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TRISTAN

I’m exhausted. The toll it takes on me mentally and physically to be in the public eye is huge. Although I wish I could hide it, and I like to think I do, I know I don’t. But only a few people see it or at least acknowledge it.

“What are your plans for the rest of the afternoon? We didn’t talk about it this morning,” Parker says as he enters my office and closes the door.

“Lia and I will be having dinner, and that’s probably about it.”

“You’ll be having dinner here?”

Reaching up, I loosen my tie and swallow roughly.

I know there are a bunch of local restaurants that would love to see us, but I know I won’t be able to relax.

There are too many variables I’m not able to control, and I don’t want to be the person who requests the entire place be closed for me.

While I do very much have that right, I’m aware of how it looks coming out of the situation we were just in. “Yeah, we’re having dinner here.”

“All right, then I’ll leave you two alone. Would you like to go up to the beach house this weekend?”

It’s not very often Parker makes that suggestion as it’s more work for him, but if he’s suggesting it, then it’s obvious I’m having a hard time adjusting.

God, I wish I could hide all of the shit going through my head from everyone, but there are people who know me well.

I should be blessed by it, but right now I see it as a hindrance.

“Let me talk to Lia. I’d love it, but I want to make sure she’s on the same page as me. ”

He pulls up the sleeve of his suit jacket and checks his watch. “What time are you planning on clocking out tonight?”

When I glance at the clock on my desk, it reads three p.m. Typically I’m here for three more hours, but I’ve had enough for the day. Being out in public, like I was earlier, takes a lot out of me. “I think I’m going to go see what Lia’s doing and head out.”

His eyebrows go up, and he nods, but he doesn’t say anything to give away his surprise. “Then I’ll make sure that you all make it to the residential side and then check out for the night myself. You know where I am, if you need me.”

I do. I make it a habit to know where he is.

In case there’s a chance I might need help, or Lia might need a quick getaway, I need to know where he and Shannon are at all times.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that. It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world to constantly be thinking of a getaway, but I’m starting to accept this is who I am now.

Things changed the moment Haldonia got bombed, and I’m not sure they’ll ever go back to what they were before.

I mean, I’m not sure they’re supposed to.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

There are moments that affect your entire life.

They may be five seconds or five months, but they can stop you in your tracks and change the trajectory of everything.

A word someone says, a global pandemic, or war.

It’s life-changing, and trying to figure out who you are after that change?

It’s not easy. In fact, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Getting up, I throw a smile at Parker. It doesn’t reach my eyes, and I know it.

Not many have for the last few weeks, and I leave my office, heading for Lia’s.

When I get there, I knock, waiting for her voice.

“You may enter.”

It’s all so proper, and I hate how I didn’t just walk in.

The me from a few months ago would’ve just walked in and to hell with the consequences.

“Hey,” I say as I walk in, and then stop a few feet inside.

Putting my hands in the pockets of my slacks, I rock back on my heels.

Nerves dance in my stomach, so different from what it was in the before times.

“Hey yourself.” Her smile is so bright I can see it from across the room. “You’re here early.” She glances down at the clock.

“Yeah.” I reach back and grasp the doorframe with my hands, holding on so that I don’t reach out and grab her.

If I touch her, then I might not be able to keep it together.

“Decided it was over with for the day. I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.

Thought we could go have dinner earlier than normal, then spend some time together.

” That hadn’t been my original idea, but as soon as I saw her sitting there behind her desk, those plans changed.

It’s been too long since I cuddled her and took a few minutes to relax.

It’s as if I’ve been in a constant state of fight or flight.

My heart hasn’t had a prolonged amount of time to rest, and I can feel it in the tightness of my chest.

Her cheeks flush pink, giving her the look of pleasure.

Back before I was drug into the situation with Crona, I saw this all the time—her looking at me with a secret smile, a twinkle in her eyes, and the knowledge that we’d be having a good time together in a few short hours.

The trauma I suffered, and her too, has changed all of that.

I’m trying to get it back, but I have no idea if I’m even skimming the surface.

“That sounds great to me,” she finally answers. “I have a couple of things I need to do, and then I’ll be ready to go. Fifteen minutes?” She raises her eyebrows.

I don’t want to go back to my office and be alone. I’m craving being next to her, not being by myself. Maybe this means I’m starting to turn a corner because I’ve had my fair share of wanting to be a loner since we came home. It’s all I can hope for.