Page 15

Fifteen

NAT

“You know you two are disgusting, right?” I tease Hattie as we watch Shep walk into the locker room—after a very public display of affection. The two of them have been in that early relationship stage ever since the Christmas party where they can’t keep their hands off of each other and they’re so cute that you want to puke just watching them. At least the night had ended well for someone.

I’d tried to ignore AJ— Rizzo , I remind myself for the hundredth time. AJ was a secret name for when things were maybe heading somewhere. Rizzo is the name for my platonic friend. I’d tried to ignore Rizzo and had failed. I’d tried to flirt with some new guy in Accounting that I can’t even remember his name and that had felt terrible. I’d searched for Rizzo and when he was nowhere to be found, my heart had sank, thinking the worst and assuming he’d found someone else to take to his bed for the night. I’d gone to my room and admittedly cried myself to sleep. Not my finest moment. I still haven’t figured out exactly why I freaked out so much that night as his apartment other than the intense fear of being hurt. I guess that’s the answer, really, just a fear of getting my heartbroken. That’s never actually happened before. I’ve had a few semi-serious boyfriends over the years, but I’d been the one to break things off every time… ah shit , I realize with a start. I’d dumped each of them when things started to shift into serious-serious.

Oh God, I really am the one with the commitment issues, not Rizzo.

And I’d freaked out because I knew without a doubt that I wouldn’t be the one to walk away from Rizzo. If we started things, I’d be in the for the long haul and give him the power to break my heart. Not just break it, but fucking shatter it, because…I’m already in love with him. Shit, shit, shit. This is a lot to process all at once so I force all of these big revelations away and focus back on Hattie.

She grins at me and winks. “I know, I know…but ask me if I care.”

I laugh and bump her shoulder. “I’m really happy for you, you know that right?”

“Thanks, Nat. It’s felt like such a long time coming even though we’ve only known each other a few months, but,” she sighs and runs her hand through her long brown hair, “it feels like I’ve known him forever. He’s like my other half and I know how annoying and cliché that sounds.” She wrinkles her nose, making us both laugh again. “But it’s true. I can’t help it.”

“Oh, hey, Roman! Question time!” I call to the bruiser before he walks into the locker room. He grins and trots over.

“Eggnog – yum or yuck?” Hattie asks.

“Oh definitely yum. I could drink a gallon of the stuff—actually did once on a dare. It did not end well, but I still love it.” He smiles when we both make disgusted faces, and gives us a little salute before heading off. We’ve made all of our questions this month holiday-centric, and they’re getting great reactions on social media. Even Miss Grinch herself, Hattie MacNamara, has seemed to be leaning into all the holiday stuff more lately. I’ll give the credit for that to Shep and all his planning to make her love Christmas after all this time of hating it. Granted, she definitely had cause—the girl has the absolute worst luck when it comes to December. She even got mugged by Santa once for fuck’s sake!—but it’s actually really sweet watching her heart grow three sizes because of Shep’s love for the holiday. And her, of course. He hasn’t actually said it yet, to my knowledge, but we all know it’s true.

“So, uh, any new developments on the Rizzo front?”

“We are back to being friends with zero benefits…but it’s not the same as before.” I sigh, hating how things ended up. I knew this was a possibility when I crossed the line…and then crossed it again…and again…but I really thought we’d be alright. And, really, if it was just sex, I think we would be, but there’s so much more than that between us.

“Is that what you really want?”

“I…have no idea,” I say with a groan. “Part of me wants to give it a real try, but the other part is terrified to.”

“I get that. You know how scared I was to go there with Connor, scared to lose what we had.”

“But Shep wasn’t allergic to monogamy.” She huffs out a laugh and I can’t help but join. “I just think that we’ll try to be more, I’ll fall completely in love with him, and then he’ll decide he misses getting laid by a different girl every night. Then not only does my heart get broken, but we really will ruin any shred of friendship we have left. I can’t imagine hanging out with the Sin Bin after that.”

She looks thoughtful, but before she can respond, another group of players shows up and we get some more clips to add to our Eggnog Showdown video.

