Page 12

11

O pal glanced over at Renard.

He was awfully quiet. Which seemed to be an unusual occurrence for him.

His hands were also tight around the steering wheel of his truck. He’d been pretty quiet since she’d told him that she’d hurt her back last night.

And she wasn’t quite sure why.

Yeah, she got that she’d fucked up. But why did he care? She’d expected an admonishment from Saxon. Maybe a punishment or for him to kick her out of the club.

Which would damn well suck as it was the best BDSM club she’d ever been to. Filled with mostly decent people.

After Saxon had made sure that she didn’t need a doctor, he’d disappeared.

Then Renard had steered her out to his truck and carefully helped her get into it.

And now here they were.

Sitting in fucking silence as he drove to her place.

Something she did not like.

“So, are you going to do it or what, because I’m getting real tired of waiting.”

“Do what?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Yell? Tell me what an idiot I was? That I made a mistake? Are you gonna tell me why you’re mad at me?”

“Not mad at you, Opal.”

Yikes. She was Opal not Gem?

She didn’t like that. Not one bit.

“If you say that you’re disappointed in me, I’m gonna have to remind you that you’re not my Daddy. He fled before I was even born. Took off for pastures greener and I’ve never seen hide nor hair of him. But if you say it, then I’m likely gonna tell you that you’ve got about as much right to be disappointed in me as he has.”

“Really? I’ve got as much rights as a no-good asshole who abandoned his baby girl?”

Well, hell.

She hadn’t thought that through properly, had she?

“I might have just realized that I spoke too hastily and without thinking,” she muttered.

“You think?” he said sarcastically. “Because I think I have a damn sight more right to be disappointed in you, Opal. Although what I feel isn’t really disappointment so much as worry. What were you thinking?”

What was she thinking?

That was the question, wasn’t it? What had she been thinking when she’d said yes to dating the football hero at her school? What the hell had she been thinking when she’d gone to that dance? What had she been thinking when she’d said yes when Stefan asked her out on a date? What had she been thinking when she’d agreed to the deal he’d given her? Why had she thought that being with Stefan would be better than being in a jail cell?

What had she been thinking?

Truth of it was that she wasn’t certain she’d ever thought straight. Not until she’d helped the two girls that had become her family escape hell.

And tried her fucking best to keep them safe ever since.

That responsibility sat heavy on her gut.

So, yeah, she didn’t know what she’d been thinking tonight. She opened her mouth to say something bratty. Something that would likely send him running. Because most men couldn’t handle her attitude or her mouth.

“Maybe I was just hoping for a few hours where I wouldn’t have to think.”

Shit.

Fuck.

Why’d she go and say that? Why’d she have to open up like that?

“Or maybe I just wanted to be a bitch,” she added with a grin.

He drew up her driveway and she reached for her buckle, trying to stifle her wince of pain. It didn’t really work though, as a small, pained gasp left her mouth.

Fuckity fuck.

Her back was really fucked now.

“Don’t be doing that,” he told her quietly.

“Doing what?” she asked, just as quietly. “Unbuckling my belt?”

Hmm. Look at them. Both managing to lower the decibels of their voices for once.

“That too, since it obviously hurt you. I haven’t forgotten about your back.”

Lucky her.

“Don’t call yourself names. I said I wouldn’t put up with you calling yourself a whore and I’m not going to put up with you calling yourself a bitch. And there ain’t nothing wrong with wanting to shut down your brain for a few hours.”

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t even manage that. Screwed it up like everything else.”

“You know if you want a spanking, you just have to ask,” he said mildly. “I’m happy to oblige. Nothing I like more than spanking a sub’s ass. But that sub doesn’t actually have to brat if she’s wanting a spanking. All she has to do is ask nicely.”

“You . . . you . . . what?” she squeaked.

“No one’s told you about me? About what I like at the club?”

“I’ve never even seen you at the club,” she told him honestly.

“No, I haven’t been in a while. I’m a sadist.”

She jerked in surprise and then groaned.

Why the hell did she do that?

Before she could muster up the breath to protest, he had her belt across her and buckled in.

“Right. That’s it.” He started up the truck again.

