Page 56 of Shame the Devil

For once, he wasn’t looking charming. He was looking like he didn’t know how tobecharming.

“I have to live with this,” she told him. “And I can’t. I always told Dyma …” She had to blink back the tears and take a deep breath before she went on. “Not to sleep with anybody who didn’t think he was the luckiest guy in the world to get the chance. It’d be an easy thing for you. A throwaway thing. I get it. But I can’t be a throwaway thing anymore.”

She stood up, got hit by a wave of cold air on her superheated skin, scrambled out of the hot tub without nearly enough grace, and reached for her robe. Now he’d seen every bit of her, but that was all right, too. That was fine.

She wasn’t unsure anymore, and she wasalwaysunsure. That had to mean this was right, even though it felt lousy. “I’m going to take a shower,” she told him. “And then order some dinner and go to bed. I realize you’re paying, but I’m going to tell myself that I didn’t ask you to. You wanted company, and I’ve given you company.”

“You have,” he said. His face was shut down now. “You should do what you want.”

“It’s your birthday,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m a big boy,” he said. “Go.”

* * *

He didn’t hang around.Once he was sure she’d be locked into her bathroom, he climbed out of the hot tub, pulled his clothes over his wet body as best he could, let himself out of the suite, and headed back to his room.

Nowhere he hadn’t been before. An anonymous hotel room. A shower. A room-service order.

His phone rang.

He picked it up, his heart pounding.

Annabelle.

He took a breath, pushed the button, and said, “Hey, Bug. Using it already, huh?”

“I can’t talk long,” she said. “I’m in the shed.”

“What? Why? It’s too cold out there.”

“Iknow.I’m the onehere.I was scared Dad would hear me.”

He swung his feet to the floor. “Why? What did he do?”

Shit.Why had he left like that? He should have stayed. He should have known. His dad had felt humiliated. He’dknownthat would make it worse.

“Nothing,” she said. “Not like you’re thinking. He just … he threw some things, I think, after he got home. Something was breaking out there, anyway. I think he might have bet on the game, but I’m not sure. If he did, he lost. It was an upset, if you didn’t watch, because the Patriots didn’t have any pass rush at all, and their play calling was kind of bizarre, but you know how he always thinks the Patriots can’t lose. Anyway, I stayed in my room. It’s quiet now, though. I think he fell asleep. But I thought it would be better to come out here to call.”

“Right.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to get his breathing under control. “Sorry I left you.” He dragged a hand through his still-wet hair. “What can I do?”

“I just wondered … maybe I could live with Alison until September, until I’m eighteen, and then Icouldcome out and be with you. What do you think? I’d miss the rest of the softball season, but maybe … maybe I could wait and go after the playoffs, in April. I could tell him I’ll play next year in Portland. Maybe that wouldn’t make him so mad.”

“That’s a thought,” he said. “Alison, I mean, because of course you can come stay with me afterwards. Why don’t you call her? I’ll give you the number.” Her next-older sister, who lived in Minneapolis now.

“Can you call?” she asked. “Please? It’s just … I’m cold.” And, he thought, scared to hear another “no.”

“I’ll call,” he promised. “I’ll text you what she says. Go back inside.”

“Harlan?” she asked.

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t Mom ever come back? Do you think it was because of me?” He couldn’t tell whether what he was hearing was the cold, or whether she was crying.

“What? No. How could it be because of you?”

“The rest of you were teenagers, though. And you were in college already, but then I came along. I was only in kindergarten, and maybe she thought … maybe she thought she was almost done, but then I showed up, and that made it too hard. I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t come back, you know?” Now, he could tell for sure what it was. She was crying, just a little. The same way Jennifer did it, like she couldn’t allow herself to let go, because she didn’t have anywhere safe to be while she did it. Because there was nobody to hold her. Annabelle went on, “Every day, I’d walk to the bus stop and think, ‘Maybe she’ll come home today while I’m at school and bring me presents. If I’m really good, she’ll be home when I get there, and she’ll give me a big hug and say how much she missed me and say I’m her little ladybug.’ Even though I knew she went with that guy, and she took her car and all her clothes. I thought, she wouldn’t go away with somebody else forever. She’d come back and be with me.”