Page 57 of Redemption (Devil Dogs of the Apocalypse #4)

Aly

A distinct thud comes from the other side of my closed door, drawing what little was left of my sanity away in a fit of absolute madness. “DARIUS MOTHER-FUCKING CRUZ, YOU GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW, OR I SWEAR TO JESUS I WILL DRAG YOUR ASS IN HERE!”

My stage whisper must be just loud enough for him to hear because not a moment later, the door swings open. Eyes wide with concern, Darius scans me, head to toe, and then the room in its entirety, before asking, “What’s wrong, Sandy Pants?”

What’s wrong? Everything’s wrong. My guys were stolen away from me by a crazed post-apocalyptic cult, my ex came back from the dead and decided to go on a sightseeing excursion with me that will inevitably end with us infiltrating the very same fucking apocalyptic cult, and, oh yeah, ZOMBIES HAVE TAKEN OVER AND ARE STILL SURROUNDING THE HOUSE!

The shit has hit the fan, motherfuckers!

But the most recent occurrence of mind-blowing ass-fuckery is the fact that my stubborn ex-fiancé has been sleeping on the floor just outside the bedroom for the past two damn nights, and I’m about to lose my shit if I hear his entire back crack one more time as a result of his battered, overzealous ass creeping up on middle-aged hell and lacking the proper lumbar support to combat it.

“Nothing,” I huff shortly in response to his worried stare. “Just... get over here.” I pat the space next to me on the bed, simmering down my anxiety-driven madness as I pull back the sheets.

He takes a step into the room but hesitates. I can see his skepticism from here, his reluctance to provide himself even the smallest bit of comfort if it means potentially making me uncomfortable.

But the thing is... he doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

He makes me hungry.

There’s a yearning inside of me that misses Jax, Cole, and Hawk immensely. The fact that we’re still confined to this stupid house and can’t get to them is killing me. Who knows what they’re going through? What they’ve been through? If they’re even still alive?

If I could go to them right now, I would. But seeing as we’re still surrounded by the horde, we don’t have any choice but to stay put and wait them out. Which puts me and my ex-fiancé in one of the most sought-after situations ever seen in romance novels.

Forced close proximity, second chance love, with a single goddamn bed.

Jax would be riveted, I’m sure.

As for me? I’m itchy. Not like, in a bedbug kind of way, because.

.. eww. Gross. But in an “ I’m kind of missing Darius a little bit, too,” kind of way.

In a “ Holy damn, has he always looked this good?” kind of way.

Or, possibly, even a “ Maybe we can see if the guys are willing to add a plus one to the mix?” kind of way.

And that’s not good!

I’m already psychologically on the cusp of insanity. Or... maybe I’ve already fallen over the edge and am currently in the middle of one doozy of a spiral, but I don’t need to add to the madness!

One dick is enough for any person. Having regular access to three dicks is verging on an exhibition in overindulgence—not that I’m complaining one bit, mind you.

It is well received but, then again, also entirely concerning when it comes to UTIs and yeast infections.

Especially in a post-apocalyptic world where running water and hygiene products aren’t always readily available.

Four dicks, however, is just asinine. We’re not collecting Pokémon cards here, people! I should not be wanting to ‘catch them all.’

“But you do!!!”

FUCK OFF, YOU HORNY CUNT OF A TWATWAFFLE! RETURN TO THE HOLE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!!!

Regardless of my annoying feelings towards him and the fact that Me-two is currently cheering me on from the sidelines while I’m purposely throwing the game, I refuse to continue this ridiculous endeavor of his.

There’s even a perfectly good couch in the living room that he refuses to use, claiming he would rather stay as close to me as possible.

Which led him to staging a campsite right outside my door.

Well, fuck that noise.

Not anymore.

I can hold back my lizard brain for the night so he can get some actual sleep without waking up feeling like he was run over by a semi-truck, dammit!

The trope shall not win! There may come a day when my willpower fails, when I may discuss such opportunities with the guys and see what the future holds for all of us, but it is not this day! This day... we fight! You hear that, Twinsky?! NOT TODAY!

“Look, don’t overthink this,” I whisper, collecting my sanity enough to feign lucidity.

“Just... get in here and get a decent night’s sleep for once.

