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I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. All I did that night was think of Wes.

I thought of the crushing blow I delivered, of the pain chiseled on his handsome face.

I saw the hazel of his eyes burn like the fire of a thousand suns, and then watched that fire go out.

I didn’t distract myself. I didn’t try to hide from the pain. I embraced it. I let it consume me.

Because I deserved it.

I deserved to feel every bit of the turmoil inside me. It was my penance, and it would never be enough to make up for what I did to him. The only thing that gave me solace was that Wes would be safe. Charles couldn’t control him as long as I remained out of the picture. And that was worth it to me.

The following morning, I ate breakfast with Calista—of all people—who was reviewing the shittiest plan ever invented.

Once we had Jacob, Matias was going to do his best to separate us from Jim and Wes, while Calista was going to help us find some way off the damn peninsula.

She wasn’t going to stick around for long, though.

Her job was mostly to help Jacob and I get out of the tower and on our way.

The rest would be up to me and my brother to escape.

And I had no freaking clue how we were going to do that.

But we had to try.

At some point in the day, Matias touched base with us, checking on the plan and making sure we were ready.

I nodded, but the truth was, I didn’t think I would ever be ready for something like this.

Then, he and Calista opted for a nap since we had a seven-hour flight ahead of us to the West Coast that evening, and our actual mission was going to be a night ops.

I knew getting some sleep was probably a good idea, especially since I hadn’t slept at all the night before.

But I just couldn’t. Whenever I closed my eyes, I only saw Wes.

And it was a stab to my heart every time.

***

We left that evening at four and rode the seven hours in silence.

Jim slept. Calista disassembled and reassembled her gun a thousand times.

Wes stayed away from everyone, placing himself in the furthest corner of the plane he could.

Matias sat next to me on the flight, trying to keep my spirits up.

It was a sweet gesture, and I knew it came from a good place, but it felt so wrong.

Because every time I got the courage to look at Wes, I would catch him glancing at us, hurt lingering in his eyes before his features would harden, slamming his mask back into place.

As we came toward the end of the flight, I decided I wanted to talk to him. Even if it was only to review the mission parameters. We were co-leaders after all, and I really didn’t want our last conversation to be our break-up. Getting the courage, I stepped up from my seat and walked back to Wes.

“Hey,” I whispered as I approached him. He didn’t move a muscle, not even to look at me. “I thought maybe we could review everything one more time before we land?”

He stayed silent for a moment, working his jaw, before finally turning to face me. And it was frigid. “What’s there to review? The plan’s the same. It hasn’t changed.” And then he looked away from me again.

I worried my bottom lip. “I know it hasn’t changed, but I thought maybe—”

“Listen, Mara,” he cut me off, looking at me again with eyes as cold as glaciers.

“It’s the same fucked up plan we’ve had since day one.

We land, board the boat, jump on the dinghy, ride it to the cove, and then climb two hundred and fifty feet.

We cut through the wire fence, and then figure out where your brother is.

Once we have him, we go back the way we came.

Got it? Is that enough of a review for you? ” His tone was acidic.

I closed my eyes as I swallowed, trying to absorb the cold he was sending my way. “Yeah, I get it,” I whispered.

“Good.” He turned and looked away from me again.

Oh god, please … I couldn’t leave it this way. Not when I knew we would never see each other again. Mustering as much courage as I could, I tried one last time.

“Wes, I just want to—”

“I don’t want to hear it, Mara.” He continued to look out the window, the bitterness strong in his tone.

“I know, and I’m not here to give you any excuses.” I was pleading. I could hear it in my voice. “I just want you to know that I care a lot about you, and—”

He laughed. He actually laughed. And it was the most sardonic, pained sound I had ever heard. “You care about me? That’s…that’s something right there. That’s a load of bull.”

“Wes, please—”

He whipped around to face me. “No, Mara. Don’t please me. You had me going there. You really did. But I guess I should have figured that a Telvian would have been an excellent actress.”

Oof …that hurt.

“You know what the worst part is? I actually thought that you were choosing me. I actually thought that, after everything we’d been through, maybe…

maybe you were choosing me. And not because of some political move Sasha was putting on you, but because you actually lo—” He halted, the word hanging in the air.

And I knew exactly what he was going to say.

Because you loved me.

If only he knew how much I really did love him. And it was only at that moment that I realized I had never told him. I had never said the words I love you. And now, he would never know. The realization struck me like a fifty-pound weight, stealing my breath away.

“Wes, I’m—” He held up a hand.

“Stop. Just…just let it be.” He paused for a second, rubbing his face. “It’s my fault anyway. I should have known better.”

“Wes, please. It’s not—”

He just spoke right over me, never letting me finish. “It’s fine, Mara,” he said as he got up from his seat. “It’s fine. I should have known that…” He hesitated. “That you were never meant for me.”

My breath hitched in my throat, feeling as though I was going to suffocate. I wanted to scream, to yell that I was! That I was his and to please take me back. But I held my breath, biting my tongue.

Wes sighed a long mournful breath, leaving him looking defeated, before he glanced up at me.

And I swore I could see his eyes glimmer with unshed tears in the low light of the plane.

“I…I’m not ready to not be angry about this, but…

” He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to find the words.

“But I just want you to be happy. Even if that happiness isn’t with me. ”

My already broken heart was shattered once again. Because Wes would rather sacrifice his own joy to make sure I found mine. And I…I didn’t know how to handle that. All I knew was that I didn’t deserve him.

Wes stepped past me, gave me one last long look, and then said, “Goodbye, Mara.” And I knew what he meant.

He wasn’t saying goodbye to me physically…

we were in a goddamn plane. He was saying goodbye to us , to our short-lived romance that I had strangled in my attempts to save him. And it was the best I was going to get.

“Goodbye, Wes.”

I watched as he walked toward the front of the plane, a piece of my soul going with him as he left me behind. Wes wasn’t mine anymore, and that knowledge broke me all over again. But I would always be his, even if he didn’t know it.

Always.