Page 20

Chapter 19

Rina

I don't want to see his face.

I don't want to play nice and make things easy on him.

I don't want anything to do with Redmond Bonner or his cheating, lying, stupid ass.

The car pulls up to Izzy's house and Keelan and I both get out without saying a word.

Redmond knew he couldn't have kids. He knew he was infertile. And he still let me marry him, knowing that was what I wanted more than anything.

He never cared. Somebody that would do something like that doesn't care.

We walk up to the door, and Keelan pulls out the key his sister gave him.

When we open the door, we see Ryker's mom walking with Stella outside near the pool house. We both pass through the house in silence as we meet her out back.

"Hi, Ruth," Keelan says as we step out onto the back patio.

Ruth turns to look at us and smiles, bringing a finger up to her lips.

I walk up to her and reach out to take the baby from her.

"She was up playing all evening," she whispers as she gently hands over Stella. "I know most babies hate tummy time, but this one. I swear she wishes she could crawl already."

"Eager beaver," I whisper into the baby's hair, catching a whiff of that intoxicating scent. "Why can't you just stay little?"

Ruth reaches for the baby's head and gently strokes her hair. "She's the perfect mix of Ryker and Izzy. Babies are a beautiful thing, aren't they?"

I know Ruth hasn't been privy to any of our earlier conversation and can't possibly know just how vulnerable I feel right now. But I don't miss the way Keelan tries to steer the topic to something other than babies.

"Speaking of Ryker, did you see the pictures of the house that got swallowed by the ocean?" He pulls out his phone and flips through pics of his sister and best friend's honeymoon.

"Wow, crazy what Mother Nature is capable of doing," Ruth says in awe.

As they look through pictures, I walk with my goddaughter back to her nursery and settle into the rocking chair in the darkened room.

I rock us, and tears pour down my face and onto my blouse. This nursery seems to be the place where I come face to face with my heart’s deepest desire and most terrifying fear.

That I want to be a mom—and I'm afraid it will never happen.

"Why does life's timing always have to be so off?" I say to nobody in particular. "Everything at the wrong time."

The doorway darkens, and Keelan is standing there at the entrance of the nursery with his hands in his pocket, watching us.

"I didn't know it was Redmond I heard that night," he says. I put two and two together when he brought up that he was at our college. It never even occurred to me."

"I know," I whisper. "I believe you." I'm still rocking Stella, now trying my best to stop the tears. I don't cry. That's not what I do.

But somehow, this is that one thing that just… breaks me.

Keelan leans against the doorframe and stares at the ground in front of him.

"I want to help you," he says. "You don't need him for anything. I'll cover whatever expenses you have."

"It's more than that, Keelan. I can take care of myself."

He steps in and crosses the room, kneeling in front of Stella and me. He plants the softest of kisses on his niece's head and looks up at me.

"You can do anything, Ri. I know that with all my heart. But I'm not going to let you do this alone. Do you understand me?"

His dark mocha eyes are glowing from the small slit of moonlight stretching out from the blinds. That look. So warm. So captivating.

But I can't let him.

I motion for him to take Stella, and he does, rising to his feet and gently laying her in her crib before turning back to me.

"Rina," he says my name—a broken melody on his lips.

I shake my head. "I'll be fine."

Then I turn and disappear into my room.

Rina, 18 years old

My mom slams my test onto the table in front of me. The classroom has cleared out and she asked me to stay back.

"Don't lie to me. You cheated, didn't you?"

I roll my eyes. "Are you serious? You don't believe in me that much, that the only way you see I can pass your stupid exam is by cheating?"

I push the paper back to her.

"You are in the bottom ten percent of my class, Katarina. And you expect me to believe that you just miraculously learned the material? Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"No, Ma. But I think you think I am." I grab my backpack and get up from the auditorium seat.

Keelan is probably waiting for me just outside the classroom, but I can't talk to him either, not after what happened with Jenny.

"Sit down, Katarina. We're not done here."

I huff out a laugh. "Oh, we're done here. You really have a lot of nerve, Ma. And I get it. I'm your only shot at a legacy, and I'm such a disappointment. Is that why you're trying so hard to get pregnant? So you can have hope that I'm not all this family has?"

Her face scrunches. "What on earth are you talking about, malcriada?"

"If I'm bad-mannered, Ma. Then I guess you can blame yourself. You haven't exactly set the best example."

I'm now stomping down the steps to get as far away from her as I can.

"Katarina, stop."

I do. Because if there's one thing I've been taught by the woman who just called me "brought up badly," is to respect those in authority.

And she's not only my professor. She's my mother.

