Page 129 of Shame the Devil

Why hadn’t she told him, if she was planning to leave? Why hadn’t she asked him to come home while she told his dad? He could have been there. He would have stopped it. He could have helped. Why hadn’t she asked?

Would he have come, though, if she had? Would he really? Would he have driven those ten hours, or would he have thought,I have a game. I’ll see her at Thanksgiving?

He wanted it back. He wanted itback.

His chest ached, and so did his throat. He hadn’t known that grief could hurt like that. That it could be a physical pain, like a jagged black stone in your chest. How scared she must have been, telling his dad she was leaving, and then how terrified. It was like he could feel her fear, and her pain.

He felt the tears rise, and then they spilled over, hot and wet.

The sobs hurt so badly, it was like his chest was ripping open. He lay there and held Jennifer, felt his baby swimming inside her, already wanted, already loved, and cried because he was happy. Because he was having a baby, and his mother would never know. Because she’d died afraid and hurting, and he was never going to be able to make that go away.

Because he hadn’t there to help.

54

Your Own Tao

Harlan jerkedawake to the sound of somebody hammering. Who would be hammering? It was dark.

Oh. At his bedroom door. Knocking.

Beside him, Jennifer stirred sleepily, made a little noise, and fell asleep again. And Annabelle’s voice called from outside his door, “Harlan?”

Unfortunately, he was naked. He called, “One second,” grabbed the throw from the bottom of the bed, wrapped it around his waist, and went to the door just as Jennifer sat up and said, “Wha?”

“Go back to sleep,” he said.

“Uh … Dyma,” she said. Annabelle was knocking again, and Jennifer half-fell out of bed. And Harlan sighed and opened the door.

“Oh,” Annabelle said, looking beyond him. “She’s here.”

“Well, yeah,” Harlan said.

Dyma said, “Geez, Mom, you could leave a note. Here I am, trying to follow the rules, and you’regone,meaning we have to get all awkward.”

Harlan said, “Excuse me. What?”

Jennifer said, “Oh. Sorry. I forgot. Uh … what time is it?”

“Excuse me,” Dyma said. “Midnight? As in, we’re checking in with you, like you always say?” She told Harlan, “This is where she kisses me goodnight, pretending it’s because she loves me, when she’s actually smelling my breath.”

Jennifer said, “You knew that?”

“Well, yeah,” Dyma said. “I’m not stupid.”

“Oh.” Jennifer was still blinking. Still looking pregnant and sleepy and messy and sweet. “How was the concert?”

“Great,” Dyma said. “So are we just supposed to pretend that we don’t notice that you and Harlan are suddenly sleeping together again? Like we weren’t supposed to notice back in North Dakota? Because all this not-noticing, no-relationship, yes-relationship is getting exhausting.”

Jennifer said, “Wait. You knew about North Dakota?”

“If you want to be sneaky,” Dyma said, “you’re going to have to be quieter.”

“Oh.” Jennifer appeared to consider that. “Well, that’s embarrassing,” was what she finally came up with.

“Nope,” Harlan said. “It’s not. We made a baby already. Our secret’s out there. How long are we supposed to stand here and have this chat? Because I’d like to go back to sleep.”

Annabelle said, “Sorry. I wasn’t sure what to do. It’s just that Dyma said her mom’s always waiting up for her, and it would be a big problem if she didn’t check in … And then she wasn’t at home, so I figured …”