Page 33 of Shadow’s Protection (Hurricane Heat MC #1)

I manage to blow-dry my hair without puking, and God bless him, Shadow makes us both a light dinner of chicken and rice. We eat quietly on my couch, the television playing an old movie in the background. But neither one of us speaks. He’s beside me, our thighs touching, and it’s nice.

And that’s all it can be.

I’m overcome with sadness then. Will I end up like Shadow’s mom? Raising a child who never comes to see me? Marrying a safe, stable man someday who will always stand in the shadow of the man I never got over? Because having Shadow right here and not being able to have him is killing me.

I jump up from the couch and run into the kitchen before the tears start.

“Violet, you sick?” Shadow follows me into the kitchen, where I’m standing over the sink.

“No,” I say. When I face him, it’s like everything hits me at once. I see him standing here in my kitchen. He’s so huge and muscled, his heavy, dark tattoos a stark contrast to my cottagecore décor.

He doesn’t fit. We don’t fit.

I don’t know why I even let myself hope for more.

I try to brighten my voice. “No, I’m just…” The tears come fast and hot. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to stay. You’ve done so much for me, taken such good care of me—for the second time now. You need to get back to your real life. What really matters. I don’t want to slow you down anymore.”

“Why would you say slow me down?” He’s folding me against his chest and wiping my tears when he says, “This is my real life, Violet. Don’t you know you’re what matters to me right now?”

I hear the right now, and it doesn’t make me feel any better.

“Thanks,” I say, sniffling and pulling away. “But eventually, you have to go back to the compound. To whatever you do for work, or are you planning on staying here and making me chicken soup forever?”

“You want forever?” His face darkens, and he stares at me as though I slapped him. “Is that what this is really about, Violet?”

I shake my head. “I can’t do this.”

I try to walk out of the kitchen, but I don’t know where to go. If I run to my bedroom, will he follow me? I don’t think I have the strength to watch him leave. To see us separated again, this next time for who knows how long.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to calm down. I know I’m exhausted, emotional, not to mention hormonal. But I have to know what this is once and for all. I can’t spend the next nine months or nine years wondering what could have been.

“I didn’t want to leave you after the storm,” I say quietly. “I wanted you to want me to stay.”

“I did,” he says quickly. “I said?—”

“You said I could come back whenever I needed an orgasm,” I remind him, but there is no cruelty in my voice.

I lift my arms helplessly. “I can’t help it if I want great orgasms and the man who gives them to me.

I want all of you, Shadow. I wanted all of you.

And I knew that would never be possible.

Even if you did feel the same way, how would we make it work?

I’m a librarian, and I am truly not judging, but I don’t know if I want to know what you really do for the club. ”

He listens to me, his face completely devoid of expression. I can’t tell if he’s furious, hurt, or bored.

“It makes no sense, and we hardly know each other, but I know enough to know I want it all. I wanted you, Shadow. And you’re back now, but how long will it be until you have to leave?

Until I can’t be your top priority, and then…

” I don’t want to say this. I don’t want to throw back in his face that I don’t want to be like his mom.

Someone he sends groceries to so he doesn’t have to feel the pain and guilt of not being there.

I don’t have to say it, though. Shadow closes his eyes and huffs a soul-weary sigh. “Is that why you haven’t told me about the baby?”

My heart gallops in my chest. I am too shocked to deny it. “How did you know about that? How did you?—”

He points toward my potted plants. “The first night I got here, your doctor’s notes and the prenatal vitamins were right there on the counter.

” He lowers his eyes. “You probably didn’t think I’d notice that you hid them away somewhere while I was showering the next morning.

I did, Violet. I fucking notice everything. ”

He doesn’t come closer to me, but now, he stares me in the eye.

“I notice because I care, Violet. This isn’t food poisoning.

You’re pale and exhausted. You’re weak and trying to hide what’s going on from everyone.

At first, I wasn’t sure if it was because you didn’t know what you were gonna do about the situation.

But now, I think it’s because you weren’t sure what you were gonna do about me. ”

Shame floods my entire being like an illness. I feel terrible—stupid, even. He’s a smart man. Of course, he would put two and two together.

“It’s yours,” I say quietly, just in case there is any doubt. “I’m sorry. But it is.”

Shadow stands there looking partly stricken, partly shocked.

“But look, I don’t need anything from you.

I don’t need child support, you don’t need to be involved.

I have a really supportive family. I haven’t even had time to tell them yet, but when I do, my sister is going to want me to move to Chicago, and I know my parents will pressure me to bring their grandbaby back to Atlanta.

I have support. I’ll be okay. I’ll send you pictures and emails if you want updates. ”

At that, he does move closer, his green eyes sparking with something dark and angry.

“You’ll send me pictures?” He rakes a shaking hand through his hair.

“Ever since I set eyes on you, I’ve wanted nothing but you.

To protect you, to keep you safe. To take care of you.