I wait for her to walk over to me. "Just, be honest with me, Katarina. Did you or did you not cheat on this final exam?"

The audacity. The fucking audacity.

"The only cheater in this room, is you!" I spit out.

Her face constricts in utter confusion. "What?"

"I saw you. And Coach Wilson. I saw him rubbing your belly. You weren't even trying to hide." My voice shakes.

"Coach… Wilson?" She says slowly as if testing the name.

"Yes. You know—the one who got you pregnant."

My mom sucks in her bottom lip. "Oh, Katarina…" she says solemnly.

"What? Didn't think I would notice, did you?"

She reaches for my hand and I pull it away.

"I'm not having an affair," she insists.

"Then why was he touching you?"

"Please, sit down." Her eyes plead. "Please."

I drop my backpack to the floor and sink into the first seat I see. She slips into the one next to me.

"Look, I know I've been tough on you this semester."

I scoff. "Try my whole life."

"Katarina… I've felt like I've failed you. All these years. I've failed you."

"What are you talking about?"

She sighs, looking down at her midsection.

"Your father and I have been trying for years to give you a sibling. But my body… it wouldn't sustain a child. No matter how hard I tried. I did everything. Everything I could. Hormones and shots and holistic doctors. But nobody could help me. Nothing worked."

"Okay…"

"So I was talking to Coach Wilson's wife at one of the staff events and she mentioned trying something different. That maybe I needed to do IVF. It had worked for her, and that's how they had their son. So your father and I gave it one last shot. We didn't tell you because… well, we didn't want to get your hopes up again. But it took."

There are tears in my mother's eyes. "I'm four months pregnant."

"W-what? Right now?" I look down at her belly. It's barely noticeable.

She nods. "I've been on hormones all semester, and I know I've been really hard on you. You deserve better. I promise I'll try to be better. It's just… I worked my whole life to make sure I gave you a better life than what we had. I took this job because I wanted you to have the best education possible. I'm sorry if you took that as me being too hard. You being here, getting ahead… it's a dream come true for me, Katarina. And now this baby…"

She touches her stomach. And I reach for it, too.

"It's a girl," she smiles for the first time in a really long time. "I was so young when I had you, Katarina. I was just doing the best I knew to do."

I swallow and nod. "I know, Ma."

"You're young. You have the rest of your life to worry about these things. But work hard now. Do what you need to do to set yourself up for a great future. That way, when it is time for you to have a family, you're ready for it."

"Yeah," I say.

She reaches for my chin. "And I'm glad you didn't cheat on the test. Or I'd have to suspend my own daughter, and that would be the worst."

I shake my head. "I'm not that desperate."

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to look at it.

Keelan

You owe me, Your Majesty. Game starts at 7.

I look up at my mom. "What are you doing tonight?"

She shrugs. "I have some papers to grade. But nothing much. Why?" She looks at me curiously.

"Do you and Papi want to watch a hockey game?"

She laughs. "Hockey?"

"It's a thing, apparently."

She considers it but says, "Sure, mija. If you want to watch the tiniest object get slapped around on ice by boys with missing teeth… we'll go with you."

I grab my backpack. "They don't all have missing teeth. And some of them are quite literate."

"Is that right?" She says slyly. "Any of them in particular?"

I purse my lips as we walk out the door together. "Ma."

"What’s this sudden interest in hockey?" She smiles.

I shake my head as we make our way down the hall.

I haven't just wanted to be around my mom since… God, I can't even remember. But I look at her. Calm. Peaceful. Pregnant.

And for the first time in a very long time, I feel hopeful—hopeful that we might actually have a future where we can be not only mother and daughter but actually friends.

The empty halls are a nice change from the hustle and bustle of day-to-day in a campus full of students who are always talking and filling the space with their drama and loud conversations.

Peace. That feels really good.

And despite the awkwardness with Jenny and how she left abruptly without even hearing us out—I do feel hope for Keelan and me, even if I don't want to admit it out loud.

Mom stops suddenly and reaches for my arm. The smile I didn't realize I was wearing slowly slips when I look back and see that she's looking down between her legs.

"What's wrong, Ma?"

"No…" she breathes out and shakes her head. "No, no, no, no, no, no."

Without saying another word, she slips into the women's restroom to her left and disappears through the door.

I'm afraid to walk in after her. I'm afraid of seeing the look on her face. I'm afraid that everything we just gained in this vulnerable conversation we finally had the nerve to share—will be gone the second I walk in.

"Noooo," I hear her sob.

And I don't even have to walk in to know that once again my mom's dream has been stolen from her.