Page 33 of Personal Foul

“Shecanhandle herself. And her two best friends will help bury your body, and their boyfriends will take turns driving the getaway vehicle.”

“That’s very fuckin’ dramatic but thank you for the reminder that my friends would happily betray me for their girlfriends.”

“There are far safer options out there for you. Your phone is full of them.”

“Yeah, well I have a newly discovered interest in extreme sports, okay?”

“Christ…” Ben shakes his head.

“Don’t say anything to anyone, all right? I don’t want it getting back to them, least of all her.” I’m nervous but I feel like I can trust Ben, out of anyone he might understand. Might give me a break and some advice.

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I’m not interested in being the messenger on that one.”

“So—advice?”

“I don’t know, East. What’s your goal here? You telling me you’ve had an epiphany, and you’re into monogamy now? Or you just want a way to trick our friend into your bed?” Ben eyes me warily. “Because I’m obviously not going to help you with the latter.”

“Is that what you do with all your cooking lessons and sweet talk? Trick them?”

“No. It’s who I am. But you’ll also notice I keep it far away from our friends.”

“Well, the money and the cars and all of that isn’t who I am. Just things I enjoy. And I get that some women confuse those two things, but if I wanted a woman to look past them and see who I am. How do I get there when the flashy shit is all she ever sees and hates?”

Ben’s face shifts a little and he leans back against the wall.

“Are you sure that isn’t what this is then? Your ego bruised because she doesn’t like the things that normally make it so easy for you?”

“I thought that’s what it was at first, yeah. That I just wanted to fuck her, and she wasn’t interested, and it bothered me. But… now I’m pretty certain she would fuck me, but only fuck me, and I think I don’t like that either.”

Ben laughs and shakes his head.

“I think the two of you just make each other unhappy in general.”

“Yeah, but I like it. The way she fucking needles me. The way she gets under my skin. And she’s so fucking hot when she’s mean.”

“I think you need to analyze that with a therapist.”

“Maybe. Now, are you gonna fucking help me or just give me shit?”

“It’s really not that complicated. Just pay attention to her and what she likes. Be honest with her. Have you tried telling her you like her?”

“No.” That sounds like the quickest way to losing my balls.

“Then show her if you don’t want to tell her.”

I eye him skeptically.

“I can’t give you a magic formula to get her to like you. You have to figure that out on your own. I’m just saying check your ego at the door and let her knowyoulike her. That usually goes a long way.”

“Got it.”

“And the obvious other thing which you struggle with.”

“What?”

“How many girls have you fucked this week?”

“None.”