Page 90 of Resonance
“Is there a reason you’re at my house when you should be at Ru’s?”
The expression on Dan’s face mirrored my own, I imagined, and I folded my arms over my chest like a brat, immediately self-conscious and defensive. “I asked first.”
“I called and texted. You didn’t answer. I didn’t want to scare you by just walking in.”
“To your own house.”
“That you’re in.” Dan cocked his head, eyeing me down the barrel of his straight, strong nose, something in his expression like buckshot salting my gut, spilling me open.
I looked away because I had to, and Dan swept in, prying my hand from its hold on the door and kicking it shut behind him.
Wordlessly, he took me by the shoulders and guided me in front of the picture window in the living room. He cupped my jaw, tilting my head side to side, thumbs sweeping over my cheeks, hitting the mottled bruise above my right eyebrow and making me wince even though he was gentle. His warm brown eyes searched me over like my skin was translucent and he was seeing straight through to everything beneath me: the muscle and sinew and bone, the thoughts that made me tick.
I drew a ragged breath, happiness and relief at seeing him storming through me with unexpected intensity. And then the black pitch that had taken up residence inside me dragged me under again.
He and Ryder were supposed to play a show tonight. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
“Goddamn you’re a petulant thing,” he murmured.
“Two sides of the same coin.” And yeah, it sounded bratty, too. I didn’t want him to stop touching me, though. “I’m really angry at you right now.”
“I know. I’m angry at you, too, but not for the reasons you think.” He spoke gruffly, but his gaze was so tender, I couldn’t bear it.
And then Dan wrapped his arms around me, and I let him. Not just let him—some tiny support beam within me that’d been keeping me upright the past couple of days collapsed at the solidness and steadiness of him, theherenessof him. I sagged against his body and choked back a sob.
He said nothing, just held me in front of that window, the bright morning light streaming in and hitting one side of my face with a detached warmth that was different from the living heat of his body and his strong arms around me.
“Shit hasn’t been going so great here,” I told him shakily, and I guess he was able to read the deeper story behind those words well enough, because I felt his chin nodding into the crown of my head.
“I know, baby.” Dan kissed the top of my head and took hold of my shoulders, leaning back and looking me over. I knew how I looked. Gaunt and unwashed and gross. I’d be embarrassed if I could muster up the wherewithal to care. “Have you eaten anything this morning?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been trying this new diet I heard about? Breatharians. They live only on air. I hear it’s quite enlightening.” The smile I attempted felt weak and unconvincing.
He grunted and squeezed my shoulder, guiding me gently toward the kitchen. “Let’s do that. Then we can get you a shower.”
A lot of questions occurred to me as he led me to the table and sat me down. Where his stuff was, what happened with the tour, how he got here.
But I stayed quiet, the wooden back of the chair cool against my bare skin and gradually warming while I listened to him rattling around as he made eggs and toast. It sounded nice, better than when the house was empty, and better than my lonely apartment. Better than anything else I’d heard since he’d been gone, really.
He poured fresh coffee into a mug and set it in front of me, then the eggs and toast.
Plate in hand, Dan sat down across from me. He moved his fork over the china occasionally, but mostly he just watched me. I got the feeling he was being patient, gauging me. Waiting for me to talk.
“I brought your old notebooks home. They didn’t get taken.” I nibbled the corner of my toast. “They’re in your bedroom. I meant to send them yesterday. Figured maybe you and Ryder could make something of them.”
Dan’s mouth tightened, and then he nodded once. “All right.”
“And I um… I was looking at job listings, and there’s some stuff available.”
He leaned back in the chair and folded his arms over his chest. “What’s going on here? You’re quitting because of what happened and you’re scared, or…?”
“I just don’t know that… I mean, what are we even doing? You know? Like literally what the fuck amIdoing? You’re on tour, or supposed to be, and I’m here letting your shop get broken into and tripping over my own damn feet. I can’t remember if I told you that or not. I was embarrassed. Maybe Ru did—but yeah, no one roughed me up or hurt me, technically. They were waiting for me to open the door; I fell for the stupidest goddamn trick in the book and then pulled a box down on myself for good fucking measure.” My voice had taken on a reedy quality, and I tried to draw a breath to keep the swarm of emotion in check, but it didn’t work. I just ended up gulping in ragged heaves. “I can’t even get on a stage without panicking, and I can hardly get through a sentence without sounding like a hopped-up idiot. You don’t belong with someone like that. You’re steady and sure and you know how to do everything and I don’t. You need to be with someone like…” I didn’t say Ryder, but that’s what I meant. “Notme. That’s not how this is supposed to go.” I put my hands to my face and took another deep breath, then let them drop away and fiddled with my fork. “Fuck, that’s not even what you asked. Sorry.”
Dan blinked slowly. Pleats formed in his shirt where he grasped the side of it near his rib cage. His voice came out flat. “How’s it supposed to go?”
I pointed the fork at him. “You’re supposed to finish your tour to mad fanfare, then go on and write a new album. Maybe solo, maybe with Ryder. Be a comeback hit. Save the shop, reopen Knoxville if you want. Stop worrying about money. And me, I get a new job and keep writing and one day maybe you hear this catchy song on the radio and when you find out I wrote it, you smile all fondly and think ‘I knew that guy way back when.’ Or maybe not. Maybe I just work as a barista and eventually find that admin job with a nice benefits package.”
Dan wet his lips and raised a brow. “So in this future we don’t even speak?”