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Chapter Forty-One

Finn

A ttachments have never come easy for me. One way or another, people let you down. My father, Lorcan’s mom, Lorcan—all of them fucked me over. Saving Carys is the only time in my life when I’ve let someone down by doing the right thing. This decision feels like shit, so it’s no wonder I’ve never bothered before. Who would choose to have their heart ripped out?

When I’m called for my first visiting hour at the federal prison, I debate having them tell Carys to go home to her kid. But the only remedy to this terrible ache is likely her, even if the relief happens through a glass partition. I’m weak, so fucking weak when it comes to her. I travel to the cubicles like a man walking the gangplank.

Yeah, I’ll feel better gazing into those whiskey eyes. Then when she leaves, my chest will burn a hell of a lot worse. She can’t stay; I can’t go.

I take the seat across from her, and we scan each other in silence. A frown mars her face, and she picks up the phone. After a second, I do the same. Already a crushing tightness threatens to make talking about anything important impossible. To be sure this is as close as I will ever get to her again is like being repeatedly punched in the nuts.

“You have a bruise on your cheekbone.” Her hand clenches the receiver so hard her fingers are white.

I smirk, trying to gloss over her concern. She doesn’t need the details. “You’re not sleeping.” I graze my knuckles across the ugly darkness blooming on my cheek. “Lucas keeping you up?” Her makeup can only hide so much when I know her so well.

“I’m getting you transferred to a different prison. I have Bradley working on it.”

“What happened to Sook?”

“I fired her.”

I stare at her, tempted to ask why but not sure I want to get into it. The things we can’t bring ourselves to say float around us.

I shrug. “This place is as good as any. Don’t trouble yourself.”

“No, it’s not. I’ve been doing research, and I can have you moved somewhere better.”

With a shake of my head, I shift the phone to my other ear. “I told you to go and be happy. Live the life we planned.”

“I can’t do that. I won’t as long as you’re in here because of me.”

“ I’m the reason I’m in here. You have no clue the shit I did before you came back into my life.”

“Sook gave me a copy of the things you pled guilty to. I realize exactly what you were up to, and I’m all out of fucks to give. You think I haven’t understood who you were this whole time? Please. Give me some fucking credit.”

A chuckle escapes me against my will. “I figured I’d be the reason his first word was fuck.”

The fire goes out of her, and a ghost of a smile crosses her lips before she whispers, “Me too.”

We stare at each other in silence. I take in every peak and valley of her face, store it away, but I can’t hold on to her image too tightly. My memory never does her justice. “You can’t keep coming here,” I say.

“How will you stop me?” Defiance flashes across her face.

“I’ll refuse to see you.”

“Are you going to do that?”

Am I? I should. I really fucking should. “How’s Lucas?”

“He’s good. On target with his developmental milestones. He’s at the hotel with Lena.”

“And Jay?”

Another brief smile. “And Jay.”

“You’re in Cape Verde now?”

“We are.”

“Long flight to be here for an hour.”

She sucks in a deep breath. Is she surprised I know the length of the flight? “Worth it.”

“It’s really not.” I lean forward and give her a taste of the thoughts raging inside me. “Every month that passes, our lives get further apart. Soon we’ll have nothing to talk about. You’ll come here so we can sit and stare at each other and remember what might have been, what we used to have.” I sit back, annoyance spilling out. “No thanks. I’ll pass.”

“That’s not true.” Her voice lacks conviction. Those whiskey eyes connect with mine, and she straightens in her chair. “I didn’t want this. I would never have agreed to this.”

“Come on, Carys. Did you think I’d let you spend years in prison while your son was out there growing up? The only thing you ever wanted was to be a mother.”

“Our son, and raising him wasn’t the only thing I wanted.”

“I understand what it means to miss a mother.”

“And that’s why I’m not incredibly fucking angry with you.”

“You’re still angry with me. But I did the right thing.”

She scoffs. “Oh yeah? This choice doesn’t seem rash and impulsive to you? Ill thought out? You’re telling me you lie awake at night thinking about how right this is? Fuck off.” Her voice breaks. “Don’t pretend like this situation is easy for you.”

The silence between us is charged as I glare at her, considering every response I could give her. None of them change a damn thing, though. I’m still in here; she’s still out there. Offering her even a grain of hope is wrong. She can cling to her anger. Easier for her to move on.

“Don’t come again.” I stand and put the receiver on the holder.

She rises with me and bangs on the glass, but I don’t turn. I can’t. I’ll cave, sit back down, continue in this circle leading nowhere. Doesn’t end, doesn’t get better.

The guard peers over my shoulder toward Carys, but since the glass is soundproof, whether she’s saying something or has left doesn’t affect me. So tempting to check, one last glance.

Down the hall and through the checkpoints, my chest grows tighter and tighter the further away from her I get. When we’re at my cell, the guard closes the door, and I lie on my bunk, listening for the lock to click.

I can’t keep looking back, and I can’t let her either. The future we might have had is gone. The lock on the door tumbles into place. Given enough time, we’ll figure out how to exist without each other. We already did it once.