What the fuck makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for my kid? ”

I shake my head. “Shadow, we’ve been through this.

You took care of me because I needed you to.

But life isn’t a tropical storm. I don’t need you to protect me.

I love when you do, and I will forever—and I mean forever —be grateful that you freed me from Clive.

” I wrap my arms around myself and shiver.

“Can you imagine if I had your baby and Clive was out there walking free?”

I can’t think of it. The very idea makes me sick.

What he would have done to me or to the baby.

The danger I would have felt being on the receiving end of that man’s fury.

And the terrifying reality of what happens to women just like me every day who don’t have a Shadow to drive the real darkness away.

“I mean it,” I say. “I’ll never be able to repay you for all you’ve done, but you’re finished now. It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

“Fuck that.” Shadow shakes his head. “I won’t be okay. I was never okay. I haven’t been okay since you walked away from me almost a month ago.” He starts pacing circles in the kitchen, nearly tripping on my berry-shaped kitchen rug.

I have to hold back the giggles that want to overtake me. This is ridiculous. Insane, really. This could never work. He literally does not fit in my life. And what would I do? Bring the baby to the biker club? The compound has smoking, drugs, booze, sex. I shake my head. It can’t work.

“Violet.” Shadow stops his frantic pacing, smooths the rug with his foot, and then stands on it, so far from me I can’t smell him or touch him.

I am glad for that. I don’t think I could think clearly or resist holding him if he moved any closer.

“I’m in love with you. I don’t give a shit if this doesn’t make sense.

I want you. I want you with me every day. ”

I shake my head. It’s what I want too. It’s what I’ve dreamed of hearing. But it’s too late. “You’ll resent me,” I say. “If you stay with me just for the baby, you’ll resent me. And our child. And then we’ll all be miserable.”

Then he comes close to me, holds my arms gently in his hands. “Look at me, please, Violet. Because if you don’t, I’m gonna fucking blow. I can’t take how this feels.”

I look into his face, and his eyes are shining, his formerly unreadable face now a mask of agony.

“I can’t lose you. I want to make a life with you.

I want to make a family with you.” He moves his hands from my arms to the sides of my face, and his touch is so light, it’s like he’s afraid he’s going to break me.

Or that I could break him. “I want this. Maybe not the strawberries everywhere, but I want our version of this.”

I laugh, a few tears running down my face. “Having a relationship is hard work, Shadow. God knows I tried with Clive, and that went all to shit.”

“I’m not that fucking asshat.” He flares his nostrils and glares at me. “For fuck’s sake, Violet. Is that what you think of me?”

“No, no, of course I don’t. But Shadow, I’ve never, ever had anything like what I’ve had with you. I can’t stand the thought of being away from you for five minutes. If I lose you, it will destroy me. I can’t let anything come between me and this baby, if I have it. Not even my feelings for you.”

“That’s not gonna happen,” he growls.

“You can promise me forever?” I ask. The question is quiet and sincere. Not accusing. “How will that work, Shadow? There’s no room in the compound for a crib. I can’t park a stroller in the garage next to the GTO.”

Now, I’m sobbing. The memories of what we had feel so stolen, so fleeting. Like the past we shared is a closed chapter and we’re wasting our strength trying to pry that book open and find the page where we left off.

He holds me close to him, and I let myself cry against his chest. He breathes into my hair, and I feel the hum of his breaths, the patter of his heartbeat.

I carry a part of this man inside me, a life that is as much him as it is me.

Someday, will I see the curve of his brow on my little baby’s face?

When I teach my child to play in the sun, will I think of him every time I see a shadow?

I don’t know how people do these things.

Raise families. Love and lose. I feel so unprepared.

All I know is what’s in my heart, and none of what I feel makes any sense.

“Violet, nobody can promise anybody forever,” he says.

“My parents were high school sweethearts. They had me. They got married. They did everything right.” He whistles low.

“One small decision, one wrong turn, and anything can happen. My parents didn’t get forever, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t try.

All that matters is that both of us are willing to try. ”

“Are you?” I ask. “Are you willing to try because I am pregnant? Would you even be here if I weren’t?”

He looks at me like I just said the world’s stupidest thing, but his voice isn’t mocking.

It’s patient. “Sweetheart, I didn’t know you were pregnant when I came.

And for all I knew, you didn’t plan to keep it.

I stayed for you. I’m here for you. If I try because I love you, then what the fuck does it matter if I try for you and our baby? ”

When he says our baby , he looks like he’s going to lose it.

“Ever since I saw that report, I’ve wanted to hold you tight.

Tell you everything that’s in my fucking brain.

I’m not that guy, Violet. I can’t be flowery and poetic.

I fucking want you. It’s that simple. I want to be in your bed and in your kitchen—” He kicks a toe at the strawberry rug.

“Minus the knickknacks. I want to try. The baby just speeds up the timeline.”

“So where does that leave the club?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “What do you mean?”

“If you choose me, doesn’t that mean you have to quit being a member?”