Page 22

M y gaze fell upon deep brown eyes, warm skin, and wavy blackish-brown hair that framed a boyishly handsome face. My heart sputtered in my chest, feeling as though it was about to give out. “Matias…”

His eyes met mine as a small smile turned one corner of his lips upward. “Don’t sound too happy to see me,” he teased, but it was weak and forced. I could hear the pain hiding behind his words. Hurt crept in and snaked through his tone.

My cheeks colored. Did he know? “Hi,” I said too quickly. “Hey, um, wow. What…what are you doing here?” I wanted to kick myself. It all came out too fast, too rushed. Like I was guilty of something and had been caught red-handed.

But wasn’t that the case? Was I not guilty of agreeing to marry someone else?

His gaze fell to the floor as he shook his head. “Wow…it’s been months and all I get is ‘ what are you doing here ?’” It came out sharp, a tickle of annoyance seeping in.

I narrowed my eyes slightly, but decided a fight was not what I needed at the moment.

“I’m sorry. It’s just, I’m surprised and so much is going on right now.

” I backed away from the door. “Why don’t you come in?

” I walked further into the room, hearing him follow me and then the door closing.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked as I turned around.

“Edith.”

“Oh.” Well, that tracks . Leave it to Edith to set me up and not even warn me about it. I swear that girl was going to be the death of me. I brushed a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. “Um, how did you find me in here?” A nervous laugh escaped me. “This place is like a maze.”

He looked around the space, face void of any expression. “Wes and I used to hang out sometimes. Nice room.” I watched as he took in the space and drunk him in because never in my life had I seen Matias in regular clothing.

The gray t-shirt sat on his frame comfortably, while his black skinny jeans highlighted all the right places.

The familiar sensations of heat, rapid breaths, quickened heartbeats, and excitement brewed from desire filled me.

In just those couple of seconds, I was back on the mountain, overlooking the world, wrapped in his arms with lips that kissed me hard and fast.

He cleared his throat, bringing me back into the present. “Yeah, it’s super fancy.”

He glanced at me, eyes blank. He tried a smile, nothing but the curve of his lips, but it looked wrong and forced. “Is this what your room was like at the Presidential Palace?”

“Uh, no. No, my parents gave me the smallest room in the house.”

He nodded. “Right…”

Silence.

Oh god, this was weird. Like super, super awkward. I cleared my throat as I sat on the edge of my bed. “How’s Chelsea?”

That perked him up, causing him to stand a little straighter. “She’s okay, I guess. She’s making some progress.”

“That’s good.” I meant it. Chelsea was a major pain, but ultimately, she was a good person, and I owed her my life. “Do they know what’s wrong?”

He took in a deep breath, his eyes shifting away from me. “No.” It was a simple answer, but I could hear the pain hiding in the depths of that single syllable.

“I’m sorry.”

He didn’t reply, and the silence encompassed us again. My insides crawled, and I was pretty sure that a baboon had taken residence in my stomach, and boy was he wreaking havoc in there.

“How have you been?” he finally asked after a few seconds.

“Fine. Busy, but fine.” It was a big, fat, bold lie. I wasn’t fine. Not even close to fine. My brother was doomed to die, and I had just agreed to marry Wes! And then, on top of it all, there was Matias and the insanely weird awkwardness that was nothing like us.

This wasn’t me. This wasn’t him. This just wasn’t us, and I was hating every second of it.

I looked over at him, watching as he placed his hands in his jean pockets, thumbs sticking out, shoulders slightly rolled forward.

As tempting as he looked, he also looked old in a way.

Like the last few months had aged him years somehow.

And he looked tired…the lines of his face telling a story of heartache, woe, and stress.

And boy, did I understand what that felt like.

“Are you mad at me?” His voice came out haltingly as his eyes traveled to meet mine.

And though his eyes carried the strain of a thousand years, in that moment, I was reminded of how young we both really were.

Eighteen, risking our lives to protect the people we loved and being forced to make choices we didn’t a hundred percent agree with.

I opened my lips to tell him no , to reassure him that things were fine between us, but the words wouldn’t come out. Because it wasn’t fine. None of it was fine. And I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore. “I don’t know.” It was the most honest answer I could give him. “Are you?”

His eyes flickered, the silence stretching before he finally shook his head. “No.”

Quiet fell between us again, time ticking away as we stared at each other, neither one of us sure of what to do or say next.

So I put my big girl pants on, swallowed the lump forming in my throat, and asked the question that had been bugging me the moment I saw him on the other side of the threshold. “Did Edith tell you?”

His brows knitted together. “Tell me what?”

“About what Sasha promised the North?”

“She told me you were living here now.”

“Yeah, but did she tell you why?” I wasn’t ready for this. I knew it was coming, that it was bound to happen, but I just wasn’t ready.

“Yes.”

One word and my heart shattered. It splintered into a million different pieces, and all I could do was rub my palms on my thighs, fighting back the tears that threatened to send me into a blubbery mess.

