Page 27 of Run, Run Rudolph (Fairy Godmothers and Other Fiascos #2)

~ Tamara ~

“ Y ou want me to leave.” Kade’s expression was so down, I felt myself cave.

It wasn’t his fault he no longer believed in Christmas, and didn’t belong in this barn tonight.

And it wasn’t his fault I’d gone to the city to see more, do more, be more, and had supposedly changed on him.

Still, I was entitled to my own life, and the way I was living it made me happier than when we’d been together—even though I hadn’t yet managed to completely create the life I wanted.

Hello? Horse of my own? Where were you? Same with the farm that I could own for more than a month at a time, or the husband and kids and… I needed to stop thinking about all the goals I’d failed to reach.

But come to think of it, it actually was Kade’s fault I’d changed. He’d broken up with me the first time because he’d wanted to have more, see more, too. Jannifer Eric’s boobs, to be specific.

I’d gone off to the city and gotten a better sense of myself, what I wanted, and a snippet of the confidence I needed in order to get it. Or at least a watered-down version of it. Live it, be it, have it all.

I think the real issue, though, was that I was an introvert and Kade was an extrovert. We both felt like the other person was from a different planet.

“The two of you have a secret thing going,” he said, referring to me and Haden. “You always have.”

I tried not to look at Haden as heat rushed to my cheeks, remembering our earlier kiss and how it had felt to have Haden’s hands tangled up in my hair while we’d been lost in the moment.

I’d profusely apologized for kissing him, even though it was an unexpected experience I knew I’d think about often. Had I called it a mistake? I hoped not.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, my voice catching on the guilt that was rising up my throat.

“You like him.”

“Haden? Of course. He’s a nice guy.”

“You know he leads women on.” He pointed to Haden, whose gentle hands had formed into tight fists. “Listen to his phone. It’s always blowing up.”

“I’m a veterinarian!” Haden growled.

“That many emergencies? Do you think we’re dumb?”

“I don’t invite it.”

“You’re always listening to everyone like they matter. That’s an invitation!”

“It’s called kindness,” Haden said, his tone feeling like a roar even though he didn’t raise his voice.

“Guys,” I said nervously, afraid the brothers were going to come to blows over me. Me, someone who wasn’t even family, despite what Haden said.

Kade turned back to me. “Don’t fall for his act. You know what he’s like.”

“Kade,” I said, struggling to stay calm. I had a fleeting, quickly discarded thought of what it might cost to wish Kade away right now. “I get that you’re trying to look out for me, but can you please just go so we can work on my cat?”

Kade lowered his voice. “He’s not right for you.”

“Kade…” My entire being flamed in embarrassment. Were my secret feelings for Haden—that old crush that I’d extinguished eons ago, and was rearing up again—showing? Otherwise, why was Kade having this conversation with me? Here? Now? In front of his brother? It was beyond mortifying.

“You need someone who gets you out of your shell. He’ll let you turn into a hermit.”

“Kade… Stop!” I could feel Haden moving closer, his body as tense as a mountain lion’s, stalking its prey.

“You need to get off this farm, and get out more. A life with animals isn’t the end-all, be-all. This isn’t good for you.”

“Kade….”

“There’s a big bash on Boxing Day with some really cool people I met through an online social club.

Come with me. Meet someone nice.” He darted a look at his brother.

He’d noticed Haden, his tight fists, the displeasure rolling off him in waves, and he backed up half a step. “Someone who will want only you.”

“I don’t like big parties, Kade.”

“You don’t want to hang out with me?”

“No, yeah. Maybe? I don’t know.” He always got me so turned around. “It’s not about that.” I didn’t mind hanging out, and I still wanted to be friends with Kade, but a room filled with strangers was grossly unappealing.

“So, let’s go. It’s going to be epic.”

“You know I don’t like big, loud parties, filled with people I don’t know. Especially?—”

“You need to get over your social anxiety.”

I raised my voice. “—especially because you tend to forget about me, and then I’m stuck?—”

“I only forgot you once.”

“—in the corner talking to someone I don’t even like.”

“You need to make more friends.”

“When I go places with you, I go there to be with you.”

“Oh.” His demeanour turned perky. “So, you wanna go out?”

The man was giving me a headache. Why couldn’t he just listen to me in the way Haden did? “Kade…”

“We could go for supper. No, let’s do drinks first at the Monkey Top. And there’s this hopping new restaurant?—”

“Kade, we broke up. I’m not?—”

“I know. It’s not a date-date.”

