Page 67 of Retribution

June 1st

I couldn’t pay the electricity bill. Tonight, the whole apartment went dark. Daisy freaked out because she couldn’t watch her show. She didn’t understand that the electricity is off until I can get some money together. I don’t know what to do. We barely have money for food after rent. Not that Daisy is even eating much.

June 17th

I saw John Novelle today in the street. We passed each other. I think I hoped he wouldn’t recognize me, but of course he did. He asked me how I was, said he was sorry to hear about Mark. All it took were those words and it was like I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I literally started sobbing in front of him on the sidewalk.

He was nice about it, but I could tell he wanted to get away from the crazy crying lady.

Got home and Daisy had a meltdown about the wrong cheese.

I caught myself thinking … What if things had been different? What if I’d done what Mom and Dad wanted and married John?—

Istop reading and then go back, my eyes wide.

My mom was with Johnbeforemy dad?

What if I’d done what Mom and Dad wanted and married John? I felt like a bitch as soon as I thought it. I love Daisy. I do. It’s just that, lately, the toll of her dad passing away so suddenly… Every day is a bad day for all of us. She’s not adapting to the changes very well. She’s acting out in school. Her report card was all Ds. I don’t know what to do.

I’m struggling to remember why I even called it off withJohn, but it was so long ago. Could it actually be because it was what Mom and Dad wanted me to do? Was that really the only reason? Was I really that much of a cliched teen?

June 18th

I dreamed of Mark last night. God, I miss him. I feel like I’ve betrayed him even thinking about John.

When I woke up, it was the middle of the night and there was a rat on the bed.

Jesus, Mark, I have our daughter living in a rat-infested apartment. She doesn’t talk anymore. She has bruises when she comes home from school and none of the teachers know how they get there. She barely eats.

We can’t live like this. How can we live like this? There’s nowhere to go, nowhere to turn.

June 30th

John sent me flowers! Twelve red roses along with his number.

How did he even know where we live? Maybe he and Fin have reconnected and buried the hatchet, and Fin told him?

I mean, I’m not gonna call. That would be weird.

I mean I did look him up. He married Yvonne Becket! OMG! And he has two boys around Daisy’s age. Looks like Yvonne passed away about a decade ago. Wonder why John never got remarried.

I keep wondering if maybe this was fate. Maybe I should call him…

July 5th

I called him! EEK! God, it was nice to talk about old times. We even talked about Mark. They may not have been the best of friends by the time Mark and I got married, but they were close for years with Fin. There were so many things I hadn’t remembered, so manystories I’d forgotten!

For the first time in months, I felt NORMAL. I’m glad I bumped into John. It almost seems like more than coincidence.

Would it be wrong to entertain something this soon? It’s only been a few months…

July 10th

I think Fin is sick. Something bad. He hasn’t said anything, but he hasn’t come to visit. He only calls once in a while. He sounded so faint on the phone. Like he had no energy. I hope he’ll be okay.

Daisy hasn’t said a word in three weeks. I’ve been counting the days. The school called and said she was suspended because she threw a chair at another kid. I asked them if it was the same one who has been giving her bruises. They didn’t know.

I hate this place. I hate that we had to come here.