Page 35 of Scream (Duchess & Devils #1)

Sabrina.

"I fucked my bodyguard." It’s Sunday afternoon and Damon has agreed to meet me at his office before I go back to Maksim’s penthouse. I made sure to pay him handsomely, transferring money before he could say no.

I don’t do well with being told “no.”

The only notion Damon gives me that I've surprised him is a flicker in his silver gaze. He jots that down in his special little Sabrina notebook. It should probably irk me but, well, it's pink .

The tosser has us color-coded. It took me a while to understand the different colored notebooks he keeps on his desk but then I realized Raven meant purple. He only has separate notebooks for those he keeps close. Another reason I find it slightly endearing and not as annoying as it should be.

"Penetration?" He asks so simply.

I shake my head and tell him what happened that day in Central Park.

"Sabrina-" he scratches at his brow, a gold pen between two fingers, and then he sighs, like he’s looking for the right words to say, opening and closing his mouth like a fish, but I don’t let him speak.

"I was having dreams while I was in Italy.

Bad ones. Really bad ones. They all start the same, you know?

" He doesn't know. This is the first time I'm talking about it with him.

"It's dark and I can feel the sticky leather on my skin and the way the tires of the vehicle rumble under my feet until it stops.

His scent. The alcohol on his breath. Then the hands.

They're clammy, too. He calls me Princess.

I try to shove him off, but then he's there again.

Touching. Pinching. His face is between my thighs and his fingers are-" I wince, looking down at my thumbs.

I'm wearing pretty lace again today. "And. .."

" And ," Damon says after a moment, like he understands what I mean and not pushing me to go further than I'm ready to.

"And." I nod, still unable to look at him.

"While we were in Italy, that's how the dreams would start.

But something happened. Somewhere in those dreams..

. I... it... his face turned into Maksim's.

" I shake my head, then turn it to look out at the stained-glass windows of his office.

It's rare to see this instead of tinted windows, but it's nice. Kind of serene, like I’m at church instead of an office. Feels more like I’m sitting in confession and Damon is my priest. But it wasn't my sins that made me start going to every therapist in New York until I found Damon, was it?

I concentrate on the colors of the window as I try to continue, but a bitter laugh rises instead, along with anger.

"You know, I thought I was lucky at first. I didn't exactly know what had happened, or who.

I just knew it did. I had accidentally washed away the evidence, and even though I was angry, and I felt so stupid, I thought; okay.

It's fine. I'll push forward. So at first, I thought I was lucky.

I couldn't remember it happening, so in a way, it was like it never did.

But then, over the months it all came back to me.

All of it. Bit by bit, and then, I couldn't not remember it. "

I wipe my eyes when I feel a tear splash on my chest, then lean over and grab a stupid tissue to blot at my perfectly made-up face.

The one I had to stare at for thirty minutes so I could look the part of Sabrina Winters: Mafia Wife.

For any paps that may be lurking nearby when I leave this place.

Fuck them if they try to shame me for seeing a therapist.

"I think... I think Maksim touched me while I was asleep to... help get me out of those... fits. Probably so I wouldn't embarrass him if I woke the staff with my bumbling."

"Sabrina..."

I drag my eyes away from the kaleidoscope windows and look at Damon. He's a handsome bugger; I'll give Raven that. "Hmm?"

"Have you heard of the term somnophilia?"

I shake my head.

"It's... a type of fetish that develops. Being asleep while being masturbated or fondled or being woken up to a partner already... using you for sexual gratification."

Why does that make my pink parts tingle?

"Is it... a form of rape?"

"If it's consensual, no. But it's also normal. Both in victims of sexual assault and people with no prior assaults."

"I think I encouraged it. Because when it was Maksim, and not him, it felt good . It felt real. I wanted it. I think I orgasmed. I haven't orgasmed in ages , Doctor Archer. Even when I try to masturbate, I… I get taken back to that night. It feels wrong and then he pops into my head. Maksim’s right - I’m useless.

I can’t even fuck my husband. There is no pleasure in being married to me. ”

Damon’s silent for a while, jotting down Sabrina things in his little Sabrina notebook. After a few more scribbles, his eyes lift to mine again. "How did you feel upon waking?"

I look away and slowly find the honest within me. "Confused. Still unsure if it was a dream or real."

