Page 41

~ brIDGET ~

When Sam was told to take his seat, our lawyers called a new witness, and my stomach sank.

“Doctor Ramsay, could you please detail your qualifications in the field of Forensic Psychology for the court?”

“Certainly…” The woman on the stand looked to be in her late forties. She wore glasses, had her blonde hair down and styled perfectly. She wore a pantsuit, and not too much make up. She was talking about her career, outlining things she’d done and research she’d been involved in. But I couldn’t take any of it in.

I kept glancing at Sam’s back, sitting at the table between his lawyers, who kept leaning in and whispering to each other and to him. They seemed agitated.

But they were asked if they had any objections, and they declined.

Derek smiled. My hackles rose.

“Your Honor, at this time, we move to qualify Doctor Ramsay as an expert in the field of forensic psychology and sexual trauma, and request that she be permitted to offer expert testimony in this case.”

The Judge nodded. “The court recognizes Doctor Ramsay as an expert in Forensic Psychology and sexual trauma. She may testify as such. ”

At first I thought they were going to hit the hammer of isn’t this sexual kink stuff gross? And I knew that a person’s response to that would be entirely dependent on their own tastes and experiences. But then…

“Doctor, can you please explain to the jury how your research has established that a woman who is being exploited—or harmed—might find sexual gratification in the act?”

“Certainly.” She shifted in her seat so she was facing the jury more, folded her hands in her lap, and proceeded to turn me into a nutcase, and Sam into a predator.

“There are several different reasons why a woman could either appear to enjoy a sexual experience with a predator, or be convinced that they do, despite it being clinically understood as traumatic or destructive.

“The first is something most people have heard of before: We all have a survival instinct that kicks in as part of our natural reflexes when our lives are in danger—or we perceive that they are. Most people have heard the term, “Fight or flight,” meaning that a person who is afraid will often react either by fleeing, or fighting. But there are two other possible reactions, and one of those has been termed fawning. It means to attempt to please, or soothe the person who is frightening you. A person who is fawning will become very compliant and agreeable—often even offering comfort or reassurance to the very person who is harming them. This isn’t a logical thought process. But an instinctive reaction and is particularly prevalent in women who’ve experienced violence in the home as children.

“We also have a well-established, historic awareness of Stockholm Syndrome, though it is often misunderstood. It is usually observed in people—both male and female—who’ve been in hostage situations, long-term abuse, or even involved in cults. In short, the victim develops an attachment—or even loyalty—to the perpetrator of crimes against them. We see this particularly where it is perceived that the perpetrator has been a protector of some kind.”

And then Jeremy fucking looked at me.

Turned his head, right there, and stared.

If we hadn’t been in open court, I would have slapped him again .

I was shaking. I turned to meet his gaze and glared. I shook my head twice, then turned back. But my chest was tying up in knots because I suddenly understood what our team was doing. And it meant they would completely undermine any good I’d done for Sam in my testimony.

I wanted to weep.

“…we also see what is commonly termed, trauma bonding . Again, it’s often misunderstood, but we see it again and again in abusive relationships with manipulators who understand how to place psychological pressure on a weaker mind. The condition is quite complex, but to simplify as much as possible, it is observed when the victim comes to believe that only the perpetrator truly understands them. Or perhaps it would be better phrased, the perpetrator is the only person with whom they can be completely authentic—because the perpetrator is “in it” with them. In the victim’s mind, they share intimate secrets that would turn others against them, so they protect each other. At its core, it’s a manipulative tactic, exploiting the victim’s need to convince themselves that they’re safe. But you can see how it would easily be twisted in a mind that is already injured.”

“Stop fucking staring at me, Jeremy,” I hissed under my breath. He finally turned away, but I was shaking. I was so angry, and so discouraged.

They couldn’t do this. They couldn’t paint us like this!

“You said there were four ways a person might decide that this kind of relationship was… one they wanted?” Derek asked calmly.

The Doctor nodded and smiled at him. I hated her.

“Yes, the last is a touch more difficult to explain but it is called coercive control … Essentially, a victim is so deeply afraid, or so deeply wounded, they begin to lose the ability to think or make decisions except those they believe their controller will accept. Sometimes their mind creates a reality in which the controller isn’t dangerous. That allows them to tell themselves they aren’t at risk. But even those with a conscious knowledge that they don’t like what’s happening, or don’t want to remain close to the abuser, will speak as if they do, protect their abuser even when that person isn’t present, and make choices even when they are alone that reflect what their abuser would want. ”

Derek frowned like he found this very disturbing. So did most of the jury.

“So, in a case of domestic violence, or threats of violence… your testimony is that a person might argue for their abuser?”

“Yes. And even actively hide their abuse, or cover it up for the perpetrator.”

“Why would they do that?”

The Doctor looked very professional and concerned as she spoke to the jury. “Because their fear of their abuser is greater than their fear of—or love for—anything, or anyone else. That person has such a grip on their mind, they are quite literally controlled. I’ve seen victims have panic attacks over choices like which clothes to wear in situations where they felt their abuser would disagree with all options.

“Usually those who reach this state have been conditioned through ongoing, extensive interactions to believe that even if the abuser isn’t present, they will know the victim has betrayed them, or learn of it, and that the consequences of that occurring are so much worse than what the victim experiences elsewhere, they come to see protection or loyalty to their abuser as protection of themselves.”

Derek made a thinking expression. I wanted to smack it off his face.

