Page 15 of Seduced By the Squire (Diamonds in the Rough #1)

In the end Llinos didn’t have to rack her brain to find a way to explain her flushed cheeks and unsteady legs. When she reappeared in the great hall Lady Mary took one look at her and rushed out to her side. True to herself, she did not let her get in a word in edgeways and simply drew her own conclusions.

“Oh you poor dear, what on earth happened to you? Come sit here and tell me all about it.” She patted the chair next to her. “You look as if you are about to fall. Have you had a fright, is that what it is?”

Llinos could only nod. She was on the edge of tears.

What had happened to Duncan tonight? He had been like a different man… It wasn’t exactly that he had been more forceful in his lovemaking, even if that was certainly the case, but there had been a desperation in his voice and his eyes she hadn’t witnessed before. And then the way he had walked away from her… It had been as if he hadn’t wanted to let her go and yet could not have borne to be another moment with her .

His words came back to her mind.

Go back to where you belong.

You had a lowly squire, a bastard between your legs.

So that was what was eating at him, why he had been so distant during the day, why he had watched her so intently throughout the evening, why he had needed to possess her so fiercely! He had needed to prove to himself that there was at least a part of her he could have.

Her heart bled for him because even though she would gladly have given him all of herself, he thought himself unworthy of her, too low to be allowed to be a part in her life, even a base one.

“Yes, I had a fright. I had forgotten something in my bedchamber, so I went to retrieve it. But as I crossed the courtyard I saw… a shape,” she mumbled and made a vague gesture, knowing that Lady Mary never really listened to her anyway. As long as she appeared distraught, it would be enough to explain her flushed state. “If you will forgive me, I think I will retire to bed. I feel a headache coming on. You know, women’s problems,” she added in a low, conspiratorial murmur.

“Oh, I do. Poor dear.”

Poor dear .

Llinos set her teeth. If she heard the two words one more time she would scream.

She was not a poor dear, she was not a helpless, insignificant person! She was a woman who knew what she wanted and could not have it! Why could Lady Mary not leave her be? Why couldn’t they all just go away?

When had the company of the people here at Pitcairn Castle become so unbearable? In the space of a few weeks Lord Masterson had changed from affable to overzealous, his steward’s nasal voice grated on her nerves and every time Lady Mary opened her mouth, it was to utter platitudes that made Llinos cringe on the inside. No one could raise an ounce of interest within her. Nothing held any appeal. The only person she wanted to be with was Duncan, the only thing she wanted to do was be with him. His conversation was invigorating, his presence comforting and of course every time he touched her, she dissolved in pleasure such as she had never known existed.

She couldn’t have chosen a better man to put her plan to execution, but for all that, nothing had happened the way she had imagined. She had thought she would find a man, allow him to bed her once and be done with it, she had assumed the encounter would happen in a bed, not on the grass of a sun-filled meadow, she hadn’t anticipated that the man would make her utter shocking words and perform shocking deeds, she had not expected him to be shockingly handsome, shockingly skilled, or to make her body explode in such a shocking manner.

And, most importantly of all, she hadn’t imagined that she would be hankering for him long after the bargain was sealed. But she was. Desperately so, hopelessly so.

Llinos got up, determined to leave before she started crying.

“Will you be all right to go on your own?” Lady Mary enquired as she wavered.

“Yes, thank you.”

“We should ask for someone to see you safely to your chamber.”

“No!” If they asked Duncan it would be a disaster and she didn’t want to see anyone else. She didn’t want to talk, answer questions or pretend everything was all right.

She turned around.

“Poor dear, I bet you cannot wait for Sir Benedict’s return.”

No, Llinos thought with a shudder. The longer he stayed away, the better. But undeniably, if he arrived tonight, it would ensure the success of her mad plan. One look at her and he would guess that his future bride was a far cry from the innocent virgin he wished to marry. If she looked half as debauched as she felt then he would publicly shun her.

In her bedchamber she found the tub she had used to bathe earlier. It had not been emptied yet. Sucking in a breath, she plunged into the cold water. Despite the goosebumps covering her skin, she washed herself thoroughly, fearing that if she stayed with Duncan’s scent on her she would never be able to keep tears at bay.

Tonight something had been broken between them, something she wasn’t sure she would be able to repair.

The next day, unable to face him, she stayed in bed. Hopefully, Lady Mary would spread the word of her supposed headache, thereby ensuring Lord Masterson did not think it odd that she did not appear. Anyway, she didn’t care. Let them think what they wanted. The only person whose opinion mattered to her was Duncan and she knew that, even if she made the effort to get up, he would only be avoiding her.

