Page 23 of Protected from Malice (Blade and Arrow Shadow Team #1)

After an hour huddled together in the shed, we were cleared to come back in. Tyler talked with the police and fire department and convinced them to share all the details, and he checked all the security cameras in the hotel, just to be sure.

It’s safe. The hotel wasn’t breached by an enemy.

No. It was a damn kid who thought it would be funny to set off fireworks in the elevator.

Who the fuck thinks that’s funny?

I’m not going to pretend I was a model teenager.

I drank. I skipped school sometimes. I even egged someone’s car—although I still think they deserved it.

But fireworks in a hotel elevator? Not only did it scare hundreds of people and cause damage to the elevator, but the kid could have been seriously hurt.

But kids are stupid, aren’t they? They don’t understand what real damage is. Or how explosives can kill. How they can change someone’s life in an instant.

Eden was much more understanding than me. “I’m just glad everyone’s okay,” she said once we returned to the suite. “And we don’t have to leave. So that’s good.”

I’m not convinced. Yes, the hotel was deemed safe. But there’s no guarantee something might not happen again. I’d rather have a house with lots of property and an impenetrable fence surrounding it, like they do at the Sleepy Hollow HQ and the Texas ranch.

Tyler claims anonymity is a good thing. That with so many rooms, it would be near impossible for anyone to find Eden in one of them.

Maybe he’s right. But I’d still feel better if I had Eden someplace different.

But in all of the chaos, one thing became clear. I need to talk to her. Not in a few days, or tomorrow, or even tonight. Now.

Because any illusions of taking things slowly—of easing into the relationship conversation and all the revelations that will come with it—disappeared in those seemingly eternal minutes it took to get Eden out of the hotel.

Despite all our planning, the second and third and fourth contingencies, I was scared. Not for myself, but for Eden.

What if the situation in the elevator wasn’t an isolated one?

What if it was only the first in a sequence of explosions that would turn the hotel into an inescapable inferno?

What if someone had somehow discovered Eden’s location and was lurking in a corner, waiting for the perfect shot?

What if my body wasn’t enough to shield her from harm?

What if we all ended up trapped, surrounded by flames, and my last agonized thought was how badly I’d failed her?

Thank fuck, Eden’s safe.

And I know I can’t wait anymore.

I have to know if I really have a chance with her.

Everyone’s still gathered in Eden’s suite—the one she shares with me and Indy—which definitely doesn’t make for the ideal time to pull her aside for a talk.

Logic tells me to wait until later, once Tyler, Ace, and Webb have retreated to their own suite for the night.

Wait until Indy is occupied with his occupational therapy exercises, and then subtly pull Eden aside.

But what I should do and the actuality of it aren’t one in the same.

Eden’s in one of the armchairs, her attention half on some cooking show about an extreme baking challenge that appears to involve crafting a five-tier cake with a working roller coaster attached to it. But her gaze keeps sliding over to me, just as mine keeps going to her.

After another few minutes of itchy inactivity, I say a mental fuck it and head over to her.

I can feel Indy’s eyes on me as I reach Eden’s side.

She looks up at me with a questioning expression. “Rafe?” Her brow creases. “Is everything okay?”

I try to work my face into a more reassuring expression. “Everything’s fine.” Not really. “Do you have a minute to talk?” My tone lowers. “Privately.”

Worry shadows her gaze. “Oh. Okay.” She pushes up from the chair. “Does the bedroom work?”

“That’s fine.” Resisting the urge to put my hand on her back, I gesture for her to go ahead of me.

Curiosity is hot on my back as I follow Eden into the bedroom. But I’m not explaining. Not making excuses. Not hiding. I’m going to bare myself to Eden and see where the cards fall. Then I’ll worry about what to tell Indy and the rest of the guys.

Once we get inside the bedroom, Eden goes over to the bed and sits down, watching me expectantly.

I shut the door behind me and go over to join her, feeling more nervous than I can remember in…

shit. I don’t know. Maybe in high school, waiting for my ASVAB results.

But since then? I’ve had brief flickers of uncertainty.

Moments of fear. But actually feeling nervous? No.

“What’s wrong?” Eden asks. She touches my hand, curling her small fingers around it. “I know it’s something. I can tell from your face.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I repeat. “It’s just—” My heart thuds hard. “Well.” Another beat. “Shit.”

“It sure seems like something’s bothering you. Is it because of the alarm going off? Because that wasn’t your fault.”

“You were scared.”

“Yes. But not for long. And I knew you would protect me. You and Indy and the other guys. So it wasn’t that bad.”

