Page 131 of Playing for Keeps

He would leave me.

Again.

It struck me like a physical blow. I put my hands on the counter top, bracing myself as I leaned over, trying to control my breathing.

“Ethan.” Luke took a step toward me.

Yeah, I couldn’t let him touch me right now. If he touched me, it was all over.

I managed to straighten up. “Turncoat. Traitor. Judas. I’m practicing all the names I’ll call you if you join the Greens.” I tried to make my voice lighthearted.

Luke just stared at me.

Shit.

This was what I’d done my entire childhood, right? I’d joked to cover over the cracks, to hide how I was really feeling.

I couldn’t do that anymore. Not with Luke.

“Fuck, Luke…” My voice broke. “I just want what’s best for you. You’re so talented. You deserve to start for New Zealand, and if playing for the Greens is going to help you get there, then you should go for it.” I took a deep breath and plunged on. “And we can’t be together right now. You know that.”

Luke clenched his eyes shut and nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

“Maybe it’ll be easier if you’re away.”

When he opened his eyes, the devastation in them was an exact reflection of how I felt.

The oven timer pinged. I turned away from Luke so I could focus on getting dinner ready for my son.

* * *

I went through the next day in a daze, my mind like a rabbit in a warren where all the entrances had been sealed shut. I scratched at the dirt, desperately seeking a way out of the situation I was trapped in.

Luke was thinking of leaving.

Deep down, one part of me had been waiting for this. For Luke to bail. Like he had last time.

Like my father had.

I blinked. Fuck, I’d never thought about it like that before.

But this time, with Luke, it was different. Because now we knew how we felt about each other.

What would be worse? Him being away? Or having him here but not being able to touch him? Both completely sucked.

But I didn’t see any other choices. With everything that was going on with Char, how the hell could Luke and I be together? It wasn’t as if we could ask her permission, because even that could derail her recovery.

My mind kept replaying two key moments. The look on her face at the Easter party when she saw Luke and me laughing together, and her reaction to Luke’s modified salute when he’d scored his first try for New Zealand.

I got a pain in my throat every time I thought about either of those.

Theo needed his mother healthy. Nothing was more important than that.

I had an afternoon biology lab, so I’d arranged for Luke’s parents to pick Theo up after school.

I drove to their house, my mind still churning through everything.

This wasn’t the house Luke had lived in when I was a kid; they’d moved from Ashburton to Christchurch soon after Char and I had, wanting to be closer to support her with Theo. They’d rearranged their lives because of Char’s and my mistake.