’t give it words to exist. However, on our last night in Japan I made my decision.”

“You made a decision?”

Yumi nodded back to her. “Yes, it was at that same time I decided I was going to help Yuki.”

“So it does come back to the weakling.”

“Eh? I guess…though they’re two separate issues.” Yumi stuck her hands out as if she held something between them and moved her hands to the opposite side. She wanted to keep them apart from each other. “I felt that if I was going to do anything, I needed to do something… Something possibly drastic and reckless, something that I might regret.”

“Isn’t that counterproductive?” The thought process of Yumi failed to make Chiharu understand her any better. She felt like she was getting the full answer from Yumi, but not the answer that fit. It only served to confuse her further. Questions swam in her head. Yet curiosity remained strong enough to keep from breaking off.

“Maybe so,” laughed Yumi. She couldn’t deny the notion that everything she did was pointless. Even starting out she knew the possibilities. However, she didn’t stop and kept pushing forward. ‘Maybe that’s why the voice inside me comes out…when I find myself in doubt…I can’t turn away…’ Yumi fixed stares with Chiharu. She felt some of her determination returning. “But I decided to do anything knowing that. I needed to change, I realized. The world around me had changed and though even before the changes occurred I did not necessarily fit neatly into its works… I knew that now I definitely wouldn’t… The world outside my home wasn’t a place for me. So I needed to be someone different to keep moving forward.”

“Someone different?” Chiharu raised an eyebrow in uncertainty. The longer she listened the less it made any sense to her. ‘I really don’t understand her way of thinking. You don’t just decide to change yourself. Training and discipline are the only way to improve yourself.’ She wasn’t finding the answer she wanted. She had to correct her thoughts. “Change isn’t possible.”

“Huh?”

“You’re born who you are and who you will be. You can’t change that. You can refine what you’re given. You are you. Nothing more.”

Yumi closed her hands together with her fingers laced together. She held on tightly to them as though desperate to keep something from escaping. “I know I’m trying for something that is impossible. I’ve been who I have been for my entire life. So changing now seems beyond my limits, but even though I falter, stumble and fail I need to keep trying anyway.”

“For him?”

“For myself! My friends support me and know I can be more. So I have to believe as well in what they see in me. So I’ll do this for myself. I’ll become stronger and more confident.” Yumi made it into a promise rather than a dream or hope. She stood in a land where she couldn’t let her weaknesses and fears keep holding her back. She was afraid and scared of the future, but she needed to keep trying anyway.

Yumi jumped forward a little ahead of Chiharu and turned around to face her completely. “After all, we’re in the land where anything is possible, right?” A wide grin appeared on her face brimming with resolve. “Even the impossible can happen!”

Chiharu came to a stop still questioning the logic presented to her. She didn’t have the energy to debate further irrational ideas with her. Nothing came as clear as she wanted with Yumi. Deep inside, she held onto hope of finding the answer that she needed for herself. The phrase that would solve her own questions, but her quest would have to continue. She knew it would not be so easy. “Logic only a fool can understand. No wonder you’re stuck on the weakling.”

“That’s fine with me for now!” She wasn’t sure how much of it helped, but she no longer saw Chiharu as cold and distant. Even if only a little bit, she thought she could call her a friend and feel like Chiharu might not complain about the notion. ‘Everything will be fine! I’m feeling good about this! We’re a team!’

Seiji and Fumiko came to a stop next to the two girls. However, their reasons weren’t because they interrupted the march. They aimed their eyes forward to the distance. Fumiko was the first to speak, “Is that a village?”

“I can’t tell from here,” answered Seiji, leaning forward as though it helped him. “It’s too dark.”

Chiharu pulled her focus back to the attention that grabbed the others. The features on her face all became narrowed and intense. “No, that’s no village. It’s a camp.”

The sudden change in atmosphere finally reached Yumi. It pulled her around, curious to know what the others were talking about. Once she saw the same thing, her eyes widened and pupils shrank in disbelief. “A camp?! It can’t be!” She staggered back, unable to hide her surprise.

“Yes, and judging by the size there are more than a hundred camped there.”

“How’s that possible?” asked Fumiko, taking a step back as well. “We would have seen something this big!”

“My brother’s in there?! How are we supposed to get him out of there?” Despair fell back into Yumi’s lap dropping her to her knees. The sight grew more expansive in her mind. Her brother stretched out of her reach. ‘How will I save him?’