“How…how are you not mad at me?” I thought for sure he would have had all kinds of emotions about this.

The fact that he didn’t…well, it kind of hurt.

He took in a deep breath through his nose, releasing it slowly through his lips before he spoke.

“Because…” he hesitated, and I got the feeling that what he was going to share next wasn’t going to be something I was going to particularly like.

“I had a lot of time to think over the past couple of months. And I had some choices I had to make too.”

He took another deep breath, closing his eyes as he prepared to drop whatever bomb he had ticking away in his soul. Then he squared his jaw and faced me. “Chelsea needs me. I’m the only thing she has left, and I can’t leave her to fight whatever the hell she has going on by herself.”

“You chose her, didn’t you?” My feelings for Matias were complicated.

I was angry at him for shooting my brother, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t still like him.

But there were also times where I felt a strange numbness when I thought about him, and that confused me too.

Despite the messiness of it all, I always hoped that we would be able to work through it, figure it out, and maybe go back to the way things were.

Hearing him now, listening to him tell me this… it stung.

His eyes flickered, moisture glistening as he frowned. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know what to say to explain it to you.”

“Wait a minute. Have you been purposely avoiding me?” I stood up.

“I didn’t want to hurt you—”

“And you thought that ghosting me was a better alternative?”

“I know you’re mad—”

“Screw being mad,” I cut in. “I’m not mad, I’m hurt.

I kept making up excuses about why you’ve been MIA all this time, only to discover that you’ve been intentionally ignoring me?

” He remained quiet, and to his credit, he didn’t even try to defend himself.

He just listened, taking it. “No wonder why you’re not pissed about this whole betrothal thing. You dumped me weeks ago.”

He sighed gruffly. “Come on, Mara. It’s not like that. It’s not like I wanted all of this to happen.”

I walked over to him. “But it did, Matias. It did. And you didn’t even have the decency to tell me.”

His eyes hardened, staring me down. “Yeah? Well what about you? Huh?”

“What about me?”

“If you thought we were still a thing,” he pointed a finger at the door, his voice slowly rising, “then why did you agree to marry him?”

“I didn’t have a choice—”

“That’s bullshit, Mara. That’s total BS and you know it.”

“You think I want to marry Wes? For real ?”

His eyes narrowed, brows pinched. “Sure looked like you guys were getting close as you prepped for that mission.”

Oh. My. God. “ Seriously? ” I threw my hands up in the air, taking several steps away from him. “You could have volunteered for that one too, Matias. Last time I checked, you left me out to dry.”

He huffed, crossing his arms. “Yeah, to save the asshole that sent Chelsea to the Institute.”

“He’s not an asshole. He did what he thought he had to to save me.” This conversation was deteriorating fast.

“Whatever…”

“Ugh!” I ran my fingers through my hair, the bun loosening, resisting the urge to pull it all out.

“You don’t get to judge, Matias. You don’t get to judge him, and you sure as hell don’t get to judge me.

You’re picking Chelsea because you care about her, right?

And you’re sacrificing what we had for her?

Fine ,” I spat out. “I get that, I really do. But you don’t get to turn around and cast stones at me for doing the same thing. ”

My anger, laced with hurt and frustration, bubbled and boiled within me.

I wasn’t happy about the choice I made, but I didn’t regret doing what needed to be done to secure help in rescuing my brother.

But Matias showing up, telling me he was dumping me, and then turning around and throwing shade was not going to fly.

If there was one thing I was quickly learning from this rebellion, it was that you couldn’t trust anyone . Everything was a freaking ruse, a trick, a scheme meant to peg you in a corner and trap you, only to benefit their own cause. Oh no…I didn’t think so.

Silence fell between us, and all we did was stare, holding each other’s gazes, with shallow breaths and wildly beating hearts.

And it hurt, because as mad as I was at him, it pained me to know that he felt betrayed by me .

But it also pissed me off to no end. Because I wasn’t the one that backed out of the relationship first. I wasn’t the one that disappeared, never to be heard from again.

I wasn’t the one that watched the other go off on a mission—quite possibly to their death !

—and didn’t so much as say goodbye or wish them luck.

No…that wasn’t me. He did that. He did that all on his own. And I wasn’t going to take ownership of crap that didn’t belong to me. I had enough emotional baggage to carry around for a lifetime, and enough demons to haunt my soul for years to come. This was on him.

The energy in the room felt like it was crackling, like any slight bit of friction would cause the entire space to combust. And then, as tense and as hot as it was, it all just collapsed with a simple phrase spoken from the boy that captured my heart on day one.

“That’s it, isn’t it.” It wasn’t a question.

I blinked, feeling the tightness in my chest grow. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”

He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he shook his head, eyes flickering with so many emotions, I couldn’t possibly catch them all. But I caught one…

Resolve.

Matias took a step backward, his arms still crossed. “Well, then I guess this is goodbye.”

Was this really it? Was this really how it was going to end?

Before I could muster a single sound, Matias was gone, leaving me alone with all my demons.