” I see him start to move his foot, but, once again, he stops, holding himself back from what I know he wants.

“Darius... Please. Think of it this way. If this stupid horde of ass munchers decides to finally leave in the morning, we’re out of here.

Which means, quite soon thereafter, we’ll be going up against the very same people you don’t want anywhere near me.

We need to be on our A-game, alert and ready for anything.

If one of us is lagging, we’re fucked, and you know it. ”

Finally seeing the light, Darius sighs and closes the door behind him before making his way over to the bed.

But, instead of taking off his boots and joining me under the blankets, he stays fully clothed and lies down on top of them, shuffling around a bit with the pillows until he’s settled on his back.

As the mattress cradles him into its welcoming softness, Darius lets out a groan of contentment. “Ooh, holy shit,” he moans, causing me to smile softly to myself.

“Better than the floor?”

“ So much better than the floor,” he chuckles, wiggling around a bit more on the plush fabric.

The moment soon passes, and the air settles between us as we both grow quiet.

Thoughts drift in and out. Memories resurface.

Time carries on. Ironically enough, I told Darius to come in here to get some rest, but now I’m finding it difficult to fall asleep.

My brain simply won’t shut up, and it has everything to do with the man lying right behind me.

Hours fly by, and I’ve not been able to turn my incessant thoughts off for even a minute.

With a huff, I turn back over, deciding to take out my frustration on the pillow by discreetly—oh, let’s be honest; not so discreetly—hammering my fist into it, trying to fluff up the bastard.

I’m about to throw my head back down onto the infuriating thing when Darius’ soft voice floats over to me.

“Talk to me, precious. You wanted me to come in here and fall asleep, but it’s kind of difficult when you keep squirming around like that. What’s wrong?”

I sigh and turn onto my back, twisting my neck to see him staring at me in the darkened room. “It’s nothing.”

Turning to his side, he lifts his hand, positioning his palm under his cheek. “I get you’re worried about them, but, from what you’ve told me, they’re strong. They’re going to be ok. And I’m going to get them back for you as soon as we’re able. I promise.”

Oh, Darius.

Of course, he’d think I was only concerned for the guys and not also trying to process the fact that there’s a man in my bed who I used to love.

And might still...

His closeness, while reassuring, is burning me up inside, and I have no way to reconcile that knowledge.

I’m with Jax, Cole, and Hawk. Despite our unconventional relationship, it doesn’t give me a free pass to do as I please.

And it certainly doesn’t include any rehashing of feelings towards an ex who, for all this time, I thought was dead.

It's strange. I despised him for years, hated the very thought of him. But hate is so very close to the concept of love. A fine line I’m precariously balancing on, tight roping our jaded past and haunting memories alongside the what-ifs and possibilities.

As of recently, I’ve found myself teetering closer and closer to the edge, towards the more dangerous side of falling head over heels back in love with the man I’d sworn off all those years ago.

But, more importantly, I’ve realized that I don’t think I’ve ever actually fallen out of love with Darius Cruz.

And that... is a huge problem.

If the horde leaves tomorrow, I have to make a choice. I don’t want to, and it kills me to think of it, but I have to.

Do I stay with Jax, Hawk, and Cole, living out a future together? One we’ve only just begun?

Or do I choose to stay with Darius? The man who was a huge part of my life for years, whether I wanted him to be or not. Regardless of how we originally separated—and now that I have the option—do I choose to finally live the life I always wished we had?

Tears blur my vision as I contemplate what I’m about to do. Of who I’m going to have to say goodbye to and walk away from, leaving them and their love forever.

I don’t want to do it. I can’t. It hurts to even think about it.

Reluctantly, Darius’ hand comes up to my face, his palm caressing my jawline as his brows furrow. “Al... It’s going to be ok.” He averts his gaze slightly before returning to mine. “Tell me about them.”

“What?”

“Tell me about them. Like the good stuff. Happy times. It’ll take your mind off of whatever you’re worried about.”

I think for a second, wondering if he actually wants to learn about the guys who have, for all intents and purposes, taken his place. But, then again, he did ask.

“Ok,” I sniffle, clearing my throat before I continue, “So you already know there are three of them. They’re friends who met in the Marine Corps.