What was what?

“What are you doing?” she asked. “Where are we going?”

He was backing out of the driveway, and he was doing that really sexy thing where he put his hand on the back of her seat so he could turn and look where he was going.

Lord.

Fuck.

Hot.

What was wrong with her?

“Taking you to the doctor,” he replied.

“Uh, no, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“The clinic isn’t even open! It’s the early hours of the morning.”

“Good point. Luckily, I know where Jenna lives.”

“You’re going to take me to her house?” she cried.

“Yep.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because you’re in pain and I don’t like it. There’s a lot of things I don’t like, Opal. And that is right up at the top of the list.”

“How long is this list?” she asked curiously.

Damn it, Opal.

Focus.

But she couldn’t help but wonder . . . like, if it was five items long being on the top of the list wouldn’t be a big deal. But if there were twenty things on it . . .

“Last count? A hundred and eighty-three.”

“You have a hundred and eighty-three things that you don’t like?” she asked.

“Yep.”

“Is there anything you do like?”

“Sure.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“Your smile.”

Oh. Hell.

That sucker punch was a good one even though it stole her breath.

She had to force herself to focus back on what was happening.

“I don’t want to go to the doctor, Renard. I really don’t want to go to Jenna’s house and wake her up. Especially when this isn’t an emergency. It’s just a sore back. I don’t need to see the doctor.”

“Don’t like you being in pain.”

“Pretty sure Jenna doesn’t have an instant fix. And it will probably feel a lot better if I get some heat on it and lay down, which I can’t do if you’re lugging me all the way across town.”

He grunted.

She wasn’t sure if that was agreement or not, but then he drew the truck over and did a U-turn.

“Thank you,” she told him. There was a long pause. “Soo, you like causing people pain?”

“I enjoy the control. I like giving people what they need. There’s a number of people that go to Saxon’s especially to see me. Men and women who want some pain, who need it. I’m not a damn therapist. I’m a guy who’s good with a whip and a paddle and who likes to cause pain. But only to someone who wants it. I hate tears any other time. You should know that for future reference.”

“Um, are you telling me not to cry?” she asked.

“Unless it’s during a scene, yes.”

“Pretty sure that you can’t just tell someone not to cry,” she told him. “And I’m not really a crier, but I’m willing to bet that there will be instances where I cry in the future.”

“Not liking that at all,” he grumbled.

Okay.

Why did she now feel like smiling? It felt like she was going through a full gamut of emotions.

But the petulance in his voice over the idea of her crying . . . except when she was in a scene . . . yeah, it was making her grin.

“You can’t control everything, you know,” she pointed out gently.

“I don’t know. I think I can try.”

A giggle escaped her.

“Why are you laughing?”

“It’s just . . . you sound so put out over the idea of me in tears.”

“I just don’t want you to be upset.”

Okay.

That was sweet.

He just kept surprising her.

“Unless you’re causing the tears,” she said huskily.

“Yep, by paddling your ass.”

“Have I scared you?” he asked.

“I don’t scare easily,” she replied.

“That isn’t answering my question, Gem.”

She took in a deep breath, wincing again. Damn, her back hurt. It hadn’t been this bad earlier but something about the way Dean had grabbed her had tweaked it.

“I don’t think I’m a masochist.” This was a weird conversation to have. Weren’t they just friends?

“I didn’t think so,” he replied calmly. “And you don’t have to be one.”

“Right. I mean, we’re just friends, right? So it doesn’t matter if you’re a sadist and I’m a brat looking for a Daddy figure.”

“You want a Daddy Dom?” he asked.

“Hmm. Maybe? I don’t know. I like what one represents, but I’m not . . . I’m not a Little. I don’t necessarily need to call someone Daddy. But I like the idea of someone who isn’t afraid to call me out when I go too far. Who can handle my sassy side but also realizes that . . . that . . .”

“That you’re vulnerable under that prickly exterior.”

“I mean . . . yeah.” She gulped. “You understand me well for someone who’s only been my friend a week.”

Renard grunted. “Sometimes I think I can see bits of myself in you. Although I’m not vulnerable on the inside. Prickly all the way through.”

