Page 25 of Risk (Mayhem Makers: MMM #3)
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
McKenna
My entire body is vibrating. What would make a woman stoop down to that lower level of hell? You don’t think about women being as sexually deviant and predatory as some men are when it comes to that way of conducting themselves. It’s unfathomable. “But you don’t know for sure that’s what happened?”
“No, I don’t. Too much time had passed, so if she had drugged me, it would’ve been out of my system by then and wouldn’t have showed up on any blood tests.
All we have are suspicions. It’s not an excuse, Kenna.
That’s not what I’m trying to do here. What happened was wrong, and I’m putting the blame where it belongs… on me.”
“If you were, that changes things, Risk.”
“No, it doesn’t,” he passionately denies. “I still accepted that drink from a woman who wasn’t you, I still devoured it… I’m guilty of those crimes, Kenna, and nothing you can say will deviate from the truth of it.”
Rolling my eyes, I say, “You’ve always had problems saying no to the opposite sex. You never like disappointing women or hurting their feelings.”
“Correction, used to . I used to have problems saying no. After that ordeal, that mindset changed,” he tells me. “I don’t suffer from that ailment anymore.”
“Unless it’s someone you trust,” I remind him.
“Unless it’s someone I trust,” he parrots.
“But those women are far and few between. It boils down to three women I’d trust that way.
Luna, Demi, and you… that’s it. Luna because she wouldn’t hurt a fly unless you hurt her man or baby.
Demi, because she had that exact thing happen to her and she’d never turn the tables and do it to somebody else.
And you… well, that doesn’t need an explanation, you’d never do anything to hurt me. ”
“Never,” I pledge. “I’d never sink to that level and do that to anyone, most especially, not to you.”
“I don’t know how to make that memory better for you, Kenna. How can we move forward when what I did is always looming in the back of your mind. How do I regain your trust so we can try to become a family again?”
“I don’t know… time maybe? Now that I understand you may not have done what you did with the intention to deliberately hurt me, it changes things for me like I mentioned earlier. I’m not saying I can give you one hundred percent of my trust, but I think we can get there eventually.”
“I have nothing but time,” he states. “If you think you can forgive me, no matter how long it takes, I’ll wait.
I’m not going anywhere, Vixen. Not even a bulldozer can force me to leave.
As far as Phoenix goes, I’m starting to comprehend here and there why you kept him from me.
I don’t wholeheartedly agree with the decision you made concerning him and keeping us apart, but if I had to choose to put him first and keep him safe no matter what the repercussions were, I’d do it. ”
Huffing, I rebut, “Don’t give me too much credit, Risk.
Some of it was payback, whether that was intentional or not, it was.
Don’t put a halo over my head, mister. I don’t deserve it.
I’m a petty bitch, and a part of me celebrated the fact that I had a piece of you that you didn’t know about.
While I was locked up in the psych ward, I changed my mind and after a time, self-loathing set in which is why once I was released I was determined to find you and tell you everything.
Even if that meant you’d take Phoenix away from me and never let me see him again.
In my heart of hearts, I knew he’d be safest with you, but I’d already made my bed and when Marshall found me, I was forced to lie in it. ”
“Fucking Marshall,” he spits out my tormentors name like it’s poison on his tongue. “I’m counting down the days until he crawls out of the woodwork and I can squash him like the bug he is.”
“Still can’t find him, huh?” I ask. “I warned y’all he has friends in places that’ll no doubt keep him hidden until he’s ready to make a move.”
“You did,” he admits, grabbing both of my hands with his and cupping them together until they’re one.
“And he may be biding time by hiding like the coward he is, but once he resurfaces, he’s going to have no other alternative than to face the jury, a panel of his peers… my brothers, and his executioner… me.”
“What about the men in his organization and his protectors, what are you going to do about them to keep the club, our son, me, and my mom from becoming targets?” I ask, needing to know the game plan. It’s crucial that I’m prepared for whatever the fallout may be.
“We’re still digging around to find out who they are. Once that discovery is made, they’ll be taken care of, Vixen.”
“Taken care of how, Risk?”
“Can’t tell you that, baby girl. I’m sorry, but–”
Lifting my head higher in the air, I set my chin in a stubborn position and finish his sentence for him. “Club business. I remember that old song and dance. It’s always felt like a ball and chain in our relationship, dragging us down. Something for you to hide behind.”
“Now, Vixen. Let’s not revisit that old argument, we were making strides here.”
“It always was a thorn of contention between us, wasn’t it?”
“Seems it still is,” he criticizes, scoffing.
Now I’m the one who scoffs when I speak, “That’s because you always said I was the most important thing in your life, but it felt like a lie when you’d use club business as a way to avoid me or answer my questions.”
His body stiffens, readying for an argument.
“You knew from day one that that’s the way things would be, Vixen.
You didn’t go into a relationship with me blind.
And you were, and still are to an extent, the most important thing in my life.
But with that being said, my club is equally as important to me.
Like you, they depend on me to keep their secrets and protect them. ”
“In my head, I get that, I really do, MC man. I wish I could get my heart onboard, though. It always gets butt hurt whenever you cite ‘club business’ and keep me in the dark.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Vixen,” he apologizes. “But it’s part of living this lifestyle, I need you to accept that or we need to halt this conversation and separate as friends, and co-parents who can co-exist together peacefully for the sake of our son.”
“I don’t want that, I never wanted that,” I convey. “I can and will get over it as long as I’m not kept in the dark when it comes to Phoenix’s welfare.”
“So where do we go from here, Kenna?”
“We rebuild what we’ve lost,” I reply. “But we need to do it the right way.”
“What do you mean by that, baby doll?”
“We spend some time together as a family with Phoenix, have date nights, and we don’t pressure each other to be who we’re not.
I want you to get to know the version of me that isn’t pretending and is fake.
I don’t want to keep things from you anymore.
If something triggers me, I want to be able to come to you and tell you about it. ”
“Can we toss in some heavy petting in there too, Vixen?”
“Yes. Making out sounds like fun. And eventually, I’ll trust myself enough to give you my body.”
“Trust yourself, not me?” he inquires.
“There’s a lot of things I need to get past, Risk.
One of those is the issue that I exposed myself to paying clients, willingly or not, I still feel dirty.
I need you to be patient with me while I navigate my way through that range of emotions.
With you and the others at my side, I think I’ll work it out sooner rather than later. ”
“I’m a man, not a boy ruled by his testosterone. If you’re only comfortable with kissing, holding hands, and over the clothes petting, then I can handle that and wait for you to be ready for more, Vixen.”
“Thank you, Risk.”
“Baby, you never have to thank me for putting what’s best for you first. We need to rebuild what we’ve lost, and if that means I have to prove myself and my fidelity to you, then that’s what I’m gonna do.”
“It’s not you I’m questioning, Risk,” I announce. “I still live in fear of Marshall finding me and snatching me. I think once that demon is out of the picture, everything else will fall into place.”
“Then I’m going to make it my mission to give you that peace you deserve. It’s my solemn vow to you.”
Bracing myself, I give him my trust by telling him, “I love you.”
He squeezes his lids shut and when he opens them, I see what he feels for me shining through his eyes. “I love you too, Kenna. More than anything else in this world.”