Eden being scared at all isn’t okay with me. But now’s not the time to get hung up on that.

“It’s not about the alarm,” I reply. “It’s?—”

Stop being a chickenshit.

I’m forty-years-old. I’ve never hesitated to say what I think.

“It’s about us.” I take a slow, steadying breath. “This thing between us.”

Eden pulls her hand back. Her teeth dig into her lower lip. “Do you regret it? Kissing me?”

“No.” It’s quick. Fierce. “No, Eden. That’s not even close to it.”

“Then what?” She pauses. “Is it Indy? Did he say something to you? I didn’t talk to him about it, if you’re wondering. I wouldn’t. Not without talking to you first. And…” Her shoulders sag. “I don’t know what I’d tell him, anyway.”

My heart wrenches.

Fuck.

Because of my cowardice, Eden’s been worrying that I had regrets about her.

“It wasn’t Indy. And I don’t regret anything we did. Not for a second.”

“Then what?”

I allow myself one more deep breath and exhale in preparation.

It’s the craziest thing. I never worried about how someone might react to my past before. I never planned to tell anyone, really. Aside from Indy and my old GB teammates, no one knows. And up until recently, I was good with that.

“I care about you, Eden. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” Her blue eyes meet mine. “Is this the I just want to be friends talk , Rafe?”

“No.” I reach over to take her hand between mine. “It’s the I want to be more than friends talk.”

“Then why do you look unhappy about it?”

“I’m not unhappy about it. But there are things you don’t know. About me. Things you should know before you decide if you want to be with me.”

The fear in Eden’s eyes shifts to confusion. “Why wouldn’t I want to be?”

I turn so I’m mostly facing her. “Because I’m not a hero, Eden. I’ve done things?—”

“I know you had to kill people in the Army,” she interrupts. “I understand. I would never judge you for that.”

“I have. But that’s not it.” As she starts to respond, I barrel ahead. “What you saw me do at the hotel? To the man who broke in? It’s not the first time I’ve hurt someone to get information.”

Eden stares at me for a second. “Okay.” A beat. “Is that it?”

“I’m not sure you understand. I’ve hurt people. Broken bones. Threatened to kill them. Those aren’t things most people would ever consider doing.”

“But—”

“The first time was on a GB op. We found out about a guy—an enemy combatant—who had kidnapped four aid workers. We tracked him down, but the women he’d taken weren’t with him. And he refused to talk. Said he’d rather let them die.”

“Rafe.”

“He was going to do it. Just let those women starve to death wherever he had them hidden. We could have searched for them ourselves, but in enemy territory, it would have been extremely risky. We would have, of course, but I had another idea.”

“You forced him to talk.”

With a short nod, I reply, “Yes. I broke five of his fingers. And when he still wouldn’t talk, I broke his ankle. Then I held—” I stop myself. “Anyway. I convinced him to talk. We found the women. From then on… I realized sometimes the threat of captivity wasn’t enough.”

“Rafe. That doesn’t sound horrible.”

“I’m not ashamed of it,” I clarify. “Not the first time, or the times after. And there have been times. Plural, and more than a handful. My teammates knew I could handle it. They knew I could convince a tango that I’d kill him if he didn’t talk. I was the unofficial interrogator on our team.”

Eden frowns, and my heart sinks to my feet. “I still don’t see what’s so awful, Rafe.”

“I hurt people. Beyond what my job entailed. A lot of people wouldn’t approve. They’d think that means I like it.”

“Do you? Did you?”

I’m quick to respond. “No. Never. At first, I felt bad. Like I was doing something wrong. But then… I saw the benefit. So I trained myself not to think about it anymore. Just get through the interrogation without letting emotions come into it.”

Eden nods as if she already knew my answer. “And the people you hurt. Were they innocent? Were they good people?”

“Absolutely not.”

A hint of a smile curves her lips. “Then I don’t see the problem. You were doing your job. Helping save innocent people. Protecting our country. I’m sure you’re not the only person who’s had to resort to more… extreme measures to do it.”

True. But she doesn’t know everything yet.

Before I can chicken out, I say, “I killed a man, Eden. Not in the military. Afterwards. And it wasn’t self-defense. It was premeditated.”

Surprise flashes across Eden’s face. But she doesn’t jump up and leave. Doesn’t pull away from me. She leaves her hand in mine. After a few, interminable seconds, she says, “I know you, Rafe. And I know you wouldn’t kill someone without a very good reason. So, what was it?”

As I allow the memories back in, my chest constricts. A poisoned blade slides between my ribs. “My cousin was killed. Mandy. You probably heard me talk about her.”