I don’t want to be here, but I’d promised dad months ago I’d attend this fundraiser. It’s a giant toy drive for underprivileged kids and those living at the group home, so I can’t be too mad about being here, but I haven’t spoken to him since the Kodiaks game save that one phone call and a few texts—he’d had go to out of town so we missed our scheduled dinner the following week—and I wouldn’t put it past him to bring up the whole job thing again tonight.

“Oh, Natalie, you’re here!” Erin exclaims, hurrying over with her tablet glued to her hand and her Bluetooth in her ear like always.

I hand off my gift donation to one attendant and my coat to another, and straighten the straps of my icy blue gown while I wait for her to get closer.

“I RSVPd didn’t I?”

“Well, yes, but I thought…well, your father wasn’t sure if you were still coming or not.” She looks slightly uncomfortable and I can only imagine the irritated tirades she’s had to endure from my father since I pretty much told him to fuck off.

“Well, I’m here. Not to worry.”

“He’ll be very happy to hear it." She nods and looks down at her tablet, quickly swiping through a few screens. "You’re at table one." I raise a brow and she ducks her head. We play this little game at every single one of these things. She puts me at the main table with dad and the heads of whatever organization is benefitting from the gala, and I promptly find myself a seat elsewhere. I give her a warm smile.

"Table one. Got it." I wink and she sighs, but smiles. She thankfully has gotten used to the song and dance that is me and dad, and I think she actually sympathizes with me a bit, so she always turns a blind eye as much as possible and doesn't usually rat me out unless dad outright makes her. She likes me, but she won’t jeopardize her job and lie for me, which I respect.

I head into the massive ballroom, appreciating the gorgeous decorations. The event planning staff of the Celeste are the best in all of Seattle, bar none. The ceiling is draped elegantly in white and silver and light blue silk, twinkling lights weaving throughout the fabric to give it that magical winter wonderland feel—it’s the theme, after all. Everywhere I look are ice sculptures, crystal icicles, and diamond-studded snowflakes. There's even snow drifting gracefully from hidden blowers within the silk above, melting harmlessly just before they land on any party goers and ruin anyone's hair, of course. It's the perfect mix of whimsical and luxurious and I allow myself to smile, taking everything in. Mom would have loved this one, for sure. She loved the snow more than any other person on earth. Dad had even proposed in a glass igloo under the Northern Lights. I wonder if he’s thinking about her tonight the way I am. I wonder why they couldn’t figure out a way to work. I wonder if them not working, despite the intense love, is what has me so fucking scared of this thing with Rizzo.

Actually, scratch that. I don’t need to wonder about that last one. I know that’s at least part of the reason and I hate that I know it. I thought I’d gotten over letting their issues be my issues, but apparently not.

I see dad talking to a few people near the largest ice sculpture, and nod in greeting when he catches my eye. He raises his glass my way in response and I think that maybe he's going to let the whole job thing lie, at least for tonight. He gestures to the décor and a smile pulls up his lips, one of those rare, unguarded ones, and I know exactly what he’s saying, the exact same thing I’d just been thinking: she really would have loved this . I smile back at him and nod again, my eyes burning. He turns back to greet some new important person coming to chat with him and I continue on through the room.

I stroll right past Table One, snatching up my name card on the way, and wander to a table in the far corner instead. There's an empty spot, so I slide right in, happy that I don't even have to bother switching out place cards and all of that. A server approaches quickly with a tray of themed drinks—some kind of blue concoction with sugar crystals rimming the glass to look like ice. I take one and thank the man, and he gives me a bright smile.

"You're more than welcome, ma'am," he says, eyes lingering on mine for a moment before he walks away. He's handsome enough, that's for sure. Hell, maybe that's what I need to get AJ— Rizzo , I tell myself with gritted teeth. I down my drink, appreciating the fruity taste, and try to get my thoughts on the right track.

Maybe that's what I need to get Rizzo out of my head: going home with someone else. He's on the road tonight in Denver, so lord knows he's probably got plenty of girls just waiting in the wings to jump his bones the second he walks out of the locker room. The thought makes my skin heat in irritation. I pull out my phone and decide to check the score of the game…and end up watching it live instead, apparently a glutton for punishment because I need to see him. I love watching him play. The way he moves on the ice is sexy as hell. I’m being admittedly rude and completely ignoring the other people that sit down at my table, but I don’t really care. I wince when Jules takes a brutal hit against the wall…and smile when Rizzo gets into a fight.

