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Cecily

CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT

“I was raised by a family that, in theory, was perfect. Father and mother in love, loving. We lacked nothing. I am the third child. Neither neglected nor overly pampered. A privileged person, like my brothers. I thought I had the world at my feet. When I was just out of my teens, my mother ran away from home with another man.”

He seems to have difficulty telling me this, and I guess it’s both because—as he admitted—he doesn’t know how to talk about feelings and it must be painful to remember the past.

“Mom died in a car accident with the man who, for years after the event, we thought was her lover. My father committed suicide on the same day. In one moment, the world as we knew it disappeared. We began to distrust our own shadows, and our lack of faith in the world was fueled by our paternal grandfather, who wanted revenge against the family that disgraced ours. Only recently did we discover that nothing we believed was actually true. And the real culprit for our mother’s death was right under our noses.

I hear him narrating how they took revenge on the man but that, even after the reckoning, the hatred they had in the past had already shaped them forever, and that they continued to distrust even their own shadow.

“As I told you before, I didn’t fall in love with Sue but rather with what she represented: family. Something I had lost. I loved Joseph. I had no love for her, but I was willing to keep her close if it meant becoming a father to my boy. When you appeared, it was unlike anything I had ever known. I didn’t know what to do with what you made me feel, with the crazy desire that awakened in me, that still awakens... I just knew that I couldn’t let you go.”

I grip the hem of the sheet tightly to stop myself from touching him.

“Brick by brick, you broke down the defenses I’d created. You became my life. My world. When I found out that you’d betrayed me . . .”

“How did you find out?”

“Allen, the security guard you spoke to the day you threw yourself in front of the car, saw the report about our engagement and then the one about Peyton telling those lies about you. The poor man wanted to warn me, and I believe in his good intentions, but I wanted to strangle him because even though I felt angry, I continued to love you madly and passionately, as always.”

“You sent me away.”

“Yes, I did, but it wouldn’t have lasted. Eventually, I would have sought you out and asked for forgiveness.”

“Exactly as you are doing now.”

He nods in agreement, and I look at him, studying the face of the man I love.

After what happened the last time we saw each other and also what Cage told me about Sue’s supposed pregnancy, I prepared myself for his hatred.

I promised myself that Dionysus wouldn’t catch me by surprise. I would be ready for anything he threw at me.

And then, he surprised me just now by revealing Sue’s sterility.

Like the needy fool that I am, at first, my heart sank. It will be okay , I thought, gratefully, because there was no reason for him to be angry. I didn’t harm his baby because Sue wasn’t pregnant.

Now, after listening to him, and even though I understand his side, I feel angry at myself for accepting so little.

For always longing for the goodwill of others.

For always needing to be loved.

“And so, now I should accept that when you sent me away, you didn’t really mean it. You were just upset.”

“Cecily . . .”

“I understand everything you’ve been through, Dionysus, and also the reasons why you don’t trust anyone other than your family. You are a wonderful father, and I couldn’t imagine anyone more perfect to take care of Joseph. As I said in your office, in our last conversation, all I did was think about my promise to my friend.”

“I understand?—"

“No, you don’t understand. Keith was there for me when I needed him most. I had to check if Joseph was okay. In my naivety, I thought I could find you, tell you my story. I went to the bank’s headquarters day after day but soon realized they would never let me in, and I was running out of money. Throwing myself in front of your car was an act of desperation.”

“I believe you.”

“Do you really? Or was it the fear of almost losing the baby I carry that changed your mind?”

“I want this child, but I want you, especially, Cecily. A family, our family.”

“I need some time to think. One of the promises I made to Keith was to never again allow anyone to give me less than I deserved. Do you know what I realized after I woke up here today, in the hospital? I still don’t know how to fulfill that promise, because any crumb of feeling people offer me, I kneel down and thank them because I don’t believe I deserve it. I love you, but I need to love myself first.”

“I don’t want you to walk away.”

“I won’t, but for now, I won’t come back to your house. I’m hurt. I can’t forget what you said: that it wasn’t my house. A few days ago, your request for forgiveness would have been enough. Now, I need actions.”

“What do I have to do?”

“First of all, it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve always had an emotional crutch to lean on. My father, my toxic family, whom I thought would one day love me, Keith, and you, my Prince Charming. Even the day you sent me away, I didn’t want to go to the penthouse. I wanted to be with Elina. I need time with myself. Don’t take me away from Joseph. I want to see him at least once a week, but I don’t want to see you. I need to test myself. Knowing if what I feel for you is love or if it is the desire to belong to someone.”

“You don’t know whether you love me?”

“Not at this moment.”