Page 42

Thirty minutes pass. We all sit and watch Paul breathe. We don’t speak. I barely move my gaze from the rise and fall of his chest.

Eventually, Matthew stands to clean up his supplies.

“What about…for the pain?” I ask, nodding at Paul. “When he wakes.”

“I can inject him with morphine before I go. That’ll cover him for a few hours.”

“What about when that wears off?” Abe speaks up. “Is there anything we can do for him?”

“Do you guys have access to, say…off-market painkillers?” Matthew asks, sinking into his chair.

“We don’t move drugs,” I tell him, more harshly than I probably need to.

“Kat, I’m not here to judge. This is about your friend. I can come back in a few days with some painkillers, but I already risked a lot by skimming these narcotics tonight. If they catch me, I could lose my job.”

I lower my eyes. Sufficiently scolded and embarrassed.

“So do you have anything? A joint even?”

“A joint?” Abe’s ears perk. “I can get him that. Easily.”

“Then do it. It’ll help.”

Tony rubs his hands on his pants. “We really can’t thank you enough. For everything you did for him. ”

“Just watch him closely,” Matthew advises. “For fevers especially. He may have one for a few hours tomorrow morning, and that’s fine, but beyond then, it could signal an infection. If that happens, Kat knows how to find me.”

Abe walks over to shake his hand. “You’re a good man.”

Matthew nods faintly and bites his lip. He looks down at Paul, his gaze lingering on the wolf tattoo.

“Matt?” I force myself to speak. “Can we go outside to talk?”

We walk out together, side by side but not touching. I feel stiff. Like I’ve been beaten and whipped. I brace for what lies ahead.

When the tavern door closes, Matthew turns on me.

“Christ, Kat.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “How many different times and ways are you going to gut me? Again and again.”

I’m silent because I deserve it. That and a thousand more, so I don’t say one single word.

“Have I proved it to you yet, Kat?” he continues. “That there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you? No piece of me I wouldn’t give? That I would sell my soul for you? Because I think I just did.”

“I’m so sorry I asked that of you. I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

“Kat, I am in love with you. And you…you’re in love with someone else. Someone who is my opposite in just about every way.”

“It’s not as black and white as that. I’ve been wanting to tell you for months. I’ve never lied to you about this…I just haven’t been able to tell the full truth.”

“And what is the truth, Kat? What was I to you…a mark? A simp?”

“No.” I shake my head, desperate for him to understand. “You’re not a simp, Matt. I’m not playing you. My feelings for you are real.”

Too real.

His jaw is tight, set. “You can see why it’s difficult to believe you, right? How am I ever supposed to believe another word that comes out of your mouth?” His eyes scan my face, looking closely. So closely, I could cry. “ You are the Cat Burglar? The femme fatale of the Wolfpack?”

“Get it?” I smile softly, sadly, and share our inside joke with him. “ Kat Burglar?”

It costs me everything to say it. I know this—this right here—is where the sidewalk ends.

“Hilarious,” he whispers, tone hollow. He reaches for my left wrist, turning it over. Rubbing his thumb over blank skin.

“You won’t find anything there,” I tell him. He’s searching for the mark, the one his family’s newspapers made infamous. I raise my right hand instead and show him my real tattoo. The one he saw when we were inside with Paul.

The queen of diamonds.

“This is it. My mark.”

He takes my hand and looks closely, breathing in and out. “This is the finger where you wear that ring, the big silver one. The one I asked you about.”

“Yes.”

“Is it his ring?” He nods toward the pub, toward Paul.

“It is.”

“And you’re in love with him?”

“I am…I was.” I grope for words.

“Those are two different things,” he says, watching me.

I stay silent.

“Are you in love with me too?” he finally asks.

And I want to say the words. They’re right there, right on the tip of my tongue, but something holds me back.

Because I’ve never truly believed I deserve Matthew, that I get to keep him forever. Not really .

“Kat.” Matthew takes my trembling hands, gearing up for one last try.

“I want you to listen very carefully. I’m not running from this.

I don’t care about who you were before me.

I don’t care about what you did. Who you slept with.

If you’ve…hurt people. I don’t care about any of it.

All I care about is what you do from this moment forward.

We’re at a crossroads. Right now. No more lies, no more bullshit . ”

I nod numbly.

“I’m asking you, here and now, to consider another way. Another life. One with me, away from…all of this.” He gestures at the dark night around us, back toward the pub, where Paul sleeps, unaware.

All of this.

The words sting. My kaleidoscope of a world, my entire life , wrapped in a neat little package with three small words. By someone like him.

I take a slow, deep breath. “You think I need saving, don’t you?

Like one of your patients? I don’t. Matthew, all of this is who I am.

” I spread my arms. “I’m not ashamed of it.

I’m not. Those are my best friends in there.

We were underdogs, the biggest out there, and we beat the odds together.

Did I set out to hurt people? No. But if someone threatens one of them, I won’t hesitate.

I protect what’s mine. And they do the same for me.

They’re my family , and I won’t leave them behind just because a better offer comes along. I can’t.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “If that’s your choice, so be it.

I won’t ask you to compromise, but you can’t expect me to either.

I won’t play second fiddle, and I cannot condone hurting people.

I can’t be a part of that. I folded on my morals once before and have regretted it every day since.

I won’t bend here, not again. Not even for you. ”

“So this is it.” I hug myself, preparing for the fracture. Bracing for it. “An insurmountable impasse.”

“It wasn’t insurmountable, Kat.” He shakes his head. “It’s very simple. You’re either mine or you’re his. Tonight, you made your choice. ”

And he walks away. Away from me. Away and away, straight-backed and strong, until he disappears in the foggy depths of the Savannah night.

For the first time in a long time, there’s no one to catch me when I fall.