"Oh thank God, another sane person." I look up and find an older gentleman grinning at me, warm chocolate eyes sparkling. "I would much rather be watching my Vipers than sitting in this monkey suit." He tugs at his collar and I laugh. He quickly adds, "Not that it isn't a good cause, of course, but…all of this isn't really my idea of fun." He gestures to the room.

I smile at him. "Your wife drag you along?"

"My husband, actually. He loves this stuff." He grimaces and I can't help but laugh. He nods to the screen. "What's the score?"

"We're up 2-0."

"Yes!" I tilt the phone so he can see and scooch my chair a little closer to his so we can share the screen. They'll start speeches and the auction and everything after dinner, so we have a while to enjoy the game. "Man, I love watching him skate. It's like he's made of smoke sometimes, I swear." Of course he's talking about Rizzo but he's right: watching him skate is a real thing of beauty.

"Yeah, he's great." After the second period, we're up by five, and I reluctantly put my phone away when dinner is served. I actually enjoy the night with my new table buddy, Kent, and his husband, Jones, the two of them cracking the whole group up nonstop.

Thankfully, dad doesn't try to have a conversation with me…and the handsome server from before keeps catching my eye. Fuck it, I think. After the game, Rizzo will be balls deep in a puck bunny or three, so I might as well hook up with someone too, right? I stand from the table, making sure he sees me and I give a maybe not-so-subtle nod towards the door.

"Excuse me, I'll be right back," I say to the table. I glance at the server again and Kent chuckles low.

"Oh brava, my dear. Brava, indeed." I swat him with my napkin but grin as I make my way towards a side exit. I force myself not to remember that it's the same one I escaped through with Rizzo all those weeks ago. Just as I push it open, I turn back and see if the server is still watching. He is. He smiles widely, knowing exactly what I'm saying without speaking a word. I exit and wait in the hallway beyond, pulse racing.

Part of me is saying this is a bad idea, that it isn't even what I want , but the other parts are telling me to just do it. Rip the band aid off with someone new. Feel something that isn't the hurt or longing or annoyance that seems to be all I've been feeling since I fucked things up with Rizzo.

The server slips through the door and smiles.

"Hey," he says in a deep, husky voice.

"Hi," I breathe.

"I'm —" I kiss him to silence him.

"No names," I whisper against his lips. He smiles and kisses me back, palming the back of my head to hold me to him, maybe a touch too hard. The kiss is…not great. Too much tongue and zero finesse with it. But I'm determined to force Rizzo from my mind and this seems like the best way at the moment. What's that old saying? The best way to get over one man is to get under another one? So, I’m determined to make myself enjoy this.

"Damn, baby, you're sexy as hell," he rasps, kissing along my neck as he backs me against the wall. I roll my eyes. His words do nothing to turn me on. In fact, it's like the fucking Sahara right now down south. It's fine. It'll be fine . I close my eyes and try to just relax into the moment, but then he sucks hard on one spot, like a fucking fish, and I feel myself make an absolutely disgusted face. How in the hell is that hot?? And so help me God if this moron gives me a fucking hickey…

I huff out a frustrated sigh and pull his head back up, kissing him again and attempting to take control of it. Maybe if I show him what I like, he’ll get the hint. He palms my breasts roughly, like they're basketballs and he's Shaq, and everything about this is the most unsexy encounter of my life. He does not, in fact, take my hints and instead decides it’s a competition of who can shove their tongue into the other person’s mouth the hardest. This was a terrible fucking idea.

Thank God, my phone chooses that moment to buzz. Maybe Hattie had taken me seriously and is calling in a fake emergency to get me out of this event.

"One second, I need to check this," I say, pushing him away. He steps back but keeps his hands latched onto my chest until I give him a pointed look. He sighs, but releases his prizes. I pull my phone out of my clutch and see a text from Rizzo. I blink in surprise.

Rizzo: Hey, can you call and check on Mac?

I frown and straighten, and the idiot takes that as an invitation to lean in again, licking my neck. Not a sexy little lap of his tongue, either. Licks it like a cartoon dog licking a bone. Bleh. I push him away and maneuver away from the wall, putting some space between us.

