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AMELIA

Tristan isn’t happy. He’s not sleeping well, and he seems to think he’s hiding it from me. Today, I’m going through the motions, doing everything I’m supposed to do as the queen of Haldonia. Looking through all the invitations and letters that have been sent to me.

It’s grown exponentially since the war.

So many of our younger citizens are looking toward me. Because of those addresses I gave every day. They want me to tell them that life will be better if they just stay the course.

The problem is, I can’t believe that completely this time. Not after what I saw during the war. Not after what I’ve witnessed from my husband since he came home.

“How are you doing?”

I lift my head up to where Shannon is standing in the doorway.

She’s been a steady influence since we met, and there’s no doubt in my mind she will continue to be.

Her friendship kept me from going crazy, and I’ll always count her as one of the most important people to me.

“I’m okay. Tired. Which I’ve heard is to be expected.

So far, I’m not puking, so we’ll take that for as long as we can get it. ”

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last week?” she asks, coming fully into the office and having a seat.

I do my best to avoid her as I move things around on my desk and then move them back.

It’s a nervous habit I’ve picked up since coming back into the office.

When I don’t want to do something, I start playing around with what’s right in front of me.

Trying to figure out a better display for them.

It never changes because I always go back to the first setup I had.

“A little. I know I’m supposed to use the same doctor and hospital that all the other women in my situation have used, but what’s going to happen if the hospital isn’t ready for me? ”

“I’m sure they’re going to make sure it’s prepared for you. You’re the queen, after all.”

That’s part of the problem. I don’t feel like a queen, and I don’t feel like I’m helping my husband in the way he needs me to be.

Not to mention, there are so many people in the country who’ve had their lives ripped apart.

What makes me more special than they are?

I’m struggling with that. Although I know I did all I could, it’s still uncomfortable.

“I am, but I’m having problems accepting the fact that I’m different than they are.

That they expect me to take a spot another woman might need.

My whole life I knew I was supposed to be the queen of Haldonia.

At the time, I knew there were perks, but I didn’t expect them this way. ” I swallow roughly.

Shannon reaches forward, grabbing my forearm in her hand. “There are always going to be people who think that you’re given special treatment. And you are because of who you are. However, you can’t let that stop you from getting what you need.”

“So just because I was born at the right time, to the correct family, I got lucky.”

“You did.” She leans in. “None of us know what our circumstances are, what they’re going to be, or how we’re going to deal with them.

You’ve been steadfast during all of this.

There were many times when you could’ve decided you would hide.

No one would have thought badly of you had you decided to do that. Can I be frank?”

“Yes, please. There aren’t a whole lot of people I can speak to about any of this. You know I trust you.”

“Survivor’s guilt can be crippling. I’m not here to diagnose you or tell you how to feel, but what I am here to tell you, is the country is looking to you.

They’re not thinking about how you’re getting preferential treatment.

They’re thinking about how this child you’re carrying is going to be the light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Your pregnancy might as well be the country’s pregnancy, because everyone is excited about it.

As they should be. You were able to keep us all from going crazy during those dark nights, and now you deserve some happiness.

If the country wants to be a part of that, I say let them. ”

Her words hit me right in the chest. Is she right?

Some of the women who lost everything are going to be happy for me.

Not because I am who I am, but because they want to be a part of life continuing.

We all need something to look forward to, and maybe this is what Haldonia needs.

“Okay.” I reach down, cupping the stomach that’s not exactly there yet.

“Then I’ll accept it with the grace and gratitude it deserves. ”

“Good because you deserve it, too.”

Looking at everything on my desk, I grin over at her.

“Not to change the subject, but I have more requests than I know what to do with. I need some help to figure out what to do first.” I’ve always valued her opinion, and since the war, I admire her even more than before.

“Can you help me with that? Now that I know what you were actually hired for, I’m not sure whether you really enjoy these tasks, but you’re good at them. ”

She grins as she has a seat beside me and scoots in.

“Let’s see what you have. There are some things I think should take precedent over others.

The younger people of Haldonia feel a kinship to you because of the daily addresses you gave.

They’re kind of a forgotten aspect in this war, too, since their parents came home.

I’ve been keeping up with some of the ones who were regular commenters on your videos.

As much as they needed you through the war, they need someone like you now.

It’s almost as if you’re the mother of the country. ”

My chest is heavy with the weight of that responsibility. “Do you really think they’re looking at me that way?”

“Yeah.” She nods. “It’s a lot of pressure, I know, but you’re a source of hope for everyone.”

Everyone except my husband. I wish he looked at me that way, wish he could tell me how to help him.

For the last week, he’s awakened during the middle of the night, screaming.

There’s a sorrow in his eyes. The depths of it, I know I’ll never understand.

“Thanks, I’ll keep all this in mind. I appreciate you, Shannon. ”

She wrinkles her nose. “Hey, we gotta stick together.”

That we do. As she leaves, I start looking back through the requests that have been made for my time and make a few notes about who I would be willing to meet with. But when I hear my husband walking down the hallway, I hold my breath as I wonder if he’ll come through my door or go to his office.

More than anything, I wish he’d come to mine, and we could have an afternoon like we had before the war started.