Page 37 of Secret Love (The Single Dad Playbook #2)

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

WASHED UP

HENLEY

I get out of bed and hobble to my closet, in a hurry to get ready for practice, before I remember that it’s not only evening and not time for practice, but I wouldn’t be at practice anyway. I crawl back into bed and groan, hoping that I can go back to sleep and not have to deal with all the shit going on in my head.

Sleep is the only time my head is quiet, and even then, my dreams aren’t always playing nice. But it’s still better than being awake and dealing with all the emotional junk.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want everyone else thinking about it either. I want everyone to go about their business and be happy, while I take a break from reality.

I’m tired . It’s been a long road. All the sacrifices I’ve made to play this game….the ways my body has been wrecked, the times I’ve missed with my family, the way my life is not my own, but every detail is broadcasted on the news channels like I’m up for public consumption.

It’s exhausting.

And as much as I’ve tried to keep this injury from consuming me, I think it’s caught up with me.

When I fall asleep again, it’s fitful, one nightmare after another.

“Henley?”

I turn to the sound and then feel my shoulder being shaken.

“Henley,” I hear, firmer this time.

I open my eyes, blinking rapidly, and Bowie comes into focus. He’s in my room, standing over me, and when he sees that I’m awake, he stands upright. My lamp is turned on and he glances around the room, wincing when he sees the disaster.

“So, this is how it is,” he says.

I feel ashamed, like I’ve just been caught with my pants down in church or something.

I sit up and Bowie’s nose twitches.

“Dude, when’s the last time you showered?”

“I was going to shower soon,” I tell him.

“Yeah, that’s a good call.” He starts picking up the pizza boxes, frowning when he feels how heavy they still are. “Were you done with these or have they been sitting out for a while?”

“They’ve been sitting out a while, but I can get it. I said I would let you all know when I was ready to start seeing people…”

He looks at me and swallows hard. “Let me help, Hen.”

I stare at him. “I’m fine, Bowie.”

“Clearly, you’re not.”

He moves around the room, picking up my trash and taking it downstairs. When he comes back, he has a bag and he finishes picking things up. I move to the bathroom and take a shower, careful not to get my fucking leg wet. Bowie is in the kitchen when I’m done getting cleaned up, and it’s a lot cleaner than the last time I saw it too.

“Thank you,” I say quietly.

“It’s the least I can do. You were there for me when I needed you. And there are so many people in your life who want to be there for you. I haven’t been through what you’re going through and I can only imagine how much it hurts, both physically and emotionally, but what are you fucking doing, man?”

I stare at him in surprise. Bowie doesn’t raise his voice often, and when he does, it’s on the field. He’s never raised his voice at me.

But apparently he’s not done.

“You have a woman who loves you. She would do anything for you, and she’s worried sick about you because you’ve completely shut her out.”

I look down at the floor. “I’m not what she signed up for. She’s young and has her whole life ahead of her. She shouldn’t be stuck playing nurse to some washed-up athlete.”

“She couldn’t care less what you do for a living. You are what she signed up for. And you can’t decide for her what she needs and doesn’t need. You’re going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you if you don’t get your head out of your ass!”

I stare at him in shock.

“And you think this is doing your kids a favor? This withdrawing bullshit? They don’t need to see you be perfect Henley all the time. Your girls need to know that sometimes we fall, but what’s important is how we get back up.”

I slide my hand down my face. “I…I hear ya.”

“You’re not doing anyone any favors by acting like you don’t need any help. You’re only prolonging the healing process by isolating yourself and trying to do it alone. “

“I haven’t wanted anyone to see me this way. I’m not used to sinking quite this deep into…this dark pit.”

“Have you talked to Dr. Katie?”

“She’s tried to set up several appointments, but no, I haven’t yet.”

He shoots me a withering look and I curse under my breath. Bowie doing the tough love shit is a hard-ass.

“It’s why we have paid psychologists on the team, for times like these…and for a lot less than what you’ve been through. You like Dr. Katie, right? She’s easy to talk to.” Bowie lifts his eyebrows when I don’t answer right away.

“Yeah, sure. She’s easy to talk to. We’ve never gone super deep, but—” I let out a long sigh. “I guess it’s time.”

“I suggest you set up an appointment with her right away…see your girls…and your fucking girlfriend!” His cheeks get red as he glares at me.

“I didn’t mean to make things worse. I just needed a couple days to think.”

“And how have these four days of you thinking all alone gone for you?” He puts his hands on his hips and stares me down.

“Fuck. It’s been four days?”

He nods.

Fuck.

I press my fingers over my eyes. “Thank you for checking on me. Did Beau let you in?”

“I still had your key from the time Becca and I stayed here. Beau and Linc have been letting your cleared list through your gate—we may have been acting more like you were expecting us than is really the truth,” he admits. “But no, they’d never let anyone inside. I can tell they’re worried about you too though.”

I nod. “Okay, I’ll take care of it.”

He turns on my dishwasher. “Should we order some takeout?”

“Actually, I think I need to make a few phone calls.”

“I’d leave you in peace to do that, but I want to stick around for a while and just make sure…” He grins for the first time since he got here, and I chuckle quietly.

“Suit yourself. Go ahead and order whatever sounds good to you then, and I’ll get started on this.” I wave my phone.

“I’m ordering enough for you too—you need to eat,” he says as I walk onto the deck.

I wave over my head and hobble outside, trying to situate myself comfortably on one of the chairs.

I text Bree and the girls first.

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet this week. I haven’t meant to hurt your feelings by shutting you out, but I know it’s probably resulted in that. I’ve been dealing with some things and not in the healthiest way. I hope you’ll forgive me for that. If you have time to come over tonight, I’d love to see you, or we can plan on tomorrow too. Or both. Love you all.

And then I don’t hesitate to call Tru.

She picks up right away. “Henley?”

“It’s me. I’m so sorry, tiny dancer. I’ve been trying to deal with all these feelings myself and ended up being a selfish dick in the process.”

“It’s okay,” she says softly.

“No, it’s not.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “I’m sad you thought you had to deal with it alone. But maybe I’m just not the one you need with you right now.”

“I need you most of all,” I tell her.

“Then let me in. Don’t shut me out.”

“Can you come over tonight? Better yet, move in with me.”

She laughs. “I’ll come over tonight.”

“I can’t wait to see you. I’ve missed you so much…I will do better.”

“You don’t have to be better than you are. I can walk through this with you.”

“I love you. Bowie reminded me that I need to see the team’s psychologist too, so I’ll be doing that soon.”

“That’s a great idea. I love you, Henley. I’m really glad you called. I was afraid…” Her voice cracks. “I thought you might be breaking up with me.”

My breath hitches. “No. You deserve better than me, but I’m not going anywhere. I almost lost sight of what is most important, but I won’t make that mistake again. I promise you that.”