“Doctor, tell me… is it possible for a person to have been conditioned in the past—say by a parent or someone powerful in their childhood—and through that, come to seek out new abusers or perpetrators? Perhaps even find that kind of abuse… arousing?”

“Absolutely. I have published more than one paper on the subject. And we’re also beginning to establish links between women who were abused as children seeking boyfriends and husbands who replicate their experiences, or watching pornography that reflects those experiences when they’re alone.”

“And might any of these conditions you’ve described mold a young woman’s sexual appetite as they grow into adulthood?”

“Absolutely. Sexual arousal and attraction aren’t necessarily determined only by these types of experiences, of course. It’s impossible to diagnose a person without extensive analysis and examination. But, yes, we do see cases where individual’s sexual appetites directly reflect the abuse they’ve suffered. In dramatic cases, they can only be sexually aroused by their form of abuse. The human sexual drive is very strong. So they seek it out.”

“Is that what our culture commonly considers “toxic?”

“Clinically we would be more inclined to identify it as self-destructive,” the Doctor said graciously.

“Fascinating,” Derek said, then very pointedly looked over his shoulder at me.

If I’d had a gun in my hand, I would have shot him in open court. But I didn’t. So he lived.

Unfortunately, the questioning continued. They were always very, very careful to skirt around actually calling me an abuse victim, or making me the target of manipulation. They spoke in general terms about the kinds of women who might employ someone like Sam to engage in self-destructive sexual acts. But no one had any lingering questions about who they were talking about, or why.

I was almost bouncing in my seat. My skin hummed with rage and fear and… it was too much. I wanted to scream. I wanted to weep. I wanted to run out of there and never look back. Instead, I stared at the back of Sam’s neck and willed him to feel me there, knowing this wasn’t what he’d done. Knowing this wasn’t what we had.

The only relief was when Derek was done with his smug examination, and Sam’s lawyer rose to ask some questions.

“Doctor, is it also true that your research has established that in many cases of persons whose sexual appetites may have initially been molded by abuse, they are often able to find healthy ways to… express these desires? With people who aren’t abusive?”

“Yes, that’s true. In particular we have studied some of the BDSM community. Like any community, there are of course exceptions. But those who are committed to the foundational beliefs of safety and consent are generally viewed as healthy outlets for this kind of behavior.”

“In case the jury hasn’t been exposed to BDSM, can you explain the term?”

“Sure. It’s used commonly, which of course means it is commonly mis- used,” she said with a patronizing smile. “But it involves those who are adherent of bondage, discipline—or domination and submission—sadism, and masochism. Bondage is the act of being bound, restrained, or in some way restricted at someone else’s hands. Domination and submission mean one person in the relationship is Dominant, and given control by the other, who is submissive. In this context, a sadist is one who derives sexual pleasure from the pain of others. And masochists are those who derive sexual pleasure from their own pain.”

“Would a Primal Dom be considered part of the domination and submission group you described?”

“Yes, though it’s a newer, or less known practice, so we’ve had fewer chances to study it.”

“Can you give us any insight into whether or not that form of domination is one you would term, healthy?”

She shook her head and I wanted to slap her. “Unfortunately, it’s generally not the form of sexual appetite that determines whether a practice is healthy, but how it is used and regarded by those involved. The same sexual practice could be healthy for one mind, and not for another. For example, if any Dominant uses the control they’re given to exploit a submissive—sexually, financially, emotionally—then it would be considered unhealthy. And a submissive seeking out exploitation would be considered self-destructive. However, consensual practices between adults that don’t feed destruction or self-destruction would be considered healthy.”

“I think I understand,” Derek said thoughtfully. “But to be sure, can you give us examples that would define the difference between healthy Primal Dom behavior, and unhealthy, or how a submissive to a Primal Dom might demonstrate that they are engaging in self-destruction?”

I wanted to stand up and scream I’m not a fucking sub!

The women’s face grew very grim. “In both cases, the example would be different sides of the same coin,” she said. “If the controlling practices are not used purely for thrill, or the rules are not adhered to—for example, if there is no safeword providing an exit, or if the safeword is ignored—then the submissive is being exploited. But in the case of a submissive seeking it out—the easiest example of self-destructive behavior would be a genuine request to be permanently harmed or killed… that is the definition of self-destruction, after all. ”

I almost did stand up to protest. Jeremy must have sensed I was on the verge of an outburst, because his hand came to rest on my arm and he squeezed.

I yanked my arm out of his grip and glared at him. But I shook and struggled to breathe. My heart pounded so hard it was all I could hear.

That fucking woman was still talking but I couldn’t hear it.

I stared at the jury, desperate for them to look at me, to hear me, to see that this was a set up. That I didn’t want to die anymore, and it was because of Sam!

But I knew… I knew it didn’t matter what I said now. All they’d hear is coercive control and Stockholm syndrome and trauma bond.

From his seat between his lawyers, Sam turned to look at me and all I could do was silently plead with him to forgive me for putting him in this situation.

But the memory of him talking about whether or not he’d choose to bare another woman’s breast in public before he fucked her rose like a phoenix from the ashes of my mind and I almost gagged.

I was trembling so bad, my arms shook.

“Bridget… Bridget, what do you need?” Jeremy whispered.

I shook my head, chewing my lip until I tasted blood. This was all coming apart. It was all going bad. And it was my fault.

I dry heaved and Jeremy shot out of his seat, urging me to my feet and ushering me quietly out of the courtroom. The judge looked disapproving, but didn’t say anything. And the jury were so enthralled by that fucking doctor’s testimony that they barely glanced my way.