Page 57 of Run, Run Rudolph (Fairy Godmothers and Other Fiascos #2)

~ Tamara ~

W hen we broke apart, Haden’s hands were still bracing my face, and his lips were curved into a rare half smile. Then it faded and his eyes fogged with confusion.

“Why am I having trouble remembering?” he asked.

“Because…” I sucked in a deep breath, unsure of what he could remember, and worried that telling him the full truth would be a breach of my banishment from the magical world. Revealing everything could also set him back, rather than bring the rest of his memories forward.

I decided to risk it all, like a Vegas gambler riding on a high. Go big or go home.

“Because of Mrs. Claus.”

He looked to the side, focusing on something in the distance. Paperwork that needed to be done? An uncapped bottle of antiseptic? Or was he recalling everything?

And did it matter if he remembered everything? He remembered me, and us.

His gaze cut back to me. His voice was low when he continued, as if he feared I might be the one to label him as crazy, “So, all of that was real?”

I nodded.

“And you remember everything from last night?” he asked.

“I think so.”

“We kissed.”

“Several times,” I confirmed.

I liked that he circled back to that again. I also wanted him to announce that we’d fallen in love, too. But maybe it was a bit early for those sorts of proclamations.

His thumb brushed my cheek. There was a lightness in his eyes now, as though he’d finally received something he’d been wishing for. “We like each other.”

“Yes.”

“A lot.” I could see into his soul, and I wanted to dance and sing. I was the luckiest woman in the world. I pulled Haden into a tighter hug, listening to his heart, then lifting my face for another kiss.

His voice dropped, filled with mischief. “Are we a couple?”

I tempered myself. I wanted to pick up where we’d left off at high speed, but I also didn’t want to scare him away.

Was this how spouses felt when their true love got amnesia, and didn’t remember who they were and what they meant to each other?

“Would you like to be?” I asked.

His head angled, focusing on my mouth before lifting it to meet my eyes. I had to look away. His focus was so intense, so unreadable. “What would you like, TM?”

TM.

He’d called me that last night.

Haden could have any woman he chose. Would he choose me again in the light of day, now that we didn’t have magic swirling around us, making everything more exciting?

Did he want the quiet version of me, who loved curling up with a book or movie or saddling up a horse for a long ride through the bush?

“What would you like?” I whispered, my voice wobbling. I wanted to lock eyes and let him see how much I wanted this. But I was scared to show him how much it meant to me, and how frightened I was of losing him.

I wanted us to be a choice—his choice. No chance of magic.

His thumb traced the big knuckle of my pointer finger, slow and gentle.

“What would you like?” he repeated back to me.

I know he was asking about us, but it also felt like an invitation to finally speak all of my dreams to someone who’d listen. No judgement, no gentle corrections. He’d just listen to what was in my heart. Something I’d only recently learned to listen to.

I tried to take a half step back and break his grip, but he held me tight, flexing those strong arms that could hold a frightened goat.

“What do you want, Trademark?”

My fear felt like lava forcing its way up through my throat, ready to spew forth. I felt mocked by life, by fate, and the magical realm.

I wanted easy. For the first time in my life, I wanted a man to love me the way I was.

I wanted him to fit into my life like he belonged there, as if he was an integral, important, vital, and happy part.

I was so exhausted by trying so hard, and pretending, and putting so much into a relationship just to make it fly.

His arms gave me a light squeeze, locking me into his embrace, and I loved it while simultaneously fearing it.

“I want a life here in Eagle Ridge,” I confessed. “A full one. I want my own farm with animals. I want love. I want a man who is easy to be with, and always has my back.”

My whole body felt weak and shaky, like it had been forced to be strong on its own for far too long.

“Someone who says nice things to me, and makes me feel like I can do anything if he’s there with me,” I added.

My voice was thick and wet from held-in tears. A small voice inside my head told me to shut up, that I was humiliating myself with my raw vulnerability. But if Haden and I were going to start something, I wanted to start it off right, and in the direction that would allow me to be my fullest self.

“I want someone who cares about me and what I want,” I continued.

“Who believes it’s okay if I want something different, or if I change my mind.

Someone who believes that nothing about me needs to be changed or kept small or made bigger.

I need someone who won’t give me a weird look when I dream up something to try out an idea.

Or when I stretch and aim for something really ridiculous. ”

“And what do you want right now?” Haden’s tone was curious and kind.

“Everything! Nothing! I don’t know.” I gave a slight maniacal laugh, the feeling of being in such a vulnerable limbo testing every fibre of my newly acquired self-assurance. “I want to start barrel racing, even though I’ve never done it, and I feel too old to start, and it’s scary.”

