Page 18

CHAPTER 18

MONROE

Reese meets me at Lawson’s, where Blakely now lives, the three of us cuddled up on their living room couch as they listen to my tearful explanation of what happened earlier between me and Pax.

“And then he left,” I say through my sobs. “And I can't blame him for leaving. You should have seen the hurt look on his face. I did that. I hurt him with my reaction.”

“You panicked,” Blakely says, rubbing her hand up and down my back.

“You had an instant, emotional reaction that is backed by a lifetime of situations,” Reese adds. “It wasn't your fault.”

“But it is,” I say, sucking in a sharp breath and wiping the tears from my cheeks. My head is throbbing and my body feels like it's been run over. And my heart? It’s broken.

“Why did I react like that? Why didn't I let him explain first before I spewed out my own issues at him? The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, but you should have seen him, he looked...”

“Probably exactly like you look right now?” Lawson asks from the edge of the living room, a tray in his hand with three different pints of Ben and Jerrys and soda waters on it. “Sorry,” he quickly says as he sets the tray down on the coffee table in front of us. “Kind of hard not to overhear when I'm bringing the goods.”

“It's okay,” I say. “Thank you for letting me stay here tonight.”

“Anytime,” he says, looking at Blakely, who flashes him a silent thank you. “I will just say one thing before I leave you girls to it,” he says, almost hesitantly. “And I know I haven't known Paxton as long as you have, but that man loves you. Like truly, ends of the earth forsaking all others, loves you. I know it feels like the end right now, but that kind of love isn't broken because of one small fight or disagreement.” He shrugs, giving me an encouraging nod before heading out of the room.

“Who knew,” Reese says, shaking her head at where Lawson just was. “That cocky Lawson Wolfe had such perceptive outlook?”

“I’ve been telling you,” Blakely says, hand still on my back, Reese still snuggled up next to me on the other side like my two best friends can hold me together while I'm crumbling.

Lawson's words sink in, and hope flutters in my chest.

“Do you think he's right?” I ask after gathering myself for a few moments. “Do you think there's a way to salvage this?”

“There's always a way to salvage things,” Reese says.

“And not that I would ever admit it to him,” Blakely adds. “But he's usually right.”

We all laugh at that, and somehow the world doesn't seem as broken as it did moments ago.

“But I do think you need to really evaluate your feelings on this one,” Blakely continues. “You had that reaction for a reason, and you know we both understand it. Hell, I'm sure even Paxton understands it. But does that reaction speak for you ? Does the idea of marrying him even though he wasn't asking, really panic you that much?”

“Or was it just the idea of marriage alone?” Reese adds.

I take a deep breath, doing my best to sort the panic reaction from genuine emotion.

“Because if it’s the previous,” Blakely continues when I haven’t answered. “I know how bad it hurts, but you might want to just let him go. If you have no intention of actually staying with him for the long term, marriage or no, then maybe separation is what you both need to get back to common ground.”

A bolt of pain stabs me through the chest, the thought of letting Paxton go abhorrent.

“I love him,” I say on a released breath. “I've always loved him. And I don't want to be with anybody else. He thinks I don’t see him like that, but I do. He’s the only one I see.”

“So you just panicked,” Reese says for clarification.

“I panicked,” I explain. “My first instinct was to say yes , effortless and easy. But then I thought about all those people I've seen go through my mother's office, the way they'd been broken, and the idea of ever doing that to Paxton...to hurt him like that someday…it sent me.”

“But just because you get married doesn't mean you're going to get divorced,” Blakely says. “Not that you're getting married,” she hurries to add. “But even if you did, divorce isn't a certainty. A possibility . That's the reality all marriages have to look at, but you and Paxton have been friends forever and have weathered so many different conflicts big and small throughout that friendship. I'd say you have a better road map of what marriage would look like than any of us.”

I nod, knowing my friends are right and still feeling like an absolute shit person for the hurt I caused earlier.

“I have to figure out a way to fix this,” I say.

“You will,” Blakely says.

“You just need a minute to figure out exactly what you want,” Reese adds. “Pair that with some brutal honesty? And Paxton will listen. He'll understand.”

I blow out a breath.

Blankly scoops up the remote and clicks on the TV. “I'd say we need a really good reality show to distract us.”

I laugh, leaning my head against Blakely’s shoulder. “I feel bad,” I say. “It's already late and we have to get on the bus early tomorrow morning for the away game.”

An away game that Paxton will be at, which make my nerves tangle even tighter in my chest. Luckily, he’ll be on the player bus while I’m on the staff bus, but still, could I be able to figure out what I needed to do to earn his forgiveness by then?

“One episode won't kill us,” Blakely says.

“Yeah, you just need a brain cleanse, and then we'll crash and figure out things in the morning.” Reese adds.

“I love you both,” I say as the documentary starts.

“Love you too,” they both say at the same time and then a silence settles over us, comfortable yet tense for me as I don't really see the documentary play out in front of me, lost in my own head as I explore my heart's needs, and realizing every scenario that I go through is pointing to one clear crystal answer.

I just hope Paxton will listen to me.

My mom’s face fills the screen of my phone, her pre-dawn robe still clinging to her shoulders.

“Are you all right?” she asks by way of answer. “You never FaceTime me before eight a.m.”

“Sorry, I have to head to an away game soon, but I needed to ask you something.”

Mom looks me over, the eyes that match mine likely sizing up how exhausted I look. “What happened?”

“I’m fine,” I assure her. “Kind of. Just…” I sigh. “Old trauma is making my present life a bitch.”

Mom’s brow furrows, but she waits for me to continue.

“Marriage,” I hedge. “You still believe in it?”

“Clearly,” she says. “Or I wouldn’t still be hanging around with your dad.” Just the mention of Dad as has eyes lighting up in a way I’m not even sure she notices.

My heart fills with hope.

“If you were going to propose to someone, would you wait until you could create some big epic presentation or act on the moment?”

She gasps, her hands covering her mouth for a moment. “Are you and Paxton getting engaged?”

I clench my eyes shut, but can’t hide my smile. Reality quickly wipes it away. “If I can fix things, maybe.”

“I always knew you two were heading down this road!” She squeals, then tilts her head. “What do you mean fix things?”

“I may have overreacted about something yesterday. It was our first fight ever. I don’t know if he’ll hear me out?—”

“Oh, yes he will.” She waves me off. “Couples fight. It’s normal. Fighting doesn’t equate to a breakup.”

I nod, taking the encouragement, especially from an expert like her.

“So…if you were going to propose…”

“I wouldn’t wait,” she says with a shrug. “Elaborate proposals are cute and can be really thought out, but it’s the intention behind the act that matters. You want to be connected to this person forever. It’s a big step that doesn’t always need bells and whistles but instead brutal honesty.”

“That makes sense.”

“What are you going to do?” she asks, a smile shaping her lips.

“Apologize,” I say. “That’s where I’ll start. The rest?” Anticipation fills my chest. “We’ll see. I have to hope he’ll forgive me first.”

“Paxton is a good man,” she says. “He’ll hear you out. Just be truthful.”

“I will,” I say. “I’ve got to head out. I miss you.”

“Miss you too,” she says. “Keep me posted!”

“Will do,” I say, then end the FaceTime with my mom still squealing with excitement.

I want to share in that elation, but I know I have to fix things first.

If I can do that…

Maybe the rest will be possible.