Uh-huh.

She definitely didn’t believe that. But she wasn’t going to sit here and argue that he had a marshmallow inside.

At least he did for some people.

“Guess I like the idea of someone who isn’t afraid to take me in hand when I need it, who won’t let me roll right over them, but won’t take things too far. Won’t be too cold or too Dominant. Who knows how to be . . . nurturing? Maybe? I don’t know.”

He was silent for a long moment. “It’s not my strongest point.”

“What isn’t?” she whispered.

“Being nurturing.”

“I don’t know. I think you’ve got it in you.” She’d meant to tease him, but instead it came off with a hint of longing. She cleared her throat. “I mean, you can be nurturing with people, look at you with the baby.”

“She’s a baby,” he said. “This is different. Don’t know if I know how to be nurturing, but I could try.”

“You could . . . try? Why would you try?”

And why was her heart racing? Why was her stomach bubbling with nausea and nerves?

He cleared his throat. “Could try for you, Gem.”

“As a friend?” she queried.

“Hmm. I was thinking of something else.”

“As a . . . as a scene partner?”

“Nope. Try again. And clue in, Gem. I’m getting older by the second, yeah? Don’t have time for pissing around. Didn’t want a woman in my life. I’ve got plans that don’t include having two rockers on the front porch.”

Ouch.

Shit.

That was a sucker punch she hadn’t been expecting.

“So you want to get involved with me for the short term?”

What were those plans? And why couldn’t there be another rocker? She could buy it if she needed to.

“Maybe, I guess. Not sure exactly what I’m thinking if I’m honest. I know I likely sound like an asshole right now and if you want me to drop you off and leave, then I get that.”

“I like honesty.”

Although his brand of honesty might make her cry. Which, apparently, he hated. Unless he caused the pain that made someone cry.

He pulled up outside her house again.

“Good. Right. Here’s the thing. I wanna be more than friends, but I don’t want to go into this with you thinking it’s a fairy tale, live happily-ever-after thing. Because I don’t know that I have that in me.”

“So this is . . . sex? And play?” She was so confused.

“It’s fucking not,” he said hotly.

“You are so freaking confusing!” She burst out. “Just say it.”

“Want you to be mine for however long this works out. Which might be weeks, might be months, or a bit longer. But I can’t promise forever or an extra rocker on the front porch.”

Ahh.

Okay, she was starting to get it. And while some women might get mad at what he was saying, she wasn’t one of those women.

Because she understood. And she appreciated the honesty.

“Nobody can promise tomorrow, not even God,” she said. “Not in my view, anyway.”

“You’re not mad?” he asked, sounding surprised.

“No. I really do understand. You want something more than friendship, more than sex, but you’re not talking a white dress and forever.”

Sure, there was a part of her that couldn’t help but feel like she was never going to get that white dress and forever.

But maybe that was the way her life was meant to be.

Perhaps she wasn’t destined for forever.

Because she didn’t really deserve it.

She got it.

And she wasn’t mad.

So why didn’t he feel happier about that?

Maybe because you can see Opal sitting on a rocker next to you on that front porch and you like it.

Fuck.

What was wrong with him? He opened his mouth to try to add more. To tell her that maybe that extra rocker was a possibility but then he shut his mouth again.

If there was one thing he hated, well, let’s face it, there were a lot of things he hated, but one thing he really, really hated was wishy-washy people. And he wasn’t about to be one of those people. It didn’t matter that she seemed to turn his brain to mush.

He wasn’t going to go back on what he’d just said.

“Well?” he asked. “What do you think?”

“I have to give you an answer right now?” she asked, sounding amused.

“Like I told you before, Gem, I’m not getting any fucking younger.”

She snorted. “Neither am I, darlin’.”

“So? You got an answer?”

“Yeah. My answer is that I really want to kiss you, but turning that way is likely to hurt my back and then there’s a possibility that I might cry because I’m in a whole lot of pain right now. So I’m just gonna say it. I’d like to date you, to kiss you, to fuck you when I don’t feel like my muscles are on fire, and perhaps even scene with you.”