"Uh, everything ok? I gotta get back to work soon…"

"Go ahead, something important came up. Sorry."

"We could hook up after," he says with a smile.

"I don't think so." I walk down the hallway towards the stairs and he calls after me.

"For real?"

"A thousand percent!" I call as the door slams shut behind me. I wipe saliva from my neck and feel like I might puke. “Oh, gross! God, that was a disaster.” I shake my head and decide to never speak of this to anyone for as long as I live.

I quickly type back a response.

Hey, is everything ok?

Rizzo: I think so, but she got spooked earlier in the parking garage.

"What the hell?" We'd been texting in our group chat with her, me, and Bobby earlier and she hadn't mentioned anything at all. We were all joking around—Bobby told the worst dad joke of all time, I’d asked Hattie to be ready to fake the emergency, and she started adding "eh" to the end of every message since Bobby was home in Canada visiting family for the next couple of weeks for the holidays. He wasn’t nearly as amused as we were, but everything had seemed fine.

I’ll call her right now.

Rizzo: Thanks. You know how she is. She doesn't like to ask for help or “bother” people, but she was definitely freaked out. She’s staying at Shep’s place.

I’ll def check on her.

The three bubbles pop up and disappear like he's typing more but then rethinking it. I hate this.

Good game, btw.

Rizzo: you were watching? I thought you were at some event?

I was being a terrible party guest and watching on my phone. Have to support my favorite goalie, duh.

I bite my lip, hoping he jokes back. I want that back so badly, realizing now how much I've been missing it.

Rizzo: You don't have to lie, Nat. I know you wanted to watch my fine ass skate around all night.

I smile and sigh in relief, huffing out a soft laugh. Baby steps.

You mean Roman's fine ass, right?

Rizzo:

Rizzo: Call Mac. Text me later.

Me: Yes, sir

That tension that’s been clenching my chest ever since everything got so screwed up with Rizzo finally eases a fraction. I feel like this is the first step back in the right direction with us. And if he wants me to text him later, that means he doesn’t plan to be otherwise occupied, right?...

I shake the thought away and call Hattie. She picks up on the third ring.

"Are you alright??"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm fine," she says, though she sounds seriously shaken up. But when she continues, she sounds perfectly normal and I can practically hear the fake smile she's got plastered on her face. "I got freaked out in the parking garage, but it was nothin'. I think I just watched one too many scary movies the other day, that's all." I narrow my eyes as I make my way down the stairs, heels clacking loudly.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. What the heck is that sound?"

"I'm running away from this event down the stairwell," I tell her, half serious. I am ready to get the hell out of here, only partly because of my incredibly cringey make out session with the server. Hattie laughs. "Do you want me to come over? We can watch movies all night—non-scary ones. I'll stop for popcorn and candy on the way."

"Rain check? I think I'm just gonna hit the hay."

"You sure?" I ask. I don’t want to push. Lord knows I’m the last person who can say anything about not being entirely forthcoming with what’s going on in my head, but I get the feeling that something is definitely wrong with her.

"Yeah, I'm good, I promise. Thanks, Nat."

"Ok, call me tomorrow. Or text me later if you change your mind and want me to come over."

She promises she will and we hang up. I make my way back around to the entrance of the ballroom to grab my coat. Despite the unease about Hattie, my lips actually curl when my phone buzzes and I see Rizzo’s name. I head out into the cold, feeling better than I have in weeks.

The good feeling doesn't last as long as I'd hoped. Dad asks me to a late lunch the next day and I decide that it's time to talk. I can't ignore him forever, after all. And I don’t want to. As much as we clash, he’s my dad and I love him. He’s all I have left. I don’t want us to be on opposite sides of some stupid, imaginary battlefield.

So, I meet him at one of our favorite spots and he already has my favorites ordered for me when I arrive: BLT, extra bacon, with cheese fries and ranch for dipping, of course.

I smile at him and he returns it. Maybe this will stay nice and civil. Maybe he's finally come to terms with my life choices and understands that I'm happy (complicated love life notwithstanding) and he's going to tell me that he's good with it. Hey, I can hope for a Christmas miracle, can't I?

Wrong.

