Page 19 of Risk (Mayhem Makers: MMM #3)
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
McKenna
“Don’t, Risk. You can’t take all of the blame for what happened between the two of us.
We’re both condemnable for what happened to us in the end.
How could we build a future on lies? I never let you see me.
Not the real me, anyway. I gave you the fakest version of myself that I could.
I tried to be upbeat and chipper so that you’d stay because that’s what I thought you wanted,” I reveal.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, but this is a conversation you two should be having privately.
For now, we need to get back on task. We need to know what happened after you left us, Kenna?
” Conan prompts, leaning forward. His eyes are full of unshed emotions.
Out of all of the boys, he and I were the closest. He’s the only one I let come close to seeing the real me.
Flaws and all because he let me see his true self on more than one occasion.
Things we held back from others we opened up and showed each other.
We’re getting to the part where I don’t have a clue on if I should confess all of my sins or if I should veer around it.
I’m conflicted. Words are pretty when they’re wrapped up in a bow, but I have to ask myself if telling them about Phoenix is the right thing to do or not.
My mind screams ‘fuck that’ but my heart coos ‘tell them the truth’.
It’s a conundrum, and I hate being the referee between the two warring factions of my psyche.
Phoenix’s cherub face flashes through my mind, and I’d love nothing more than to give him the family he deserves in the form of a mother, father, aunts, and uncles all communing under the same roof—but is it safe?
That’s the million dollar question I don’t know the correct answer to.
But that all changes when I scan the room and see a plethora of children’s pictures, their ages varying in range, hanging on the wall.
There’s even one with Kodiak and a beautiful woman who’s holding a newborn in her arms. I briefly remember Risk telling me about them adopting a group of kids into the family and Kodiak having an old lady, but I don’t recall him mentioning that Kodiak is a dad.
“Those are the kids I was telling you about on the way here,” Risk leans in and tells me.
“They’re beautiful. Congratulations, Kodiak,” I cheer even though I’m tangled up with perplexing emotions.
“Thanks, doll,” he replies with a flaming smile.
It’s a fire I don’t see being extinguished anytime in the near future.
He’s happy, they all are, and now, I really am conflicted.
If I tell the truth their lives may burn down around them and they may never recover, but if I do, and they can make things safe for us, Phoenix could have what these other kiddos do.
“Conan,” I call out his name then tilt my head in Risk’s direction. He knows the drill by now, something I say is about to cause him to explode and he’ll need to be tamed until he calms down. Which may never happen after I cause everything he knows to spiral into an abyss.
“Fuck,” Conan whispers as he knocks his knuckles against Regulator who then repeats the motion to Rev. Before anyone else catches on, they each have a restraining hand on Risk who looks perplexed.
I turn in my seat and stare into Risk’s eyes.
Like all things when it comes to him, I don’t beat around the bush because that angers him more.
Seeing the pictures on the wall and the way my boys reacted to me noticing them with smiles on their faces cemented my decision, one that I’m sure is about to blow up in my face. “You have a son.”
“What?” he whispers, a sign that he’s daydreaming about throttling me.
His eyes turn molten at my declaration. He stares at me, no he looks through me, as if I’m a complete stranger.
The boys spring into action when Risk begins thrashing against the three holding him still.
Kodiak grabs me by my shoulders and shuttles me to the other side of the room, blocking me in the corner using his bulk as a shield.
“Stay still and don’t say anything, Kenna,” Kodiak warns as his eyes stay glued to the mass destruction happening before us.
“Hurry up and tell me the rest, give me the cliff notes version.”
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I do as he asks and say, “After leaving, I was a shell of myself. I was numb to the world around me. When the bus dropped me off at the depot, I ran to my mom’s and hid.
I thought I’d be safe there, but that only lasted throughout my pregnancy.
I never told her who the dad was, I knew without y’all’s protection I was in trouble.
I was in survival mode and nothing could penetrate that.
I never left for my prenatal appointments without wearing a disguise.
I changed everything about myself. My hair color, my haircut, the way I dressed, I became a totally different person.
