Page 29

“If you’re looking for something steady, I could put you in touch with people at the hospital,” Matt offers. He bends over to take a shot and drops yet another ball. Beside me, Bobby winces.

Abe hesitates. “I don’t know if the medical field is right for me.”

Matthew shakes his head. “There’s a lot more work to be had at the hospital than medicine. That’s a common misconception. What are you interested in? Business? Maintenance? Administration? Security?”

“Security could be interesting,” Abe ventures. His eyes briefly meet mine before landing back on Matt. “I have some prior experience there.”

“Swell, I’ll put you in touch. I’ll give Kat the info and…and she can get it to you?” He looks to me for confirmation.

I nod faintly, shocked by this turn of the conversation.

“Thank you, Matt,” Abe replies. He seems a bit discomfited by the offer of an inside track. It’s certainly not something Abe is used to.

“Consider it done.”

Bobby and Mellie excuse themselves after the first game—massacre—leaving me to navigate my way through the most awkward threesome of my life. We chat and shoot aimlessly, passing the pool stick back and forth. Our shots become more and more outlandish the longer we play.

“You’re unbelievable,” Abe says after Matt sinks a ricocheting trick shot.

“Please, Abe, his ego needs no inflating.” I laugh as Matthew slings an arm around my shoulders.

He turns his head for a kiss, and I oblige, putting everything I have into it.

Fathomless depths of unsaid meaning. Because I’m so grateful to him tonight, for his maturity and grace. He has absolutely taken my breath away.

As we part, Matt smiles, and my gut seizes with the certainty he knows exactly what I was trying to say. When I look at Abe next, there’s no recrimination in his eyes. In fact, he’s grinning. Then he announces he’s going to take his leave.

“This was a real gas.” His sincerity is apparent. “Thanks for letting me join you tonight. It was great to meet you, Matt.”

“Likewise. We’ll have to do it again sometime. We’ll grab a drink, shall we?”

Over my dead body.

I walk Abe to the door alone, pausing to lean against the frame. After a quick glance to ensure Matthew is far from earshot, I turn to Abe. “What was that all about?”

“All what?” He checks his wristwatch, very nonchalant.

“You and Matthew were certainly…chummy.”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy. If I had to be here spying on you, I wasn’t going to lurk in the corner alone. That’s no fun at all.”

“Why were you working him about the hospital?” I ask, suspicious.

“I wasn’t working him. If he does give you the contact info, I want it.”

“Why?”

“This life we lead, Kat…surely you realize it can’t be permanent? It’s not forever, and it would be good to have something stable to fall back on.”

“Paul isn’t going to like you taking a day job,” I say. “Whoever will he send to spy on me in your stead?”

“Paul doesn’t own me, Kat.”

I tilt my head, considering the Abe standing before me. It’s certainly a different version than I’m used to.

“Does he own you?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“No. ”

“I didn’t think so. Not anymore at least.” His gaze flicks briefly to Matthew. “All right, Kitty-Kat, I’m going to leave now so you can say goodnight to your beau in private. Neither of us will tell Master Paul I didn’t stay all the way to the bitter end, keeping my eye on you.”

I laugh, gratified. “Goodnight, Abe.”

The billiard room is nearly empty now. Taking a fortifying breath, I return to Matthew.

“So…” I bite my lip. “Shall we go someplace we can talk?”

“Absolutely. You want a drink?” When he smiles, I know what he’s suggesting.

“Sure, but we’ll have to sneak out.”

Turns out Matt isn’t half bad at sneaking, if a little sunshine-y and giggly while doing it. The poor man has no idea what’s coming.

After we slip into his mother’s office, I’m the one to pull out the whiskey and tumblers. I pour Matthew a liberal drink. Very liberal. I keep going until the glass is two-thirds full.

“Uh-oh.” He accepts the hefty pour, frown lines appearing. “Am I really going to need all of this?”

I want to smile and laugh so much. Because he’s sweet and perfect…so very sweet and perfect. But I’m neither, nor is what I plan to confide tonight.

“You might.” I pour myself a generous drink as well, then take a fortifying pull. “I’m going to tell you some things you might not like…things you definitely won’t like, I reckon.”

“All right.” He’s nervous, but he takes another sip and waits.

“I’m not really even sure where to begin.”

Matthew leans back against the desk. “Perhaps the beginning?”

That will never do; we’d be here all night.

I tighten my grip on my drink. “You know there’s a fella in the picture, from back home? ”

“Yes. Is that fella Abe?” he asks, steady.

I love him for the fact that there’s no accusation in his eyes, no judgment or reproach when he asks it.

“Yes and no.”

“Yes and no?”

“No, because no, it’s not really Abe. There’s someone else.” I blink and press my fingers to my closed eyes for a moment. “Someone who’s quite important to me. But yes, because, in the past, Abe and I…Abe has been that guy for me. I’ve been with Abe before.”

“Been with him in what capacity, exactly?” He puts his drink on the desk.

“In…every capacity.”

Matthew falls silent.

“I’m not…I don’t know what you have or haven’t assumed about me, but I’m not a virgin.”

He exhales slowly. “I didn’t think you were. So…with Abe?”

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

“When was the last ‘sometime?’”

This, I don’t want to answer. I really, really don’t. But he stares me down with those trusting ice-blue eyes, and I make my decision. If I’m going down tonight, I’m going to do it in a blaze of truthful glory.