We barely get through hellos and comments about the Winter Wonderland event, before he dives right in. I don't even get to take a second bite of my sandwich before my hands are clenched into fists and my appetite is gone. Ok, that’s a lie. I’m starving and that makes me even more mad that he couldn’t even let me enjoy my fucking lunch before ruining everything.

“I’m not doing this, dad," I say, quietly but firmly.

I can’t believe he still thinks he can just make all these decisions about my life without my consent. He once again doesn’t even ask if I would be interested in Lysander’s position, it’s not even a conversation. He just tells me when I’ll be starting, like it was a done fucking deal.

Actually, scratch that, I can one thousand percent believe it—and it’s making me see red. I’m so over this.

“Yes, you are. The discussion is over.”

“What discussion?” I hiss. “There is no discussion, there never is with you! You decide and expect me to just obey. And for a long time, that’s how it was, so it’s my own fault for setting the precedent I guess, but not anymore.” The muscle in his jaw ticks as he clenches his teeth and I can tell that he’s trying his best to keep his composure.

“This little game has run its course, Natalie.”

“This isn’t a game.” I feel like we keep having the same damn conversation over and over. I grit my teeth. He isn’t the only one fighting for composure here. And I have a feeling I’m going to lose. “This isn’t me acting out. This isn’t me trying to get attention. This isn’t even me rebelling just to piss you off like that summer in Sydney. This is my fucking life, the one I’m choosing for myself after all these years. And I happen to really, really love it. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you accept it?” Why can’t you accept me for who I am?

And it’s like a lightbulb goes off. That’s the crux of all of this, why this hurts so damn much. Him refusing to accept my life as-is means that he doesn’t accept me as-is. He wants to change who I am. My heart cracks and my nose burns with tears, both of pain and anger.

Dad slams his hand down on the table, rattling the silverware and making me flinch. A waiter does an immediate about-face to go hide in the kitchen instead of refilling our water glasses. Smart man . Other patrons glance our way a little uncomfortably, but neither dad nor I give two shits what they think.

“Because this is ridiculous, Natalie! You are more than this. You’re better than this. Working for a hockey team? Come on, you can’t be serious. Your place has always been in the company with me, to continue on our family business”

“I don’t want the family business, damn it! I don’t want the legacy. I don’t want any of it! Why the fuck do you think I changed my last name, dad?” He grinds his teeth in irritation. My choice to abandon his name for mom’s has always been a sensitive subject, but I don’t care right now.

“Haven’t you gotten over it yet?” he spits and, to his credit, I can tell he immediately regrets it.

“Haven’t I gotten over my mother suddenly dying and my entire world slamming into a sharp, ugly clarity revealing how fucking miserable I was? Is that what you mean?” I ask slowly. I glare daggers at him, hot, angry tears flooding my vision. “I might just need a little longer on that, dad.” I stand and throw my napkin on the table before storming out of the place without an I love you . For the first time ever, there’s no I love you.

Before I even make it to my car, my phone is buzzing. I pull it out of my pocket and see Rizzo’s name, and while part of me wants to talk to him about everything I’m feeling right now so badly it actually kind of surprises me, the other part doesn’t want to talk to anybody about jack shit. I just want to go curl up on my couch and binge watch Supernatural and ugly cry for hours. But I answer all the same, because I know just hearing his voice will make me feel a fraction better.

“Hey, Rizz, look now’s not a good time ok, I?—”

“Nat, you need to get to the hospital right now.” The panic in his voice makes me freeze in my tracks, my blood turning to ice and everything with my dad vanishing into the background.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Are you ok??” Why the fuck is he in the hospital?

“The short of it is Mac’s crazy fucking ex found her.”

“Oh my God,” I breathe, terror gripping me. She’d told me about Josh and even though I don’t think she told me even half of the gory details, she told me enough to know that the guy was a legitimate psycho. Like stalking her and prone to outbursts of violence kind of psycho. She had to move half way across the country basically in secret to get away from him. And he found her. Oh God, oh God, oh God.

“She’s ok, mostly, but…ah fuck, Shep was shot, Nat. I don’t know…I can’t…” I can hear him spiraling and my heart twists painfully. It makes me snap out of my frozen stupor. I need to help him. I need to check on Hattie. I need to be there for Shep. Please let him be ok. Please, please, please.

“I’m on my way. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”