If he had been uncomfortable after the interlude in her bed, he would be horrified by what they had done in the secret passage, thinking himself no better than a beast governed by lust, mounting her like Cwtch had mounted his bitch and making her take it without complaint.

That night, as she lay awake in bed she decided to be brave in the morning. She could not stay away indefinitely, and she missed Duncan.

Before dawn she was up, determined to see him while the castle was still asleep.

After a fruitless search in the bailey, she found him in the lists, practising his sword moves. Oddly, he was doing so alone, instead of fighting a partner, as was common practice. For a while she remained hidden in the shadows and just watched him, entranced by the way his body moved and his muscles flexed. It did not take her long to understand why he was practising on his own instead of sparring with other men. He was ashamed of his inability to wield the weapon properly, and intent on improving. Because he was strong and graceful, his movements were impressive but, as a noblewoman used to seeing knights fight, Llinos could tell he was not as fluid or proficient as he should be for a squire. But of course he was not really a squire, he was only a minstrel’s son posing as one, a bastard alone and away from home, trying to make a life in a place where he was not allowed to be himself, little more than a slave.

Her heart bled for him but she stayed where she was because she knew he would hate to be seen in such a vulnerable moment.

He proved it when, a moment later he swivelled round, and ran to where she was hiding, blade pointed straight at her.

Even if he was not as skilled as he would have liked to be, he was still ten times faster and stronger than she was. He could have cut her to ribbons before she had time to understand what was happening. Stifling a scream, Llinos flattened herself against the wall.

Duncan stood in front of her, his sword aimed at her throat. Had it been anyone else she might well have fainted with fright. Because it was Duncan, she knew he would never actually run her through, even if she had witnessed his humiliation.

“What are ye doing here? Have ye come to gloat? See the poor man unable to use his sword properly?”

“N-no.” There was no use pretending she had not noticed he was not as skilled as he could be, but surely he knew she would never make him feel bad about it? What did her take her for? Had the last few weeks meant nothing to him? “I didn’t know you came here to practise.”

He ignored her comment. “Why have ye come? Didn’t ye have enough the other night when I mounted ye like a bitch in heat?”

The words were like a slap. “I — ”

“Have ye washed today?” he carried on, not giving her time to formulate a response. “Or are yer thighs still dripping wi’ my seed?”

This was no lewd talk meant to entice her, it was crudeness meant to hurt her. And it did. Was that all he had to tell her after all they had shared together? Call her a bitch in heat and he a poor man mounting her like an animal?

“Please, Duncan, we need to — ”

“We need nothing! We dinnae belong together and ye ken it,” he snarled. “Go away. If I touch ye again I will do it in a way ye willnae like. I will take possession of every part of ye, do ye hear? I will leave ye feeling lower than a whore.”

“Why?” she asked, feeling all the blood drain from her face. “Why would you do this?”

“Because I can!” he roared, planting his sword into the ground. “Because ye let me! And I would be a fool not to take advantage of the opportunity of humiliating a noble lady!”

It was then that Llinos understood. He had never wanted her . He had only wanted the opportunity to take revenge on his past.

“I see. You didn’t bed me to help me out of a marriage I did not desire, you didn’t even mean to make me pay for my selfishness, teach me a lesson for assuming you would accept my offer without question,” she said, biting the inside of her mouth to stop her lips from trembling. “You meant to take revenge on your mother, nothing more. When you… used me, you didn’t do it because you wanted me, but because you had a score to settle with your past. You wanted to treat me like your father should have treated your mother.”

Although she didn’t want him to see how deeply the realisation hurt, she could not help the tremor in her voice. He’d said he would use her, that he would make her feel lower than a whore. But she had done nothing to deserve that. His mother was the villain of the piece. She was the one who should be punished.

She, Llinos, was paying for a crime she hadn’t committed.

Her heart broke, because she had allowed herself to believe Duncan cared for her when he had only meant to pay Lady Eileen back for the pain she had caused his father.

“I was always just an instrument for you, and yet you made me feel as if I was the despicable one for going to you!”

Perhaps it was no more than she deserved for considering using him for her own purpose, but it hurt to know that she had been nothing more than a way to right a wrong. Now she knew why he had forced her to behave in such a wanton manner, to utter those shocking words, and perform those shocking deeds. He had wanted to transform her into his mother, so he could show her what women like her deserved.

He'd made her service him, expose herself, take whatever he wanted to give her, and all the while he had not seen her, but Lady Eileen MacDonald.

“Did it help?” she asked in a sob. “I hope it helped you to do to me the things you wish your father had done to your mother, because it certainly makes me feel like a fool!”