Leaning over, he cupped the side of her face and turned her head toward him. Then he kissed her. He kept it light and quick.

But it was really fucking hard to pull back because she tasted like sugar and spice and he really wanted more.

“Fuck, baby, your lips are delicious.”

“They are?” she said.

“Yep. And I’m going to want more of that once you’re not in pain.”

“I don’t really hurt when you’re kissing me.”

He hadn’t expected that sweetness from her and didn’t expect the punch of happiness that fizzed in his stomach.

When was the last time he’d felt any sort of happiness?

He couldn’t remember it had been that long ago. Maybe back before Mary-Anne had left him.

He thought she’d taken that part of him with her. Turns out, maybe it had just been in hiding, waiting for this girl.

“Let’s get you inside.”

Renard climbed out of the truck and raced around to the other side, opening the door.

He didn’t like that she was hurting. Didn’t like that there wasn’t much he could do about that. Didn’t like that she’d been at the club without him.

Definitely didn’t like that she’d been scening with another Dom.

Who he was gonna have to track down and have a small chat with.

He helped her out of the truck, and she stood there, breathing heavily. He grabbed her monstrosity of a handbag, putting it over his shoulder.

“Here. I can take it.” She reached out a hand for it.

“Don’t be dumb,” he told her. “I know you’re smarter than that.”

“I’m not so sure that I am. Smarter than what?”

“Smarter than to think that I would let you carry this handbag when you have a sore back and it weighs more than a small cat.”

She snorted. “It does not.”

“Gem, I’m carrying it. It definitely does. Want me to carry you too?”

“Uh, no.”

“Then how can I help?”

“Maybe . . . could I hold your arm? And can I move slowly?” she asked.

Fuck.

She had no clue, did she?

“Do what you fucking want, Gem. You could ask me for the fucking moon and I’d give it to you. And damn that sounds cheesy as hell. I hate cheesy people.”

“That’s on the list, huh?” she said with amusement as she slowly moved up the footpath and porch.

“Yep. It’s on the list. Your key in your handbag?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “On a bright pink pompom. You can’t miss it.”

He drew it out and unlocked the door. She shuffled inside and headed right over to a comfortable looking sectional. That would have been more comfortable if it didn’t have a mattress leaning up against half of it.

She sat with a sigh and stared up at him with weary eyes. “Thanks for bringing me home.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Is that you kicking me out?”

“Do you want to stay?”

“If you want me here, I’m staying. I know you understood what I was saying before, baby. But you don’t have to be happy with it. You can be mad. You can still tell me to get lost if that’s what you want.”

But he really fucking hoped it wasn’t.

Tell him to get lost?

Was he nuts?

“But I don’t want to,” he added. “That might make me an idiot, however I’m not sure I’ve ever been the marrying type. I’m not the sort of girl you take home to meet your parents.”

Every guy she’d been with had known that.

Although it had taken her a while to clue in.

“Who the fuck said you’re not the type of woman to take home to parents?”

“Um, Renard, you just told me that you didn’t have marriage in mind.”

“And that has nothing to do with you! It’s everything to do with me. I’m a volatile asshole. I’m not easy to be around. I’ve got my moods, most things annoy me, and I . . . I have a past that’s not pretty.”

“That’s something we have in common, then,” she told him. “My past is as battered and dirty as a sedan in a demolition derby.”

His lips twitched. “I don’t mind dirty and battered. You need to know it’s not you. I’ve just had my plan in place for a while. I’m going to get myself a cabin in the woods. No one around. Just me. I want the peace . . . solitude. A place that’s just mine and I don’t have to deal with people.”

“Sounds . . . quiet.”

And kinda boring as hell.

“Just nature and the animals.”

Yeah. That sounded good for a weekend away. But a life of that?

She’d go batty.

Their plans definitely didn’t align, since she needed people around.

“That’s not going to happen for a while, though. And no one else knows my plan and I want to keep it that way. I wanted to tell you my plans because I don’t want you to think I’m playing with you. You could find a sure thing, Gem. A forever. And they would be proud to take you home to their parents. Hell, I would be. If they were still alive.”

