Page 25 of Release

And I’m stuck here without her.

I don’t even have something of hers I can hold on to, like her day collar, her rings.

I manage to pull myself together before he drives us back to the hotel, where I knock on Chase’s door and quietly break the news to him, and hold him as he sobs.

Then I have to call home and tell Tyson and the kids.

But there’s no news about George, no sign of him. Or Susa, or Connie.

After four more days, I know we need to take Ellen home to the kids and let them say their good-byes. She wanted to be cremated, and after conferring with the kids, and with Chase and Tyson, they all agree it’s better to do it here and now. That the kids won’t want to see her like…this.

That Ellen wouldn’t want them to see her like this.

I didn’thaveto ask them, because the powers of attorney I have give me that authority, but I don’t want to be an asshole. The government takes plenty of samples for DNA matching, and X-rays of her teeth, just in case, but I know it’s her. Without a doubt.

Chase and I need to return home to Tennessee, to the kids, to end this purgatory. I feel badly for Carter, who’s remaining behind. I’m not sure if because he’s hoping for closure, or because he can’t bring himself to return empty-handed and break the news to Owen. Because the three of them are a secret triad, and I feel desperately bad for the men. At least they’ll still have each other to lean on, and right now, I have Declan.

That doesn’t make it any easier on me, though. Because although I know Declan understands there was something in the past between me and Ellen, I’ve never spoken the full truth to him.

I have to mourn my girl in that way in secret, while pretending to be a brokenhearted friend.

I carry Ellen’s urn home in my arms. I also purchased a matching pendant while there and filled it with her remains. It hangs from my neck from a stainless chain I also bought, and thus in this way I can always keep a little of my girl with me, forever, always near my heart.

At George and Ellen’s house, once the kids go to bed, Declan holds me while I cry in George and Ellen’s bed. It’s only once I’m alone at home with Declan later that night that I can really scream and curl up into a ball and wish for my own death.

Unfortunately, there isn’t some supreme being out there to grant my wish.

Not proud to admit I beat Declan good that night, too. He was willing to let me vent through his flesh, and I do. Probably the hardest beating I’ve ever given him, but at least it allows me to cry again, as he holds me and tells me he loves me and promises me he’s not going anywhere.

Ineedmy boy.

Fuck, that terrifies me.

Because I needed Ellen, too, and look how my heart was broken not once, but twice?

First because of George, and then because of bad fucking luck.

And then…

Then.

My fucking dumbass self gives Declan to the motherfucker to try to keep George alive. Once again, I’ve given the man an irreplaceable part of myself.

What do I get in return?

I…

I don’t even know anymore. Because for the first time in a long time, my mind’s a mess, my thoughts and emotions are all jumbled together, and I’m not sure what the right course of action is.

I cannot and will not submit to George.

Am I fooling myself that I’m eventhinkingthere might really be room for me between the two of them? Can I accept what George offers at face value?

Or am I self-sabotaging potential happiness because of who’s offering it to me?