That lasted until Phoenix was born. I didn’t bond to him the way most mothers do, I knew if I did then he’d become a pawn if Marshall ever found out.
I refused to let him be used against me. ”
“You couldn’t let him be your weakness,” he confirms.
“Exactly. My mom thought I was suffering from postpartum psychosis since I was showing signs of depression and detachment, which, to be honest, in a way I was, so she had me admitted for observation. I was twitchy, always watching over my shoulder so they thought I was paranoid. Which again, I was. I voluntarily gave her custody so he’d be safe. ”
“What made you think he would be since that’s how Marshall got his hands on you?” he probes. “You were underneath your mom’s roof when Marshall set his sights on you. I’m not understanding the difference, Kenna.”
“My mind was warped, Kodiak. To a degree, it still is,” I acknowledge. The crashing in the background has me wincing. “Is anyone hurt? I can’t see around you.”
“You pay that no mind, Kenna. All you need to do is finish your story so I can get you outta here and take care of my brother,” Kodiak states.
“Alright. After I was discharged, Marshall was waiting for me in the parking lot. By then, all signs of me giving birth were gone. I lost a lot of weight inside the facility and my womb healed. I had no other alternative than to go with him. It was the only way I could protect my son, Kodiak. What’s funny, is that while I was in and going through therapy, I had made up my mind to find y’all and tell Risk about Phoenix.
But when I saw him standing there, with that smarmy smirk on his face, I knew I’d never get that chance.
From that day forward, I’ve been monitored.
I eventually earned weekends free so I could go see Phoenix, but by then it was too late. ”
“How?” Kodiak growls out the question. “If you had weekends free, why didn’t you take advantage of that and come find us?”
“Because I was weak. Afraid. He promised to leave my mom alone as long as I stayed in line. I couldn’t let Marshall discover Phoenix existed, that’d be disastrous for a lot of reasons.
My imagination went wild with scenarios of what he could do with my boy if he ever got his hands on him.
You don’t know what he’s capable of, Kodiak.
He’s connected to people of authority. Bigwigs that could bury a person and wipe all traces of their existence off the map.
Even entire groups, do you get where I’m going with that? ”
“You’re saying they have enough power to take us down, too, Kenna. Aren’t you?”
“Without getting their hands dirty,” I confirm. “What I did wasn’t only for Phoenix, Kodiak, it was for y’all as well.”
“I need names, Kenna.”
“And I’d love to give them to you, Kodiak, but I don’t know who they are.”
“Dammit to hell,” he hisses. “Then I need you to tell me everything you do know about Marshall. Every dirty detail.”
“It’s not much,” I inform him. “Outside of those first two weeks when I was a teenager, I never spent a lot of time with him.”
“You may know more than you think you do, Kenna.”
Before I get a chance to respond, I’m ripped from the corner and find a knife glued to my neck. “I’ll slit her fucking throat if y’all don’t leave!” Risk roars. “Don’t test me on this.”
“You can’t kill her, brother,” Kodiak says, trying to reason with him.
“I won’t, not if y’all leave,” Risk replies. “Swear to fuck, Kodiak, this is between Kenna and me. I need you all to step out of this room.”
“You lay a hand on her, Risk, and you’ll face tribunal,” Kodiak warns. “Let her go and hand me your knife.”
“Kodiak,” I whisper. “It’s okay, you need to rally the boys and give us a minute.”
“He’s unhinged, Kenna. I can’t leave you alone with him as long as he’s acting this way,” Kodiak responds.
“He’ll give you the knife, he already said he would. I knew this was a possibility, I’m ready for it. Please, Kodiak. Let me talk to him,” I implore.
“Fuck no!” Conan protests. “He’s not stable, Kenna. I’m not leaving you two in here alone.”
“Then you can stay, right, Risk?” I ask, trying to come up with a compromise. “One brother staying behind isn’t so bad, right? Risk, let him. He’ll keep to himself while we hash this out.”
Before Risk can respond, the doors fly open and a voice I haven’t heard in a very long time announces, “Honey, I’m home.”