“Back off, Kade.” Haden was growling, using a voice I’d never heard before. It sent Dolly further back into her stall, and even Santa had quirked his head, watching us.

“I don’t think going out is a good idea,” I said gently.

“We’re still friends, Tamara. We’ll always be friends.”

“Yes, but we’re also two very different people, and we want different things. And we have different ideas of fun.”

“But we had fun when were together. We went out and did stuff.”

“I know.”

“It was good for you. We had fun.”

“We did.” That was truthful. It had been fun.

But I’d also needed time at home to recharge after most of our outings.

There was only so much of Kade and his energy that I could handle before I desperately craved some downtime.

In high school, I’d known I needed to get out more, and he’d made it easy.

But why I’d ever believed he was someone I could be with long-term, I wasn’t sure.

Maybe because I didn’t understand my introverted needs back then.

And I hadn’t trusted myself enough to try to understand what I wanted and needed.

“So, what’s up? You don’t like me now?” He looked so hurt, my spirit fell.

“Please, Kade, I’m tired.” And feeling too warm in all of my outdoor gear. I tossed my mitts on the bale beside Santa. “Can we talk about this some other time so Haden and I can help Boots and go to bed?”

“Together?” Kade was staring at Haden like someone had gutted him, and it took me a minute to pick up on his train of thought.

“What? No. Not like that. I just want to call it a night. Alone.” I turned to Haden in exasperation, looking for backup on this ridiculousness.

He was always so good about not interrupting when Kade gave me the runaround, but I was tired and out of patience.

“Did you drop him on his head as a baby?”

“Only once.”

“That’s not funny,” Kade said, when a burble of laughter escaped my throat. “The two of you are always…”

“Always what?” Haden had lost his sense of humour, his hands still in tight fists—like they seemed to be whenever I tried to gently let Kade down with kindness and, hopefully, some sensitivity.

Kade had a way of railroading me into doing something extroverted without me even noticing, because I was so busy trying not to hurt his feelings. For someone so outgoing, he could be sensitive.

As for Haden, it always seemed like he was holding back from punching something, or someone.

Or was he bunching his hands to prevent himself from shaking some sense into me.

I knew what he was thinking. I was too soft.

Too patient. Not bold and direct enough.

I was too small-town. Too quiet. Too… me .

I needed to speak up for myself, have a spine, not be a pushover.

But any time I stood up, firmly and bluntly, I laid awake at night worrying about the other person’s feelings. I never wanted to be mean, and boundaries were so tricky to maintain, especially with someone like Kade.

“You don’t want me here,” Kade stated, and I sighed without thinking.

“Why can’t I want what I want? Why can’t the things I want be more important than anything else for once?”

He blinked at me for a long moment. “What do you want?”

“For you to drop this so I can take care of my cat.”

“I’ll go home if you promise to go to the Boxing Day bash with me.”

“Kade!” I exploded, suddenly out of patience. “You never listen to me, or take into account what I want or I need. I don’t like big parties!” My hands were shaking and my voice trembled. “And right now, I just want you to leave so I can take care of Boots.”

“Fine. Why didn’t you just say so?”

“I’ll help you find the door.” Haden stepped into his younger brother’s space, making him back up, moving him closer and closer to the barn door with every step.

Now that I’d spoken my piece, he no longer had that prowling vibe to him, but rather was more protector, shoulders squared as he escorted Kade out.

“Dude, I know where the door is. What are you? Her bodyguard?”

“I have a cat to heal.” Haden gestured toward my cat as though illustrating evidence. He spotted Boots being held up by Santa, who was touching noses with him, and quickly turned back to Kade, angling himself between the cat and his brother.

Boots was purring loudly and rubbing his chin and cheek against Santa’s beard.

I frantically snatched my cat back in case Kade saw something.

He’d been around the reindeer for a while now, and with that thin veil between the worlds, or whatever it was, what if he grazed a reindeer, and suddenly saw what Haden and I did?

“I have a cat to heal,” Kade mimicked, making his voice high, and very unlike Haden’s timber tone.

“Yup.” Haden’s chest was practically touching Kade’s. He reached around him and opened the door, letting in a blast of winter air along with a flurry of snowflakes.

“You’re up to something, and Tamara…”

“Tamara what?” Haden nudged Kade’s chest with his own, causing his brother to stumble over the barn door’s threshold. Wide-eyed reindeer squeezed through the doorway whenever there was a chance to get by.