"And how did you feel afterward? When you came to terms with it, assuming you have since you're talking about it now."

I blush. "I... I wished it happened more often.

When he's pulling me out of those images in my dreams, I feel like he's pulling me back out to shore. Between Maksim and Parker... I'm... starting to feel things… of the sexual nature.” I look away from him again before I say, “A part of me hopes it’s real. I felt… I felt like a woman again.”

"Which is why you dry-humped Savage during your morning run."

If I thought I was blushing before, I'm certainly every shade of crimson now. "Christ. Doc, you make it sound so blasé ."

"How do you cope, Sabrina, with what happened to you?

You've been seeing me for months now and it's the first time you've actually opened up about your assault. How do you cope, and I don't mean baked goods and working out with Raven. Those are outlets. What are your in lets? What’s been helping you be able to mentally safely work through what you’ve been through, and I don’t mean seeing me. "

"I read."

"Read what?"

"Things."

He rolls his eyes and it's not Doctor Archer I'm speaking to; it's Damon , Raven's boyfriend and my friend.

"Okay, fine. I read smut, okay? Dragon shifters and age gap romances and sometimes maybe there's a tentacle.

I read all the tropes. Cowboys and aliens and-" I groan "and lately… maybe … there's a broody mafia guy or a bodyguard of some sort. The thing is, I don’t mind reading about happy endings – pun intended – nor when my pink parts tingle. I just don’t want to touch said pink parts.”

"Finally a non-vague answer."

"You're incorrigible."

He grins so fucking smugly I toss the pillow beside me at him, which he catches and throws it back, hitting me in the face.

"Wanker! Honestly, I expected this from Jonas, not you." I scoff.

"He's contagious," he grins for a moment, then drops his gorgeous smile. Ugh, I hate when he gets serious on me. "Sabrina, how do you feel about Parker?"

This answer is easy, and I don’t have to dig too deeply.

"I feel like I've loved him for the better part of the past four years of my life.

When Raven... when what happened to Raven happened, Mama wanted me to be protected.

We aren't remarkably high, scale-wise in the Syndicate, but she said if that happened to Raven and she was - is - so high up, a literal queen amongst us, then it could happen to me.

I swear she searched high and low for someone like Parker.

Someone who is as dangerous as he looked menacing and at first, yes, I thought he was hot, but he was such a droll.

My god, the man was no fun. But then what happened to me happened to me, and he became such a shoulder to lean on.

And I know it's incredibly unhealthy for me to be so dependent on him, but the bugger knows me inside and out.

He sees my weakness and helps me get stronger. "

"And Maksim?"

I look at the stained windows again. "He gives me emotional and mental whiplash.

Honestly, it's so toxic. I am so very toxic. He calls me weak and useless. He sees it, my worthless attributes, and characteristics. I’m not at all surprised that I…

disgust him." I don't tell him that I disgust myself.

I know, I know. He’s my doctor. I should be telling Damon that I hate myself, but if I hear ‘ how does that make you feel? ’ I’ll probably throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge.

"Tell me about that."

So I do. I tell him everything . He grunts when I tell him about being called useless during our dance as man and wife.

I tell him everything except for my outburst Friday evening, and what transpired between Maksim and I, and I end it with, "But this is also only my point of view.

I'm probably the villain in his story. He wanted this marriage just as much as I did. Meaning not at all."

"So then why did you agree?"

"Because it was either him... or him ."

He lifts a dark brow and barely gives a nod, understanding what and who I mean. "You chose the lesser of two evils."

I scoff. "And look where that's gotten me. I chose the devil and I’m paying for it dearly.”

“Have you thought maybe your husband’s feelings have changed towards you? If yours have, why wouldn’t his? Sex is natural, being forced in such close proximity can change our chemistries.”

I scoff and roll my eyes.

Damon sighs again, looking up at the clock behind me. “I’m giving you a different dose of medication for this week,” he says, grabbing his script paper and jotting something down then handing it to me.

Girl’s Night with Raven Dark Romance Novel (ask Raven) Try to masturbate.

I gawk and gasp at the last one. “ Masturbate ?”

“Yes. Alone .” He stands with me and heads to the door, plucking his raincoat from the coat rack and grabbing mine to help me into it. “Ease yourself into it if you can. Light a few candles, have a bath, relax and… just try.”