Page 54 of Release

I pause at the bottom of the stairs, but I don’t turn. “I love you, too. If I didn’t love you, or him, believe me, this wouldn’t be so difficult.”

I head upstairs.

* * * *

Both men act tense around me in the office on Monday, but neither of them try to get me to talk about personal stuff. Declan still sends me nightly and morning texts as always, and I respond, but that’s been it for personal communications.

I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse.

It’s what I asked for, right?

During George’s morning briefing, I am well aware of him watching me with the intensity of a blue flame. From Declan, I feel a subtle resignation that hurts my heart and makes my determination waffle. Yet I know if I jump into something without figuring out what the hell is going on inside my head and heart first, it will be damned from the start.

Over that next week, I spend most of my time outside of work at the campaign headquarters or at the law office, barely going home except to shower and sleep. I limit my contact with George and Declan as much as possible at work, and I’m careful to modulate my tone and actions around them and others so that I’m professional and not snippy.

George has a speech to give Friday night at a veteran’s group. I opt to send Declan and Corene with him instead of going myself.

After I leave the office that night, I go home long enough to shower, pack a bag, and return to Nashville, where I check into a hotel room for the weekend. I’ll go straight from there to work Monday morning.

I just…

I need a hard reset.

Am I lonely?

Fuck, yes.

I haven’t even felt like so much as rubbing one out since…

Well, fuck. It’s been over a damn week now. Nearly two weeks.

Probably no coincidence I haven’t slept worth a shit in all that time, either.

At least George will be sleeping, since he’s got Declan. Ihopehe’s sleeping. Motherfucker’s running the goddamned state, he needs to be sleeping

I’m hoping being in a strange bed in a strange room will help me get out of my head for a little while.

Or not.

When you’re all up in your head, you’re still…there.

But at least in this hotel room I don’t have any memories that will flood to mind and make me wonder how stupid I am.

And how much better off those two men probably are without someone like me.

Because, let’s face it, I am a high-maintenance bitch. I don’t deny it. I’m shocked Declan’s put up with me as long as he has. Hell, getting beaten by George probablyisenjoyable to him, because outside of that one small aspect of George, the motherfucker’s goddamned perfect.

So my girl seemed to think. Although with her his sadism manifested in different, less severe ways.

Anyway…

I leave my personal phone on all weekend and other than Declan’s morning and evening texts, neither of them text or call me for anything personally related. Although Declan’s gate code opens my gate on Saturday and on Sunday, and his alarm code is used both days to go inside my house for a couple of minutes each time.

Unfortunately, the change of scenery doesn’t help me sleep. If anything, I get less sleep, and their workout room fricking sucks.

I would’ve been better off staying home behind a locked gate.

Monday morning when I walk into the office, I’m honestly shocked to see George’s office door is open, his light’s on…and he’s already there. Which is…weird.