She sucked in a breath. She wanted to tell herself that they were just words, but while she hadn’t known this man long, she did know that he always meant what he said.

“You mean that?”

“Course I do. Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it?” He gave her an incredulous look. As though he couldn’t understand why anyone would ever say something that they didn’t mean.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

He crouched down in front of her, placing his hands on her knees. “Haven’t been able to get you out of my brain, Opal. Keep thinking about you, worrying over you. Hell, I’ve been driving past your house every night just to make sure you’re safe.”

Her eyes widened as she gaped at him. “You’re joking?”

“Nope. I would try to go to sleep, to relax, but I couldn’t do it and so every night I’d drive by. Tonight, I even knocked on your door. Then I went by Dirty Delights. I need your phone number, by the way. That asshole, Devon wouldn’t give it to me.”

“You went looking for me?” she asked. “Is that why you ended up at the club?”

“Ahh, not exactly. But I’m glad I did.” He scowled. “Choosing that idiot to scene with was a big mistake. The guy had no clue what he was doing.”

She sighed. “I wasn’t very fair to him. I can be . . . challenging.”

“Don’t care if you’re a rooster dressed as a chicken, the guy had no clue. And if he didn’t think he could do the scene, he should’ve told you. I take it you told him what you wanted.”

“I did. But I didn’t tell him about my back.”

“Which you need painkillers for.” He stood, glancing around. “There a reason why there’s a bed in your living room?”

“You noticed it, then?”

“Kind of hard to miss, Gem.” He folded his arms over his chest. “This the reason you have a sore back?”

“Sort of. I decided I wanted to get rid of the carpet in the spare bedroom. So the other week I moved all of the furniture out of the bedroom and into here. Then, last night, I couldn’t sleep so I decided to rip up the carpet. I rolled it up and got it outside to the shed. It was when I was trying to get it into the shed that something kind of pinged in my back.”

“Kind of pinged? Did you happen to think that might be the time to stop carrying around a heavy roll of carpet?”

“I did,” she said slowly. “But I also wanted to get it into the shed.”

“And you didn’t think to, oh, I don’t know . . . call someone?” he asked.

“It was around three in the morning by that stage, so no.”

He muttered something to himself which sounded a lot like a prayer as he ran his hand over his face. “Swear to God, girl . . . why didn’t you leave the carpet where it was? Someone else could have moved it today.”

“I didn’t want it to look messy. Everyone on this street is so . . . neat. It’s infuriating.”

“Don’t think anyone is going to have a coronary over a bit of mess for a few hours,” he told her. “I also didn’t think you were the type of person to worry about what others think.”

“Neither did I until I moved into a cult. I swear they hook you in with all these wild promises . . . and then they follow through on those wild promises.”

He shook his head. “You got some drugs?”

“Nope.”

“What? What painkillers have you been taking?” he asked.

“None.”

“What?” He gave her a shocked look. “Why haven’t you been taking painkillers?”

She swallowed heavily. “I don’t like them.”

“What? You don’t like taking pills? You got some liquid stuff?”

“Um, no. I don’t keep anything like that in the house.”

“Does it make you feel sick? Have you been to the doctor? They might have some alternatives you can take to Tylenol or whatever.”

“No . . . I . . . shit. I don’t want to tell you this.”

“Gonna need you to tell me. Because I’m this close to calling one of the docs and getting them over here to do what they can to ease your pain.”

“It’s not that bad. Just a pulled muscle or something.”

He moved back to crouch in front of her. “Why don’t you like taking painkillers? You’re obviously hurting and what happened tonight didn’t make it any better.”

“It really wasn’t Dean’s fault,” she told him.

“Don’t speak his fucking name,” he growled.

She sighed, shaking her head. “I should have told him about my back. And I should have told him that I can get pushy and that I need someone to . . . to take control.”

He snorted. “Like Dean the dick could do that.”

“Renard,” she said firmly. “He’s not a dick.”

He crossed his arms over his wide chest.

“Damn it. Are you trying to distract me with your arm porn?”

“I wasn’t . . . but I’ll keep that in mind for later. Let’s ignore Dean the dick for the moment. Why haven’t you taken any painkillers?”

