Page 126 of Playing for Keeps

“What?”

“When we watched your first try for New Zealand, that salute you gave, I think she remembered that it’s what you did to me when we played together growing up, and she figured it out.”

Luke clenched his eyes shut, as if he was trying to shut out the thought.

I knew how he felt. I didn’t want to contemplate it either.

Was that what had tipped her over the edge? What was running through her mind when she popped those pills into her mouth?

I concentrated on getting the sandwiches out of the bag. “What are you going to do about the New Zealand game?

Luke’s expression was troubled. “I probably need to get back across to South Africa. But I don’t want to leave you.”

“I’ll survive. I managed to survive for six years without you, after all.”

Luke sucked in a harsh breath.

I rubbed my hand along the stubble on my jaw. “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that.”

Yeah, we’d picked a stellar time to have one of those adult conversations that had been brewing like storm clouds over our relationship. Both of us operating on zero sleep, emotionally strung-out.

In the Sydney hotel room, he’d yelled at me about how he’d gone to Japan because he’d been in love with me and I’d slept with his sister. Remorse overtook me. I really should have connected the dots at the time. I should have worked through the mess of my feelings for Luke back then and come to the conclusion that was staring me in the face rather than just burying my head in the sand and trying to continue on with a piece of my heart missing.

I’d hurt him so much back then, and it looked as if I was going to continue to hurt him.

“How did you mean it then?” Luke’s voice was low.

“I just meant it’s probably best if you go to South Africa now. You can’t do anything for Char while she’s in a treatment facility. And it’s not like things can continue between us, can they?”

Luke’s jaw clenched and I could see the pain flickering across his face.

Shit. I couldn’t bear to see him hurting. “Hey, don’t look like that.” I stepped forward, putting my hand to the side of his face. His stubble was rough under my fingertips.

Luke’s eyes flew shut, a tormented look on his face.

Seeing him in pain was like taking a knife to my own heart. But still, I knew what I needed to say. “I’m not a kid anymore, scared about what I’m feeling, scared of ruining our friendship. You’re my best friend. But you’re also my fucking everything. And you always have been.”

Luke opened his eyes and stared at me.

I pulled my hand away from his face, raking it through my hair. “But I don’t know how to make it work with Char and Theo and all the history,” I said quietly. “I have no idea, and now with this…”

Luke swallowed. He looked desolate but resolute. “I get it. You need me to be your best friend right now. You need me to be Theo’s uncle and Char’s brother and your best friend.”

“Just until…until things calm down a bit, okay?” My voice was ragged. “Until I have some time to figure shit out.”

Luke’s gaze was unwavering. “I will be whatever you need me to be,” he promised.

Chapter32

Luke

Iarrived in South Africa two days after the rest of the team flew in from Australia, and dove straight into the preparations for the first test match.

Having to focus on rugby was a relief.

I understood. Of course Ethan was going to do what was best for Theo. He wouldn’t be the man I loved if he didn’t.

But fuck, it hurt.