“My birthday,” I confess. “But…but just as friends. It doesn’t mean what you think it does. Honest.”

“Christ, Kat, that was only three weeks ago! That’s what you do with your friends ?”

He closes his eyes, and I know I’ve hurt him. He picks up his whiskey and takes a big, gulping swallow.

I’m not sure how to make him understand. Not without going back to the beginning, like he originally asked.

So I do. The story pours out of me in a desperate cascade .

“Matthew, I’ve known Abe since I was six years old.

I met him the day I found my mom dead on the floor of the Catacombs.

” The words come in a rush, tripping over one another in the haste to purge.

“I lost the only family I’d known, but I built myself a new one.

With Abe and someone else.” I omit Tony because I’m afraid to admit there’s four of us, worried he’ll figure me out.

Three men and one woman…from the Catacombs…the four wolves…

“The three of us did everything together. We had to learn how to survive, and we kept each other alive. We were just kids, but we had no one. We became each other’s everything.

And we made it through every day together.

Abe and the other boy, they took care of me.

” I fight to keep my voice steady. “They made sure I was fed every day…and when it was cold at night, they held me and kept me warm and made me believe tomorrow would come. That we would be fine.”

Matthew stays quiet, listening. His expression is grieved.

“We were closer to each other than most blood-related families can ever claim to be. They were—and still are—my everything. They’re my family , Matt. And as we got older and those cold nights came around, we started doing…other things to stay warm.” My cheeks turn red.

“All three of you? Together?” He’s wide-eyed now, a crack finally showing in his veneer.

“Yes.” I throw the admission out as bravely as I can.

He only misses half a beat before giving a shaky laugh. “Well…at least I understand now why pecks on the lips didn’t do nearly enough for you.”

“You don’t have to do that, Matt. You don’t have to pretend to be comfortable.

I know you’re not. This is uncomfortable, but I want to be honest with you.

I want to do it in a way that maybe, possibly, you can understand.

I’m not some fast and loose vamp. I’ve only ever slept with two people, and they’re the two people I love the most in this world. ”

Matthew nods slowly. “I don’t think you’re a vamp, Kat.

I think you had a very difficult life. You had difficult choices, and you did your best with them.

I don’t know what it feels like to love people outside your immediate blood family the way you do, so I’m hardly in a position to judge how you navigate it. ”

“Abe and I really are just friends—family—at the end of the day. I swear. We’re friends who happen to have chemistry, and sometimes, we end up on the make.

As just another way to express how we feel about each other, how much we love each other.

I care about Abe immensely, but not the way I care about you.

It’s not the same type of love, if that makes sense? ”

“I think it might,” he says cautiously.

“I’m not going to be with him again. Not that way, not anymore. You have my word.”

“But what about the other guy?” Matthew says, the question soft. “He’s the real problem, isn’t he? You haven’t said much about him. It’s because he’s more than just a friend to you, isn’t he?”

“He is,” I admit. “We’ve been together since I was thirteen. I’ve known him since before I can remember.”

“Are you still seeing him?”

“I do still see him. Though much less often than I see you.”

“Small consolation.”

I don’t say anything more. I’ve put as many cards on the table as I can, have laid myself bare and exposed for him. The vulnerability is awful. I look up at him, but only for a quick minute. I don’t have the courage to read his eyes. I’m afraid of what I’ll see there.

“So having said all that,” I choke out, “I understand if you don’t want me to spend New Year’s with you and your family. I’m not really who you thought I was.”

He sighs. “Of course I still want you there, Kat.”

“Really?” I raise my gaze to him in surprise .

“You were more honest with me tonight than I expected, about things that are really hard to discuss. Things I don’t know if I could say if our roles were reversed.

You’re exactly who I thought you were. You’re brave and passionate, and when you love, you do it with your whole heart.

And I’m not sure if we”—he gestures between us—“will ever get there, but I want to try. To be loved by you, Kat…it’s a privilege.

I hope he knows that, whoever he is. Because I do. And for tonight, that’s enough.”

“It is?”

“It is. For tonight.”

I shake my head in disbelief. “I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep your composure and integrity after the massive pill I just forced you to swallow, but I admire you for it.”

“I just tried to swallow it with as much integrity as you showed by sharing with me.” He reaches for my hands. “So is that everything, Kat? No more secrets?”

Don’t let him catch you, don’t let him see, my mother whispers in my ear. The hairs on the back of my neck rise, spooked.

“It’s mostly everything,” I answer.

“ Mostly everything?”

“It’s everything I’m able to share right now. I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s my entire story. Because then later…” My vision starts to blur with tears. He rises from the desk. “Later, you’ll say I lied to you. And then you’ll leave for sure.”

“Kat.” He wraps his arms around me. “You know what? It’s okay. I said it’s enough, and I meant it. When you’re ready to share more, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“Okay.” I give a tiny sniffle into his shirt.

I let him kiss me then, a tiny kiss on my cheek to swallow the single tear I let slip. But that one kiss turns into two, and two turns into three. Sweet butterfly kisses to soothe something that, deep inside me, is positively aching.

There has always been so much darkness in me, so many holes. But standing here with him, he lends me his light. And he shines it into every corner until I know I’m safe.