She glanced away. “I haven’t told you much about my past.”

“Haven’t told you much about mine either, Gem.”

Opal nodded. “Right. But there’s stuff you should probably know before . . . before we get into any sort of relationship that’s more than just sex.”

“What’s happening is about more than just sex. Could get sex at the club if I wanted, but I don’t. Because I’m not young and dumb anymore. I don’t go to the club to get my dick wet. I haven’t had sex in years. Not since my wife left me.”

“You were married?” she asked. “For how long? What happened?”

“Her name was Mary-Anne. We were married for ten years while I was a Marine. Then my whole team was killed by a group of extremists and I survived. I don’t know why. Most of the time, I wish I’d died with them. Certainly know that I don’t deserve to go on living a good life while they’re not.”

“What?” she asked. “You can’t think that.”

“Can and I do. Live with the guilt of surviving when they didn’t every day. Then when I came home, she couldn’t handle the state I was in. Can’t blame her. I was a mess. Night terrors where I’d think I was back there and scream so loudly I’d wake up the neighborhood dogs. She couldn’t approach me from behind without risking me taking her down. I could barely sleep, barely eat, and I was fucking angry all the time. I wanted to be dead and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t.”

“Renard, just because they died doesn’t mean you should feel guilty. You didn’t cause their deaths, right?”

“No. But they all had families, they all had reasons to live.”

“And I bet if you could ask them, they’d hate how guilty you feel. I can’t believe your wife left you. I’m so sorry.”

He gave a short nod. “When she said she couldn’t cope anymore and that she wanted a divorce, well, I packed a bag of my stuff up and headed out. Ended up living on the streets. I would manage to get a job only to get fired a few weeks or months later because of my combative attitude. Got no doubt I would have died on the streets were it not for Saxon.”

“He gave you a job here?”

“I knew him from the Marines. He got out before the attack. He saw me, brought me back here. Set me up in a job. I trained as a chef before I entered the Marines. He got me a place to live, helped me sort some of my brain out. And yeah, here I am. So, you gonna tell me what makes you so battered that you can’t take some painkillers when you clearly need them?”

“You forgot the dirty part,” she informed.

“Nope. I didn’t. I know you’re not dirty and I won’t hear you say that about yourself.”

“Renard’s rules?” she asked. “Don’t call myself a whore or dirty?”

“Don’t say anything bad about yourself,” he corrected. “And yeah, I have some rules.”

“Not sure I like rules.”

“Baby, not sure I’ve ever met someone who needs them more than you. And while you might not like them, they’ll make you feel safe. Every woman in this town has rules they have to follow.”

“Not sure the Grackle follows any rules,” she muttered.

“Maybe she doesn’t have someone who cares enough about her to make them. And enforce them.”

She tilted her head to the side. “You gonna spank me when I’m naughty, darlin’?”

“Yep. Problem?”

“With spankings? Nope. However, not sure I could handle anything hardcore like whips and canes.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Hmm. The cane isn’t really my thing, but I get a lot of requests at the club for my whip skills. Using a whip isn’t always about inflicting a lot of pain or blood and scars and screams. Sometimes it can be a sting then a kiss of heat. With the right person wielding it.”

“You think I might like it?” she asked.

“Can’t say, Gem. Only you can know that. But being with me isn’t contingent on taking more pain than you want or can handle. Got me?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “If there’s one thing you are, it’s plain-speaking. I appreciate that.”

“Good, Gem. Because that’s what you’ll get a lot from me. I speak my mind and I prefer that people do the same with me. Especially you. Lie to the world, if you want, I don’t give a fuck. But never to me. All right?”

“Yes, all right.” She had to tell him about the painkillers. Maybe about all of it.

“I want you to tell me it all, Gem. But not while you’re sitting there in pain. So how about we get you someplace where you’ll be more comfortable and I won’t feel like punching a wall every time you wince.”

“Please don’t punch any walls. I don’t own this house.”

“Pretty sure Alec Malone has seen plenty of punched walls in his time, but I will try to refrain. If you’re sure you’re not going to take any painkillers, then let’s get you into bed.”