Well, two were in the Marine Corps. The other was a corpsman assigned to their unit.

” The thought of the guys brings a shaky smile to my lips.

“When they found me, all three of them were living at this giant estate on Lake Waccamaw. Jax’s place. ”

Darius stiffens slightly, narrowing his eyes as his head tilts at the name, but doesn’t say anything, so I continue.

“He’s... a lot. I was really intimidated by him in the beginning.

But once I got to know him, he’s really just a big, hulking teddy bear.

Out of all of them, he makes me feel the safest. He actually saved me last year when I was abducted by some guys at the southern end of the lake.

Came in there and blew through every one of them.

Like, literally, blew them up. With bombs.

.. or grenades or... something. Bodies were just..

. everywhere. The man is terrifying. Like a character straight up out of an action movie, ready to disembowel someone for looking at me wrong.

But you know what? I love that about him.

” I giggle softly under my breath as I continue.

“Funny thing? He has a secret infatuation with romance novels. We even read a bunch of them together last winter when we had to relocate to his cabin.” I can still remember Hawk losing his mind as he tried to read a high fantasy one.

Why he chose that one out of the dozens of others I’ll never know, but it was hilarious all the same and made me laugh just as he’s always able to do.

My eyes turn down as I fall into the memory, playing with a frayed part of the bedspread.

It's weird. When I open my mind to think about it, Jax is a lot like Darius. They’re both super protective, always looking out for threats. They both saved me from either being abducted or about to be. The similarities between their two personalities aren’t uncommon, but it’s still curious.

“Then, there’s Hawk. He’s really funny and easygoing.

Makes surviving the end of the world exciting and exhilarating.

The man’s always singing or getting me to dance with him.

In fact, when we were cornered by a massive horde a few months ago, he lured them away by dancing and singing at the top of his lungs.

Worked like a charm. He made them follow him for miles to make sure the coast was clear before turning around and heading back to us.

” My mood suddenly diminishes as I think back on what happened to Cole.

The fear, doubt, and anger that consumed us all as we huddled around him, assuming the worst, is something I never want to relive ever again.

But, despite the terrifying memories, I force myself to continue, choosing to remind myself that if we survived that, we could survive anything.

“And lastly, there’s Cole. Or Doc, as we call him.

He’s the corpsman I was telling you about.

He’s... my rock. My safe space. Surviving this long without anyone.

... It took its toll on me, as I’m sure you’re well aware.

” I peek an eye over at my imaginary twin still sitting in the corner.

Her back’s up against the wall with her knees pulled up into her chest, silently taking everything in as she watches over us.

“For a while, I wasn’t in a good place. Not because of them, but because of what I’d been through.

Cole taught me how to handle the anxiety that came with it.

Coping mechanisms, breathing exercises, and even a bondage technique—I can’t remember the specific name for it— where he wraps ropes around me so tightly I can hardly breathe, let alone think.

He helped me create a safe space in my own mind.

Taught me how to be strong mentally, while the others taught me how to be strong physically. ”

That thought has me reflecting once again on all the men in my life. Their unique differences, and also their striking similarities.

Darius also creates a safe space for me to relax. He used his voice to sing me to sleep, provided solace when I was at my lowest point. He’s also like Hawk in that case. His ability to use his voice to help me escape my own mind by replacing my concerns with music is soothing.

I fumble over a breath as a sudden, stark reality hits my mind.

Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Did I seriously replace Darius with three guys who are just equivalent parts of his whole?

That with Jax’s protective nature, Cole’s soothing relaxation, and Hawk’s fun excitement, I’ve essentially created my own version of Darius 2.0?

Oh, holy shit...

I did, didn’t I?

What in the actual fuck?!

My gaze lifts to find Darius unmoving and silent, his focus far away as he takes in everything I’ve said so far.

Despite my mind currently undergoing a mind-fuckery overhaul, I can’t help but think if this is too much for him to hear.

It’s not a normal occurrence that you divulge your current relationship details with someone you used to sleep with and who is still in love with you. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I’m sure.

Deciding to give him a break to process everything, as well as providing myself a moment to figure out my own nonsense, I pull off the blankets. “I’m sorry. I’m just... going to go use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”