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Chapter Forty

Carys

M y heart pounds, and I drum my chipped nails on the metal desk. There are two windows to the right. Outside them is a hallway. People wander past, but they’re faceless, nameless, and none of them distract me long enough to forget why I’m here, what’s at stake.

Sook is supposed to be coming in with the paperwork for a deal. Anywhere in the five- to ten-year range and she thinks we should take it. Part of me wants to snatch the deal out of her hands and sign it immediately, anything to guarantee I return to Finn and Lucas someday. The other part wants to tear it up and tell them if they listed things I actually did, I’d be a lot happier.

Happier. What a stupid, stupid word.

We were so close. So, so close. I press my fingers into my forehead and try to block out those thoughts. That path is gone. Now I have to focus on what I can get, what I can have.

The evidence and charges they’ve piled on me are unreal. Most of it, I either don’t remember doing or didn’t do.

Even from the grave, Eric is fucking me over. I’ve been trying to pinpoint when I lost my focus, but between the miscarriages and my renewed interest in Finn, I can’t recall the last time I was focused on the business. I should have quit years ago or stepped away, done something else so this steaming pile of shit didn’t land on me.

People walk past the room in a steady stream. What is taking Sook so freaking long? There’s no clock, but I’ve been waiting for hours, haven’t I? Out of the corner of my eye, there’s a familiar movement in the hallway. The man is surrounded by bigger, broader FBI agents. This glimpse of something recognizable vanishes when I look close enough.

This time, I want the scene to be a mirage, a trick of the light. His head is turned toward Sook, but I’d know those shoulders anywhere. Pinpricks dart along my spine, and I stand, my chair scraping against the floor.

“No,” I whisper.

Where’s his gun? He shouldn’t be walking around with escorts like this. Shooting people, pulling me out of this room, the two of us fleeing together, those are things he does. Not this. He can’t be here if he isn’t fighting his way through.

When his shoulders rotate, the handcuffs become visible, and panic wells in my chest. “No.” I go toward the window.

As if he senses me, Finn turns. His gaze is shuttered, but when we make eye contact, I realize what he’s done. My stomach rolls.

“No.” I shake my head and shove my hair behind my ears.

Sook leads him away from the window, and I bang on it, trying to follow them down the hall. “Get him out of here,” I scream, my voice echoing around the room, mocking me. I rest my forehead against the cool glass, my fist banging against the window, and a sob releases.

When the door opens on the other side of the table, I’m crying so hard I can’t look at whoever has entered. My chest is caving in, and it hurts to breathe. I can’t breathe.

“Hey.” Finn tugs on me, drawing me away from the window. “Hey.”

The handcuffs clink, and I throw my arms around him, burying my face into his neck. I can’t stop crying, deep wracking sobs as I cling to him.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“Please tell me you didn’t,” I choke into his ear. “Please tell me you didn’t.” I say the words over and over, but he doesn’t respond, just nestles as close to me as he can.

“I love you so fucking much.” His gruff voice in my neck restarts the flood of tears.

“We were happy. We were gonna be happy.” The last word catches on another sob. “I don’t want us to end like this. We weren’t meant to end like this.”

“You go home today to Lucas. You grab the life we planned.”

My chin wobbles. “I’m not leaving you here. I won’t leave you here. Please don’t do this. Don’t do this, okay? Don’t do this.”

He backs away from me, and his cuffed hands cup my cheeks, his pale-blue gaze scanning me. “It’s done. It’s already done. If you’d taken their deal, he wouldn’t have known you. A boy,” his voice cracks, “needs his mother.” He brushes my tears with his thumbs and kisses my forehead. “Boys need their mother.”

I hold in a sob, my chin trembling as I try to keep myself together. Tears stream down my face. “I would have gotten out, eventually.” A voice niggles the back of my brain. He’s right about my relationship with Lucas. He understands from his own childhood. Still this price is too high.

“But you—” I suck in a deep, shaky breath. “The evidence they have on you.” I stare into his eyes. “You’ll never… we’ll never…” My lips won’t form the end of those sentences.

“You’ll be safe. Lucas will be safe.”

“What about you?” I cry, clinging on to him. “I can’t—I can’t—”

There’s a knock on the door, and over Finn’s shoulder, Sook comes into focus. A man in a suit enters behind her. “Time’s up,” he says.

“No.” I hang onto Finn. “There has to be something. We can’t. No. We need more time. We need more time.” The words come out broken and garbled, desperate.

His lips find my ear. “Be safe. Be happy. Raise him up to be a good man. I love you.” His voice is raw, as though even he might be on the verge of a breakdown. Then he steps back from me, and tears run in rivers against my cheeks. He stares at me, and agony coats his face. With a tortured expression, he slides his hands along my jaw as he pulls me into one last kiss.

I clutch onto him, trying to memorize the warmth of him, his scent, the way his tongue glides against mine, his palms warm on my cheeks. Banking each thing, hoping I’ve deposited enough detail for all the days to come. When he draws back, his forehead grazes mine.

“It would have never been enough,” his rough voice whispers.

This time when he steps away from me, there’s no hesitation, and when he slips out the door forever, I slide to the floor sobbing.