Llinos turned away, unable to look at him. There was no point in running away, he would catch up with her before she could reach the gate. Or… Perhaps he did not care enough to go after her. She didn’t want to find out so she stayed where she was.

“Nay, it did not help.” He grabbed her by the shoulders to make her face him once more. “At first I thought ye no better than my mother, I will admit, running after me to demand to be fucked, not giving a damn about what I thought or wanted. I thought ye were yet another lady using a common man for her own purpose, without a care about his feelings or preferences. But ye weren’t like that and — ”

“Don’t lie!” Llinos said, trying to disentangle herself from his hold. “I know what I did, and how it must have appeared to you!” She knew she had hurt him but she didn’t want to have this turning into a conversation about what she had done wrong because he was the one under accusation at the moment, not her. “But you are not free from blame either, you jumped at the chance of humiliating me, you — ”

“Nay, ‘tis not what ye think. Listen to me!” Duncan growled. “At first I did think to use ye, to my shame. As I said, not many men in my position would resist a woman like ye and I did think it would help to soothe away my anger to make ye pay for yer presumption. I did mean to use ye and make ye regret coming to me. But then…”

Llinos stared at him. His bluntness, painful as it was, made her see that he was trying to be honest. He was trying to tell her the truth. Whether she would like hearingit was another thing. Still, she asked. “But then?”

“But then I saw that ye were nothing like my mother. Ye didn’t want me just for my body, ye had reasons for coming to me, reasons I can sympathise with. And ye gave yerself to me rather than just take what ye wanted.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I… I ne’er thought ye would treat me as yer equal but ye did.”

“What else could I do? What do you take me for? I’m not Lady Mary!”

“I ne’er said ye were, only…”

When he hesitated she looked at him square in the eye, which required her to lift her head .

“You got it all wrong from the start. You thought that lying with me would humiliate me when I was the one suggesting it! You thought that by using me you would make me think you’re a brute but it only made me crave more of your touch.” She shook her head. “You really don’t know me at all.”

“Aye, I do ken ye now lass, but I didnae at the start. I think… I think we both started this for all the wrong reasons and got trapped in a web of our own making. And now I cannae see a way out of it.” He placed his forehead against hers, a gesture of surrender, apology and longing all at once.

She placed a hand on his nape, gifting her with the forgiveness he sought. “Neither do I.”

They might be trapped but she did not want to get out of a web that felt more like a cocoon. With Duncan she could be herself and be appreciated for it. It was a wonderful feeling. She didn’t need to hide her feelings or repress her unlady-like reactions. When Welsh words escaped her lips, he never battered an eyelid, and even asked her what they meant.

No, as difficult as all this was, she could not regret any of it. She would rather be trapped with Duncan than free with people who made her feel like a prisoner.

“Let me walk ye back to yer bedchamber,” he said eventually.

Llinos smiled. Though she was certain no one would attempt anything against one of Lord Masterson’s guests, she wanted to indulge him. If he wanted to be protective, she would revel in it. Only a moment ago she had feared he only wanted her as a tool in his revenge. It felt good to be shown that it was not the case, that he truly cared about her.

“Please, I would feel safer if you did.”

They walked in silence, Duncan staying a few steps behind her as was proper. No one happening upon them would see anything other than a squire escorting a lady.

“You know… You still have not punished me for my behaviour the other day,” she told him once they reached her bedchamber. “Are you ever going to do it?”

“It…”

He cleared his throat and her body caught aflame. The idea of him submitting her to his will had her inner muscles clench in anticipation. “I wouldn’t mind.”

“Lass,” he warned, taking a step towards her.

“Well, are you going to punish me?” He hesitated again and the urge to tease him became overwhelming. “Relax, I’m only after an aye or a nay, I’m not going to ask you to do it right now. ”

The look Duncan threw her caused her stomach to swap places with her heart.

“Ye are without a doubt the most provoking woman I have e’er met.”

Llinos wasn't fooled. Although he did his best to sound disapproving, she knew Duncan MacQuarrie had just given her the most heartfelt compliment she had ever received.

A door slammed in the distance, recalling them to the reality of the situation. The castle was waking up and he could not be seen anywhere near her bedchamber. He gave a bow.

“I bid you good day, my lady.”

During the next few weeks Duncan and Llinos stopped fighting the inevitable. Instead, every chance they got, they met, even when they knew they would not have the opportunity to make love. It was both the best and worst time of Llinos’ life. Moments spent with Duncan sent her soaring to the Heavens, then every goodbye hurled her into an abyss of despair.

They were headed for disaster but the journey was the most enjoyable interlude she could have dreamed of.