“Okay.” He gave a short nod, like it was all taken care of. Done.

“Okay what?”

“Go do it.”

“Go do it?”

It was like the air had been sucked out of me. This conversation was supposed to be about us, not him telling me to pick up a frivolous new hobby.

“Right. I’ll just walk over to my money tree and…” I swung an arm through the air.

“You have a decent horse—old and retired, but experienced. You won’t be able to compete with her, but she’ll teach you. Slowly. And you have the space to train so you can test the idea.”

“But I want it right now. The practice barrels, the training, the truck and horse trailer.” I swallowed a hard sob. This was why I didn’t dream big. It was all so hopeless. Too much to accomplish. My stomach caved, letting me slouch. “And how did this become about barrel racing and not us?”

The skin around his eyes crinkled. “Because—” he took my hands again, and I let him, “I want a happy woman.” He snuggled my body against his.

I risked letting my cheek rest against his firm chest. His flannel shirt was cozy and soft, his heart thrumming a steady beat of calm.

“I want someone who’s following her dreams, and able to speak up for what she wants. ”

He lowered his head, resting his cheek against my crown. “In case you haven’t noticed, that woman is you.”

I shifted so I could look up at him.

“It is?”

“I might listen to every word you say, TM, but you also have to say things so I can hear you.”

I nodded. That made sense. I hadn’t always done that with Kade, and I realized it was silly that I’d assumed he’d know what was in my heart and mind, as well as my dreams.

Haden did a good job listening to me, as well as reading my thoughts and feelings. But it wasn’t his responsibility to always be the one figuring me out. I needed to make a point of sharing things that were important to me, too.

Haden stroked my cheek again, and I leaned into his palm like a cat. He let out a long sigh. “I wish you’d wanted me first. Before him.”

Kade.

“It wouldn’t have worked,” I said softly, worried that today my shared past with his brother might be a deal-breaker. “I was too young for you.”

“I know.” His sea cave eyes were flooded with light, and I could see the long-buried sorrow, longing, and years of denial.

But most of all, one thing. He was in love with me.

With me!

I pressed my hands on either side of Haden’s cheeks, staring into his beautiful eyes and gave him a gentle, loving kiss.

The idea that he’d wanted me all these years while I’d been figuring myself out, sent something swirling inside me.

I tried to drop my hands, but Haden clasped them, holding them against his five o’clock shadow before cupping them in front of his mouth, giving each palm a kiss.

“Is it weird that I dated your brother?” I whispered, almost afraid to ask.

“Yes.”

I sighed. He was always so honest with me. Couldn’t he have at least tried to kid me about this one thing?

“Hey.” He tipped my chin upward, so I’d look at him.

“I hate that it’s weird,” I mumbled, unable to meet his gaze.

“Does it matter?”

I nodded. What Haden thought of me had always mattered, and always would.

“Because it doesn’t matter to me,” he said.

“Are you sure?”

“TM, you’ve always deserved better than a half love, and I hope I can love you as fully as you deserve.”

A half love? That was such a perfect way of describing my relationship with Kade.

He had half-loved me, and he’d half-loved our life together.

And I’d half-loved him right back. The other half of our relationship had been filled with us not quite sure who we were, stuffing it full of wishes and blind stabbing around in the dark, wondering if this was what love was supposed to feel like.

“What if you and I get together and I change?” I asked.

“I hope you do. Every day.”

“What?”

“That’s what I like best about you. You’re curious about life. Everyone changes a bit if they’re still curious and growing.”

“But you’ll still be here?”

“I’ll be here no matter what today’s dream might happen to be.”

“Really?”

“That’s what love means to me.”

“You love me?” I asked shyly.

“Yes.”

It was such a rare idea, that love could stick to you no matter how much you changed.

The certainty of his conviction was novel to me, and it felt so deep-seated. It gave me the self-assurance of a woman who’d been married to the love of her life for twenty-five years. Such weighted trust, pinned and immovable.

“How can we know that we won’t grow away from each other?”

He pulled me close, giving me a gentle kiss. “Because in all the years I’ve known you, I’ve only grown fonder.”

“Even though we avoided each other for years?”

“Even then.”

“You sure?”

“You’re impossible to miss.”

“You saw me?” I confirmed, my thoughts on love still sorting into place. I knew now that you couldn’t fully love a person you didn’t truly see. Just like with Kade and me.

But Haden saw me, and he always had, even when I’d believed I was hiding. All those shared, secret looks that drove our families mad had been Haden seeing me, and me seeing him right back.

Only now, I could finally also see myself.